Hey TSR!:p
(So I'm sorta writing this without an 'aim' as such, I just thought it'd be good to get it off my chest and get some advice).:)
I'm 17, and have thought that I could conceivably like girls since I was 15. But its all just a bit fuzzy; I guess on some level I doubted it on an arrogant, superficial level (I don't fit the 'ugly butch' stereotype at all), and also because I didn't understand homosexuality, after all, I haven't really liked a girl until now.
I began to think at 15 that I could conceivably be gay because: A) the thought of boys was just yuck, B)I had so many girl celebrity-crushes, C) despite not having liked a girl, it just made so much sense. From about 16 I started to have sorta crushes on girls... but to all my friends, I lied and just said I like 'x' guy.
Anywaaaaaay, now I've met this girl at college. I have no idea if she's gay or not (I'd go with the latter). I thought no at first, because like me, she doesn't fit the stereotype, but like me, she doesn't fit the stereotype?! I'm sorta getting signals from her, but I think its just because I'm like so infatuated with her, I've made myself think she likes me:$. But she goes out of her way to talk to me soooo.. but it all seems to good to be true and she's probably just being nice.. I dunno, its probably another ****ty-straight girl crush. Even if she was gay, she probably couldn't tell if I was gay because I'm so deep in the closet!
And that's the thing! I can't come out. It's so stupid, its like a compulsive lie, I just keep pretending I like boys and I can't even hint at liking girls, I mean, I can talk openly about girl-crushing on beyonce for example, but what girl doesn't? ;). I've had boyfriends knowing full well I'm not interested. Even when I go out, I'll maybe kiss a lad, and even when I'm absolutely plastered, I don't 'spill a bean'. Also, I sort of dread what my friends would say, I guess they'd be pretty cool about it, after all, there's a gay guy in my close friendship group (which is all girls except him), but a gay girl and a gay boy is different, and I wouldn't want it to make things awkward and we can be a group of bitches hahaha. As to coming out to my family, they'd be alright about it, but I just can't tell them. I haven't tried to come out yet, admittedly, but I just feel like its never going to happen. This just adds to my confusion, because I don't feel like I can talk about it, ev en with my closest friends (in fact, when I'm with them, it doesn't occur to me to tell them) and this just throws me further back in the closet.
Anyway, that's it I guess, any input? :$:)
Thanks xox
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment