Hi Everyone,
Just seeking some advice from people who have been through the debacle I am about to describe as briefly as I can. I am a new member having just joined after reading Unwind80's story (which there was never a conclusion to as he never reported back what happened so I was a bit disappointed to read through all of the pages in his post only to never learn what ultimately happened.
Anyway here's my story.
My wife and I met in 1996, married in 2001. Just this past Sunday she came home and told me that somewhere along the line in our relationship she "lost herself" and she "doesn't know who she is." She said I love you dearly, you are my best friend in this life, but I don't have those feelings for you anymore. I don't feel about you as I think I should. She specifically said there was no more "passion" in our relationship. I love you but I'm not in love with you...the famous line.
Our initial years together were WONDERFUL and it was blatantly obvious that my wife was head over heels for me as I was for her. We had a wonderful marriage that was already based on an strong bond of friendship. People called us a perfect couple even though there really is no such thing. So we were in bliss...long after the infatuation stage as we didn't even marry until 5 years after we got together.
Then in 2009 I became disabled and started a disability case. Of course this eventually created many money problems for us now on only one income. We hung in there for about 4 years going through the extremely slow process of rejections and then hearings and so forth and so on. Well I would say probably sometime last year, perhaps around summer 2013, we were both really at wit's end with the money problems. We would go back and forth figuring out if I should just give up, get a job, and just suffer through my ailments as best as I can. Because the potential back pay owed to me would likely be close to $60,000...it was always a difficult decision for us to make. Do we give up a chance to finally get all the money we should've been getting all along and suffering without...or should we simply say screw it, I'm just going back to work. Well we would always have our usual lengthy discussion whenever we would sit down and open yet another denial letter (standard Social Security pr actice is to deny, deny, deny, in the hopes they drive applicants to quit)...just as we were just about the point of doing. Well we decided to keep fighting.
So my last hearing was in August of 2013, denial received November 2013. We carried on. Then in January 2014 is when the danger bell went off. My wife was particularly distraught this day when she was doing the bills. As usual we were several hundred dollars short again...as we seemingly have been for 4 years since I had to stop working. It was around this time she first mentioned "I'm not sure I want to be with you and I want to be honest with you. I love you but I'm not sure." We worked through that however after she identified a few things I was doing wrong with her. She never was able to go out with her friends a lot, go shopping, go spa, etc...all the things I've learned a woman needs. Instead she said she was taking of my needs and her needs were not being fulfilled. So of course I asked what the problems were an immediately changed them. So things seemed to be fine.
Fast forward to last Sunday, a day or two after she did the bills again. She comes home and drops a bombshell..."You're going to hate me but I love you so much but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. I've lost myself in this relationship and I don't know who I am anymore. I need to go back home to my parents and live and find myself." She doesn't want to worry about anyone but herself now, not me, not anyone. She wants to "do what I want when I want and not have to answer to anyone."
Now please understand my wife, she is NOT the type that would cheat on me, in fact if she was, the only time she could be doing it is at work because we both share a car, again the result of me having to get rid of mine once I became disabled. So she's either going into work and leaving with someone else during the day, which I would think people would miss her as she's in a busy office. I suppose it's always possible there is cheating going on and I also know that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line is almost always delivered by a cheating spouse. However for the purposes of this writing, please operate on the assumption that infidelity is totally not a factor because I truly believe it isn't. She doesn't get all dolled up to go work, instead she battles depression and anxiety and sometimes barely throws herself together for work very morning...certainly not dressing "hot" as one would expect from a spouse expecting to a secret lover somewhere. So let's just a ssume it's a 100% fact that infidelity has nothing to do with this.
As I said, she adored me, and you can always tell when a woman is madly in love with you. Your coffee is brewed in the morning when I got out of bed, she did my laundry and we were soulmates. I also did nice things for her in return so that wasn't a one-way street.
So now here I sit, merely 4 days after this bombshell was dropped. So many people thought of us as the perfect couple even though there's no such thing as that...but you get what I mean. It was clear to all we really loved each other and our marriage. So when the news broke a couple days ago that we were divorcing there was UNBELIEVABLE SHOCK from everyone. No one could believe it, no one could understand how this possibly happened with a couple that spend so much time together and were always so happy. In fact, even we are shocked that we're doing this.
Now I don't want this in any way. I believe the problems are fixable...trouble is she didn't ever implicitly tell me what needed to be done along the way until it was apparently too late. Instead she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear all the time. So I believed I was asking for her opinion on matters as a husband should, but instead of saying what she really felt, she said the opposite which, of course, now we know has some repercussions.
So I was given no time at all to address all the issues, instead they were thrown into my lap in one day after there appeared to be irreparable damage.
Now here's the problem, I know she loves me, I just no she does. Since we were such close friends first we are actually able to still live in our apartment together as we wait out the end of our lease in a couple months...this not only affords us the luxury of being able to help each other through this time as it's VERY VERY hard on both of us...we are in shock really that this has happened. Yet for some reason she's not interested in MC, not interest in talking about any possible R, she just wants to "go home, save some money, take care of my needs, and figure out what I want." When I asked her about counseling she basically said she's already been talking with her longtime shrink. She has been told she should be on an anti-depressant but she is dead set against them after she became hooked on them some years ago. She didn't want to be an addict so stopped taking them because she was feeling better anyway. I think what may have happened, and this is just a GUESS on my part b eing close to the situation, is my wife was complaining to her shrink about the continued money problems and how it's held back our dreams for so many years now. I think her shrink saw that she was having some issue and suggested she go back on the anti-depressant she tried so hard to beat. That is what "I suspect" really set off this whole thing.
So now here we are living here together just as the friends we always were as we get our affairs in order for our departure. She seems dead set on divorcing fast as she "doesn't have the head to think of anyone else right now but herself"...she certainly doesn't want to think about what she will be feeling several months from now. She is ill-equipped to focus on anything but herself and finding her identity, what her interests are, etc. She still asks me for hugs, she still kisses me when I drop her off to work and says "I love you." In fact I just dropped her off a half hour ago and when she was getting out of the car she asked if she could kiss me. I said sure. She said it's just habit...you know. Then she started to ball a little bit. Then she called me when I got back home because when she went into work she learned she was getting an award tonight. When I congratulated her (you see, she *****es to me about her workday every day on our ride home, like tradition, and it' s always about how hard she works with no recognition from coworkers.) So I was elated to hear she was up for an award for outstanding service and when I congratulated her enthusiastically she started balling a bit. What? You're getting an award...long overdue and deserved! So I don't know what that's all about but she is clearly "messed up " right now and it kills me. She keeps apologizing, I'm sorry for doing this...I am so, so sorry. I love you, I do love you but I just can't do this anymore...I need a break from the pressures of money and being a wife. Basically years of stress for us that was near-constant.
So I am just accepting it and planning to move and get settled elsewhere. My thinking is we've wanted out of this apartment for so many years (we've been here 17 years!) that this is our chance...even if it means being in separate places when we do, which obviously wasn't our initial plan. So I've decided to quit my disability case, get a job, and try to live through my ailments and earn a reliable and steady income...compared to the option of waiting on disability approval which, for all I know, could go on another year. As I said, the main reason we wanted to pursue it is because our plan was to move to a house or rent a house or a bigger place for a little less money in rent. She has a massive student loan that has been lingering over our heads for years now and if I got my back pay we would be able to get rid of it completely, get myself a car, etc...all the things you would do with money you got all at once that you were due every month of the process. So this was always our reason for struggle, it's so much money after 4 years of fighting to give up on, especially when my lawyer has been working on this case for 4 years for free, she gets nothing unless I do, so if she said let's do the next round of appeals...we prety much based our decision to keep fighting on my lawyer...after all she loses if we lose and if she's still fighting this hard 4 years later she really believes in my case.
However that matters not now because I myself am sick and tired of waiting so I am bailing. Social Security wins again.
In any event, the reason for my post is this. Am I wrong to give up on her? I sense she is still unsure yet she speaks as if she is sure. I am just rolling with it at this point and keeping the incredible pain I feel at bay. I'm doing a pretty good job of it but the uncertainty of being alone in some strange apartment is a bit unsettling to me. She'll be at her parents, but I will be going from a place I lived with a wife I absolutely adore to her core to a strange place without her and all alone. I am a pessimist to the core so of course I am giving up at this point, if she's already getting papers she's convinced herself that it will make her feel better. She has said to me that no one will ever love her the way I do, and that she knows that, and that one day she will probably regret this decision." She is sticking to her guns but I can see the pain on her face. One moment she's laughing on the phone with someone and the next she's nauseas or balling. So I am at a loss, I w ill do whatever she wants. The money issues would go away as soon as I started working again and we could finally move out of here. I personally believe ALL of this that she is experiencing has actually little to do with our relationship itself and more about the impact that lack of money had on it.
So I believe this to be a money issue that stretched on far too long because of my case and the stress of unpaid rent and bills just finally fried her brain. I love her with all of my being, I would take a bullet for her...yet it seems I am helpless here. I am trying to be her friend since we always were close even before we married. I am just at a loss right now so I am focusing on finding a car, a job, and then an apartment because no matter what happens it is clear we are leaving this apartment. Does that mean in three months or 5 months or whatever that she won't suddenly realize she is "in love" me and want to get back together? Being a hopeless pessimist I say unlikely... but knowing how intense she once felt about me, and since that's really only a matter of less than a year ago out of our almost 14 year marriage, it's hard to grasp that this fixable damage could lead to something so devastating as a divorce. It's just a total shock I never saw coming and I can't help but feel this is a TERRIBLY drastic reaction. So I wanted to give you guys the facts and see what you all thought.
Sorry for the long post but you need all the info to properly asses the situation. Oh and I am 43, she is 44, no kids. Thanks everyone. Sad, sad times for me as I am apparently losing the massive love of my life soon and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
Just seeking some advice from people who have been through the debacle I am about to describe as briefly as I can. I am a new member having just joined after reading Unwind80's story (which there was never a conclusion to as he never reported back what happened so I was a bit disappointed to read through all of the pages in his post only to never learn what ultimately happened.
Anyway here's my story.
My wife and I met in 1996, married in 2001. Just this past Sunday she came home and told me that somewhere along the line in our relationship she "lost herself" and she "doesn't know who she is." She said I love you dearly, you are my best friend in this life, but I don't have those feelings for you anymore. I don't feel about you as I think I should. She specifically said there was no more "passion" in our relationship. I love you but I'm not in love with you...the famous line.
Our initial years together were WONDERFUL and it was blatantly obvious that my wife was head over heels for me as I was for her. We had a wonderful marriage that was already based on an strong bond of friendship. People called us a perfect couple even though there really is no such thing. So we were in bliss...long after the infatuation stage as we didn't even marry until 5 years after we got together.
Then in 2009 I became disabled and started a disability case. Of course this eventually created many money problems for us now on only one income. We hung in there for about 4 years going through the extremely slow process of rejections and then hearings and so forth and so on. Well I would say probably sometime last year, perhaps around summer 2013, we were both really at wit's end with the money problems. We would go back and forth figuring out if I should just give up, get a job, and just suffer through my ailments as best as I can. Because the potential back pay owed to me would likely be close to $60,000...it was always a difficult decision for us to make. Do we give up a chance to finally get all the money we should've been getting all along and suffering without...or should we simply say screw it, I'm just going back to work. Well we would always have our usual lengthy discussion whenever we would sit down and open yet another denial letter (standard Social Security pr actice is to deny, deny, deny, in the hopes they drive applicants to quit)...just as we were just about the point of doing. Well we decided to keep fighting.
So my last hearing was in August of 2013, denial received November 2013. We carried on. Then in January 2014 is when the danger bell went off. My wife was particularly distraught this day when she was doing the bills. As usual we were several hundred dollars short again...as we seemingly have been for 4 years since I had to stop working. It was around this time she first mentioned "I'm not sure I want to be with you and I want to be honest with you. I love you but I'm not sure." We worked through that however after she identified a few things I was doing wrong with her. She never was able to go out with her friends a lot, go shopping, go spa, etc...all the things I've learned a woman needs. Instead she said she was taking of my needs and her needs were not being fulfilled. So of course I asked what the problems were an immediately changed them. So things seemed to be fine.
Fast forward to last Sunday, a day or two after she did the bills again. She comes home and drops a bombshell..."You're going to hate me but I love you so much but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. I've lost myself in this relationship and I don't know who I am anymore. I need to go back home to my parents and live and find myself." She doesn't want to worry about anyone but herself now, not me, not anyone. She wants to "do what I want when I want and not have to answer to anyone."
Now please understand my wife, she is NOT the type that would cheat on me, in fact if she was, the only time she could be doing it is at work because we both share a car, again the result of me having to get rid of mine once I became disabled. So she's either going into work and leaving with someone else during the day, which I would think people would miss her as she's in a busy office. I suppose it's always possible there is cheating going on and I also know that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line is almost always delivered by a cheating spouse. However for the purposes of this writing, please operate on the assumption that infidelity is totally not a factor because I truly believe it isn't. She doesn't get all dolled up to go work, instead she battles depression and anxiety and sometimes barely throws herself together for work very morning...certainly not dressing "hot" as one would expect from a spouse expecting to a secret lover somewhere. So let's just a ssume it's a 100% fact that infidelity has nothing to do with this.
As I said, she adored me, and you can always tell when a woman is madly in love with you. Your coffee is brewed in the morning when I got out of bed, she did my laundry and we were soulmates. I also did nice things for her in return so that wasn't a one-way street.
So now here I sit, merely 4 days after this bombshell was dropped. So many people thought of us as the perfect couple even though there's no such thing as that...but you get what I mean. It was clear to all we really loved each other and our marriage. So when the news broke a couple days ago that we were divorcing there was UNBELIEVABLE SHOCK from everyone. No one could believe it, no one could understand how this possibly happened with a couple that spend so much time together and were always so happy. In fact, even we are shocked that we're doing this.
Now I don't want this in any way. I believe the problems are fixable...trouble is she didn't ever implicitly tell me what needed to be done along the way until it was apparently too late. Instead she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear all the time. So I believed I was asking for her opinion on matters as a husband should, but instead of saying what she really felt, she said the opposite which, of course, now we know has some repercussions.
So I was given no time at all to address all the issues, instead they were thrown into my lap in one day after there appeared to be irreparable damage.
Now here's the problem, I know she loves me, I just no she does. Since we were such close friends first we are actually able to still live in our apartment together as we wait out the end of our lease in a couple months...this not only affords us the luxury of being able to help each other through this time as it's VERY VERY hard on both of us...we are in shock really that this has happened. Yet for some reason she's not interested in MC, not interest in talking about any possible R, she just wants to "go home, save some money, take care of my needs, and figure out what I want." When I asked her about counseling she basically said she's already been talking with her longtime shrink. She has been told she should be on an anti-depressant but she is dead set against them after she became hooked on them some years ago. She didn't want to be an addict so stopped taking them because she was feeling better anyway. I think what may have happened, and this is just a GUESS on my part b eing close to the situation, is my wife was complaining to her shrink about the continued money problems and how it's held back our dreams for so many years now. I think her shrink saw that she was having some issue and suggested she go back on the anti-depressant she tried so hard to beat. That is what "I suspect" really set off this whole thing.
So now here we are living here together just as the friends we always were as we get our affairs in order for our departure. She seems dead set on divorcing fast as she "doesn't have the head to think of anyone else right now but herself"...she certainly doesn't want to think about what she will be feeling several months from now. She is ill-equipped to focus on anything but herself and finding her identity, what her interests are, etc. She still asks me for hugs, she still kisses me when I drop her off to work and says "I love you." In fact I just dropped her off a half hour ago and when she was getting out of the car she asked if she could kiss me. I said sure. She said it's just habit...you know. Then she started to ball a little bit. Then she called me when I got back home because when she went into work she learned she was getting an award tonight. When I congratulated her (you see, she *****es to me about her workday every day on our ride home, like tradition, and it' s always about how hard she works with no recognition from coworkers.) So I was elated to hear she was up for an award for outstanding service and when I congratulated her enthusiastically she started balling a bit. What? You're getting an award...long overdue and deserved! So I don't know what that's all about but she is clearly "messed up " right now and it kills me. She keeps apologizing, I'm sorry for doing this...I am so, so sorry. I love you, I do love you but I just can't do this anymore...I need a break from the pressures of money and being a wife. Basically years of stress for us that was near-constant.
So I am just accepting it and planning to move and get settled elsewhere. My thinking is we've wanted out of this apartment for so many years (we've been here 17 years!) that this is our chance...even if it means being in separate places when we do, which obviously wasn't our initial plan. So I've decided to quit my disability case, get a job, and try to live through my ailments and earn a reliable and steady income...compared to the option of waiting on disability approval which, for all I know, could go on another year. As I said, the main reason we wanted to pursue it is because our plan was to move to a house or rent a house or a bigger place for a little less money in rent. She has a massive student loan that has been lingering over our heads for years now and if I got my back pay we would be able to get rid of it completely, get myself a car, etc...all the things you would do with money you got all at once that you were due every month of the process. So this was always our reason for struggle, it's so much money after 4 years of fighting to give up on, especially when my lawyer has been working on this case for 4 years for free, she gets nothing unless I do, so if she said let's do the next round of appeals...we prety much based our decision to keep fighting on my lawyer...after all she loses if we lose and if she's still fighting this hard 4 years later she really believes in my case.
However that matters not now because I myself am sick and tired of waiting so I am bailing. Social Security wins again.
In any event, the reason for my post is this. Am I wrong to give up on her? I sense she is still unsure yet she speaks as if she is sure. I am just rolling with it at this point and keeping the incredible pain I feel at bay. I'm doing a pretty good job of it but the uncertainty of being alone in some strange apartment is a bit unsettling to me. She'll be at her parents, but I will be going from a place I lived with a wife I absolutely adore to her core to a strange place without her and all alone. I am a pessimist to the core so of course I am giving up at this point, if she's already getting papers she's convinced herself that it will make her feel better. She has said to me that no one will ever love her the way I do, and that she knows that, and that one day she will probably regret this decision." She is sticking to her guns but I can see the pain on her face. One moment she's laughing on the phone with someone and the next she's nauseas or balling. So I am at a loss, I w ill do whatever she wants. The money issues would go away as soon as I started working again and we could finally move out of here. I personally believe ALL of this that she is experiencing has actually little to do with our relationship itself and more about the impact that lack of money had on it.
So I believe this to be a money issue that stretched on far too long because of my case and the stress of unpaid rent and bills just finally fried her brain. I love her with all of my being, I would take a bullet for her...yet it seems I am helpless here. I am trying to be her friend since we always were close even before we married. I am just at a loss right now so I am focusing on finding a car, a job, and then an apartment because no matter what happens it is clear we are leaving this apartment. Does that mean in three months or 5 months or whatever that she won't suddenly realize she is "in love" me and want to get back together? Being a hopeless pessimist I say unlikely... but knowing how intense she once felt about me, and since that's really only a matter of less than a year ago out of our almost 14 year marriage, it's hard to grasp that this fixable damage could lead to something so devastating as a divorce. It's just a total shock I never saw coming and I can't help but feel this is a TERRIBLY drastic reaction. So I wanted to give you guys the facts and see what you all thought.
Sorry for the long post but you need all the info to properly asses the situation. Oh and I am 43, she is 44, no kids. Thanks everyone. Sad, sad times for me as I am apparently losing the massive love of my life soon and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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