Hi All,
First post...it may be a bit long...but I will give the condensed version.
I'm the WH. been with my wife since high school, which has been 25 years. I'm also a recovering addict. Had 23 years clean, relapsed for 5 years and now have almost 10 months clean.
Just about 2 years ago, a PA was initiated and I participated. I was also using at the time...not that using made me cheat. I used drugs to assist in covering my guilt along with using to escape life in general. The affair lasted 14 months
DDay was Jan 2013. I disclosed everything. I had been having an affair with her friend.
I moved out for 6 weeks and began a relentless journey of recovery. I started going to NA meetings, stopped using, went to a affair recovery workshop, went to an intensive MC weekend session, have been doing MC weekly and IC weekly. Started going back to church also.
I was willing to gut myself, give full access to everything, total transparency. So transparent that I would also talk about how hard it was for me to "get over" my AP. I begged God, cried daily , willing to do ANYTHING to get the obsession of my AP to leave me. for 9 months I continued doing all the therapy, meetings, books, workbooks...anything that was suggested, I would do. I was an absolute open book and I was totally ok with it. It was actually a relief...I had nothing to hide anymore.
My biggest problem was getting over the AP. I would have very small glimpses of hope that the obsession was fading, but in the last 3 months, it all came back very strong. And I was TOTALLY NC the entire time. I did pass her in the car on 3 occasions and my world fell apart each time. I would take me like 3 days to pull it together.
I would not always outwardly display my mental torture, but my wife would sense I was preoccupied. and I was REALLY REALLY trying so hard every day to focus on my wife and our marriage but was so consumed with AP obsession.
I do have a history of OCD, so one part of me was not surprised, but I was living in a daily hell.
Well come around to about 1.5 months ago. In MC I brought up something regarding my thoughts to do with the AP. It all broke loose and my wife asked me to leave. To basically figure IT out on my own.
I didnt freak out on her and I never did over the 9 months...I did whatever she requested.
Well I moved out...to my brothers basement...and my obsession came along with me. Feeling I had no options left on how to deal with my AP obsession, I took the only action I felt I had and through a series of attempts, I contacted her.
I was also reeling with a ton of emotions from anger to hurt to rejection to telling my wife I'm thinking about divorce. I have been a mixed up mess throughout this process of recovery.
Through my AP contact, I told her exactly what I have dealt with, how I THINK I feel about her and what the reality of this relationship is. I expressed that I am not looking to get into anything...the only thing I knew was I needed to spill my emotional guts and leave it at that.
I did not have sex with her and I was not planning on it. All I wanted was relief and release from my 24x7 obsession.
We talked frequently over the next few weeks as my obsessive thoughts would have peaks and valleys and I was hoping to see this relationship die a natural death. That my obsessive brain can now see that this relationship is not practical, there is no real love and going this route will never ever fix the stuff inside of me.
I feel like I got that relief. I went NC over a week ago and I feel like I can put the tools of recovery to work without being obsessed over her.
My wife knows I had contact with the AP.
Now I feel like we are in a holding pattern for a while before my wife will make a move. In fact I feel like she is doing the 180 to me. Which is fine. I am, for the first time, really trying to EMPATHIZE with her...and I dont think I had a real opportunity to do that because I was so balls out about my drug recovery and marriage recovery. I felt like I didnt breath for 9 months.
I sent my wife an email this morning telling her that I am sorry I have not empathized with her and that my addiction behaviors for a lot of our marriage has done a lot of damage. Even though I was clean for 23 years, i just didnt use, I never went to meetings. This is the first time in my life that I am actually doing a 12 step program relentlessly.
I love my wife, we have history, we have memories, we have gone through SO much together and she knows me inside and out. I want this to work...I actually really want this to work. And I'm sick to my gut thinking that she is slowly slipping away from me. I dont want to chase after her because I'm afraid I would be manipulating her to a place she is not ready for. I really want this to be in her timing and timing that is good for reconciling.
Thats the short version...please dont rail me...I already walk around in a world of shame and guilt all over again.
saaben900
First post...it may be a bit long...but I will give the condensed version.
I'm the WH. been with my wife since high school, which has been 25 years. I'm also a recovering addict. Had 23 years clean, relapsed for 5 years and now have almost 10 months clean.
Just about 2 years ago, a PA was initiated and I participated. I was also using at the time...not that using made me cheat. I used drugs to assist in covering my guilt along with using to escape life in general. The affair lasted 14 months
DDay was Jan 2013. I disclosed everything. I had been having an affair with her friend.
I moved out for 6 weeks and began a relentless journey of recovery. I started going to NA meetings, stopped using, went to a affair recovery workshop, went to an intensive MC weekend session, have been doing MC weekly and IC weekly. Started going back to church also.
I was willing to gut myself, give full access to everything, total transparency. So transparent that I would also talk about how hard it was for me to "get over" my AP. I begged God, cried daily , willing to do ANYTHING to get the obsession of my AP to leave me. for 9 months I continued doing all the therapy, meetings, books, workbooks...anything that was suggested, I would do. I was an absolute open book and I was totally ok with it. It was actually a relief...I had nothing to hide anymore.
My biggest problem was getting over the AP. I would have very small glimpses of hope that the obsession was fading, but in the last 3 months, it all came back very strong. And I was TOTALLY NC the entire time. I did pass her in the car on 3 occasions and my world fell apart each time. I would take me like 3 days to pull it together.
I would not always outwardly display my mental torture, but my wife would sense I was preoccupied. and I was REALLY REALLY trying so hard every day to focus on my wife and our marriage but was so consumed with AP obsession.
I do have a history of OCD, so one part of me was not surprised, but I was living in a daily hell.
Well come around to about 1.5 months ago. In MC I brought up something regarding my thoughts to do with the AP. It all broke loose and my wife asked me to leave. To basically figure IT out on my own.
I didnt freak out on her and I never did over the 9 months...I did whatever she requested.
Well I moved out...to my brothers basement...and my obsession came along with me. Feeling I had no options left on how to deal with my AP obsession, I took the only action I felt I had and through a series of attempts, I contacted her.
I was also reeling with a ton of emotions from anger to hurt to rejection to telling my wife I'm thinking about divorce. I have been a mixed up mess throughout this process of recovery.
Through my AP contact, I told her exactly what I have dealt with, how I THINK I feel about her and what the reality of this relationship is. I expressed that I am not looking to get into anything...the only thing I knew was I needed to spill my emotional guts and leave it at that.
I did not have sex with her and I was not planning on it. All I wanted was relief and release from my 24x7 obsession.
We talked frequently over the next few weeks as my obsessive thoughts would have peaks and valleys and I was hoping to see this relationship die a natural death. That my obsessive brain can now see that this relationship is not practical, there is no real love and going this route will never ever fix the stuff inside of me.
I feel like I got that relief. I went NC over a week ago and I feel like I can put the tools of recovery to work without being obsessed over her.
My wife knows I had contact with the AP.
Now I feel like we are in a holding pattern for a while before my wife will make a move. In fact I feel like she is doing the 180 to me. Which is fine. I am, for the first time, really trying to EMPATHIZE with her...and I dont think I had a real opportunity to do that because I was so balls out about my drug recovery and marriage recovery. I felt like I didnt breath for 9 months.
I sent my wife an email this morning telling her that I am sorry I have not empathized with her and that my addiction behaviors for a lot of our marriage has done a lot of damage. Even though I was clean for 23 years, i just didnt use, I never went to meetings. This is the first time in my life that I am actually doing a 12 step program relentlessly.
I love my wife, we have history, we have memories, we have gone through SO much together and she knows me inside and out. I want this to work...I actually really want this to work. And I'm sick to my gut thinking that she is slowly slipping away from me. I dont want to chase after her because I'm afraid I would be manipulating her to a place she is not ready for. I really want this to be in her timing and timing that is good for reconciling.
Thats the short version...please dont rail me...I already walk around in a world of shame and guilt all over again.
saaben900
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