I'm the wife. I have been suffering from mild depression for a couple of years but on a steady decline for the past 6 months and severe depression for the past 4 months. There are several reasons: moving across the country to follow my husband's job, giving up my job of 12 yrs, struggling to restart my career and having to start at the bottom again (and making considerably less) despite my experience, living 3500 kms away from any support system (friends and family, I'm lonely), suffering from infertility and 7 miscarriages and now dealing with the fact (and guilt) that I will never be able to have a child of my own, or give my husband the child he has always wanted.
Yes, I have pushed my husband away, physically and emotionally because I was in such a dark fog that I could see what I was doing to myself or my husband. I couldn't think, or feel anything but sad. I had no idea had bad it was nor did I know how to get help. I did ask a dr once (my gynocologist) if she could help me find someone to talk to about my miscarriages and she said she didn't know anyone, she couldn't help me. That deflated me.
Unfortunately, my husband says he is no longer in love with me. He is mad and upset that I have hurt him because I pushed him away. He says he tried so hard to make me feel better by complimenting me and trying to get me do do things (ie. go out, make friends) but that is not the kind of help I needed. He said he needed me to get help but didn't offer to help me get help. At the time, I didn't even know myself what kind of help I needed. I did show him signs of love, or so I thought, but he didn't see them as such. Total love languages miscommunication on both our parts.
Since this "I don't love you" conversation, I have gotten help. I am on meds which have really helped and I have been speaking to a few different psychologists so I can find a "good fit". I now know how bad my depression had become and I now know what kind of support from my husband would have made the difference months ago. We still live in the same house. He says he is supportive but really he is cold, distant, sometimes even mad, doesn't talk to me except for very small talk sometimes, wouldn't even say hello, goodbye or goodnight to me for weeks (now he does most of the time but it is not because he wants to), he doesn't ask me how my day was or how I am doing. I feel like he is punishing me for being sick, giving me a dose of my own medicine so to speak. I feel like he doesn't really understand that I wasn't myself and was consumed by this mental illness. I didn't intend to hurt him. It wasn't on purpose. I didn't even know it was happening. That is probably the most f rustrating thing...not having my depression be understood as a medical problem but as a character flaw.
I have always loved him dearly. I feel so much better now except that I have this relationship issue looming over my head on top of everything else. He isn't ready to move forward and doesn't really know if that'll ever happen. It's been 2 months. I know I still have lots of work to do and but it's hard to do it all by myself.
Sorry to be so long winded. I just need a male perspective. How did you deal with your wife's depression? Did she push you away to the point that you lost your love for her? Were you able to see her pushing away as a symptom of her depression rather than something she could control? Could you forgive her for this behavior? What did it take to fall back in love with her or didn't you?
I'm trying to be patient. I am trying to get better despite his behavior toward me. I'm devastated at the thought of losing him forever. Completely and untterly devastated! I feel guilty. I have taken responsibility for hurting him. Apologized. I am trying to remain strong but I am hurt too, and frustrated, by his inability to understand why I was behaving this way and why I was so sad. Can someone please explain this to me? Am I asking too much to soon?
Thanks for listening and any feedback would be appreciated.
Yes, I have pushed my husband away, physically and emotionally because I was in such a dark fog that I could see what I was doing to myself or my husband. I couldn't think, or feel anything but sad. I had no idea had bad it was nor did I know how to get help. I did ask a dr once (my gynocologist) if she could help me find someone to talk to about my miscarriages and she said she didn't know anyone, she couldn't help me. That deflated me.
Unfortunately, my husband says he is no longer in love with me. He is mad and upset that I have hurt him because I pushed him away. He says he tried so hard to make me feel better by complimenting me and trying to get me do do things (ie. go out, make friends) but that is not the kind of help I needed. He said he needed me to get help but didn't offer to help me get help. At the time, I didn't even know myself what kind of help I needed. I did show him signs of love, or so I thought, but he didn't see them as such. Total love languages miscommunication on both our parts.
Since this "I don't love you" conversation, I have gotten help. I am on meds which have really helped and I have been speaking to a few different psychologists so I can find a "good fit". I now know how bad my depression had become and I now know what kind of support from my husband would have made the difference months ago. We still live in the same house. He says he is supportive but really he is cold, distant, sometimes even mad, doesn't talk to me except for very small talk sometimes, wouldn't even say hello, goodbye or goodnight to me for weeks (now he does most of the time but it is not because he wants to), he doesn't ask me how my day was or how I am doing. I feel like he is punishing me for being sick, giving me a dose of my own medicine so to speak. I feel like he doesn't really understand that I wasn't myself and was consumed by this mental illness. I didn't intend to hurt him. It wasn't on purpose. I didn't even know it was happening. That is probably the most f rustrating thing...not having my depression be understood as a medical problem but as a character flaw.
I have always loved him dearly. I feel so much better now except that I have this relationship issue looming over my head on top of everything else. He isn't ready to move forward and doesn't really know if that'll ever happen. It's been 2 months. I know I still have lots of work to do and but it's hard to do it all by myself.
Sorry to be so long winded. I just need a male perspective. How did you deal with your wife's depression? Did she push you away to the point that you lost your love for her? Were you able to see her pushing away as a symptom of her depression rather than something she could control? Could you forgive her for this behavior? What did it take to fall back in love with her or didn't you?
I'm trying to be patient. I am trying to get better despite his behavior toward me. I'm devastated at the thought of losing him forever. Completely and untterly devastated! I feel guilty. I have taken responsibility for hurting him. Apologized. I am trying to remain strong but I am hurt too, and frustrated, by his inability to understand why I was behaving this way and why I was so sad. Can someone please explain this to me? Am I asking too much to soon?
Thanks for listening and any feedback would be appreciated.
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