Don't Try This at Home: Adultery in the Marital Bed
By JOYCE WADLERJAN. 12, 2011
THE woman who came to see Ken Altshuler, a divorce lawyer, had reason to be enraged: her husband was not only having an affair, he was also having an extravagant, money's-no-concern, fabled-and-faraway-beaches affair. He had taken his girlfriend to Tahiti, he was sending flowers to her. But what infuriated his wife the most was where he had often made love to his girlfriend: their marriage bed.
"She was totally fixated on that," said Mr. Altshuler, who practices in Portland, Me., and is president-elect of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. " 'You had sex with that woman in our bed' — that was overriding everything else. For a year in the divorce, every time an issue came up, that was part of it. We'd need to talk about placing the house up for sale, she'd say, 'You mean that house where he brought that so-and-so to our bed?' Or, when we talked about personal division of property, 'He can take the bed and shove it' or 'He can use it with his next *****.' "
How did Mr. Altshuler's client find out her husband was using their bed?
"He admitted it when he got caught," Mr. Altshuler said, in the tone of one who has spent two and a half decades observing the stupidities of humankind and still retains a touching ability to be amazed. "I think she found some of the charges on the credit card, so he fessed up. And she said, 'Where did you have sex with her?' And he goes, 'In our bed, where else?' Then it's, 'Oops, did I say that?' "
Conventions change. A woman no longer earns a scarlet letter for having a child out of wedlock; divorce is not synonymous with scandal; and it is no surprise to find, when a marriage comes apart, that a third person was involved. But even in a sexually liberal culture, the home is still usually off-limits, as if protected by an invisible force field. And the marriage bed — a phrase that in itself seems quaintly out of date — remains a sacred object.
All but one of 18 marriage counselors and divorce lawyers interviewed for this article said they saw at-home adultery rarely, if ever, although the divorce lawyers saw it more often than the therapists. When it does happen, however, the consequences are usually dire: affairs are painful in a marriage, but affairs that take place in the marriage bed can be lethal.
In an informal, unscientific survey conducted at the request of The New York Times by the Web site CafeMom.com, which draws young married women, more than half of approximately 500 respondents said their marriages would "definitely not" survive if their partner made love to another person in the marriage bed. By contrast, less than a third of approximately 700 respondents to another question said that their marriages would "definitely not" survive an affair outside the home.
(read the rest here)
By JOYCE WADLERJAN. 12, 2011
THE woman who came to see Ken Altshuler, a divorce lawyer, had reason to be enraged: her husband was not only having an affair, he was also having an extravagant, money's-no-concern, fabled-and-faraway-beaches affair. He had taken his girlfriend to Tahiti, he was sending flowers to her. But what infuriated his wife the most was where he had often made love to his girlfriend: their marriage bed.
"She was totally fixated on that," said Mr. Altshuler, who practices in Portland, Me., and is president-elect of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. " 'You had sex with that woman in our bed' — that was overriding everything else. For a year in the divorce, every time an issue came up, that was part of it. We'd need to talk about placing the house up for sale, she'd say, 'You mean that house where he brought that so-and-so to our bed?' Or, when we talked about personal division of property, 'He can take the bed and shove it' or 'He can use it with his next *****.' "
How did Mr. Altshuler's client find out her husband was using their bed?
"He admitted it when he got caught," Mr. Altshuler said, in the tone of one who has spent two and a half decades observing the stupidities of humankind and still retains a touching ability to be amazed. "I think she found some of the charges on the credit card, so he fessed up. And she said, 'Where did you have sex with her?' And he goes, 'In our bed, where else?' Then it's, 'Oops, did I say that?' "
Conventions change. A woman no longer earns a scarlet letter for having a child out of wedlock; divorce is not synonymous with scandal; and it is no surprise to find, when a marriage comes apart, that a third person was involved. But even in a sexually liberal culture, the home is still usually off-limits, as if protected by an invisible force field. And the marriage bed — a phrase that in itself seems quaintly out of date — remains a sacred object.
All but one of 18 marriage counselors and divorce lawyers interviewed for this article said they saw at-home adultery rarely, if ever, although the divorce lawyers saw it more often than the therapists. When it does happen, however, the consequences are usually dire: affairs are painful in a marriage, but affairs that take place in the marriage bed can be lethal.
In an informal, unscientific survey conducted at the request of The New York Times by the Web site CafeMom.com, which draws young married women, more than half of approximately 500 respondents said their marriages would "definitely not" survive if their partner made love to another person in the marriage bed. By contrast, less than a third of approximately 700 respondents to another question said that their marriages would "definitely not" survive an affair outside the home.
(read the rest here)
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