Hello, all.
I've posted a couple of threads in the General Discussion section of TAM. I've been here for about a year now. Looking for some male advice.
Here's my situation. (this is original thread I posted elsewhere)
We're in a rough patch now - kind of a continuation of one that began earlier this year. It subsided a bit, but just a few days ago came back. I think I misread what was happening before.
We've be married for 13 years, together for 15. We have 3 kids now. Earlier this year I thought the breakdown was more over her emotional rut and sort of soul-searching phase, like what's her other purpose other than dutiful wife and mother. Which I wasn't at all resistant to her discovering herself. I encouraged her to try and figure it out and I would help in any way.
But her recent breakdown has been more revealing. She simply says she's tired and exhausted. To my guilt, I messed things up a bit for us financially. Not anywhere near bankruptcy, but one credit card debt can really wreak havoc on a family's already tight budget. And that's what I did. I stepped in s***t again. Even at the behest of my wife. It's totally my fault.
So now she's at the point where she doesn't think she can muster the strength to not only hang around but fears that I might drag us though the dirt again. She feels that I took her for granted. And I have. Her deepest hurt comes from the thought of even though I couldn't fully reconcile the husband/father that I wanted to be with the person that I thought I really was, she didn't care. She loved me no matter what and was proud of me not matter what. And I just didn't fully appreciate that about her. Not in any way that she could appreciate, at least.
She says she hasn't written off our marriage yet. But she'd rather us be apart and still love each other, than risk staying married and end up resenting each other. Kind of a "I'll destroy this village in order to save it" gesture.
There's never been talk of anybody else. And we've never dealt or experienced any type of infidelity. We've always had a pretty active physical relationship and we even enjoying working out together, even now. Just a little over a week ago we were giggling at silly shows together and she even told me how much she appreciates that efforts I've been making at really paying attention to her needs.
It's a weird place. I guess I never saw it coming, which makes it all seem so devastating. My instinct is to over-coddle. Which probably comes across as manipulation. She has expressed that sometimes she just wants to move on. I know that time and attention can help mend things. But how much time is too much in terms of not specifically trying to address and remedy a marital problem?
I need insight. I know I messed up and I've expressed that. I'll do what it takes to try and win her back. Maybe we have to kind of go through a re-courtship, albeit a very measured and slow one.
Anyway, since this was posted in November, W has pretty much resigned herself to not wanting to be my wife anymore.
We haven't talked specifically about divorce, but more of a separation arrangement where I'm out of the house and she's with the kids and life will be "what it is". Whatever that means. I really don't think she's thought this arrangement through at all. She's operating out of fear of getting hurt again and the only way she can exist is without me as her partner. We separated for 3 weeks back in December (I moved in with my mother, ugh) after which she said I could move back.
We're going to MC which really isn't getting us anywhere. I still love her and don't want this to be over. But I can't make her want to be with me. I can't afford to have a separate apartment. She doesn't work so she can't leave. She has no family here.
I'm on the fence as to which approach I must take. MAP? 180? I've accepted that she might not ever want to be married to me any more. Not sure if she's waiting for some kind of magical sign or just here out of convenience. Either way, life is tough.
Thoughts?
I've posted a couple of threads in the General Discussion section of TAM. I've been here for about a year now. Looking for some male advice.
Here's my situation. (this is original thread I posted elsewhere)
We're in a rough patch now - kind of a continuation of one that began earlier this year. It subsided a bit, but just a few days ago came back. I think I misread what was happening before.
We've be married for 13 years, together for 15. We have 3 kids now. Earlier this year I thought the breakdown was more over her emotional rut and sort of soul-searching phase, like what's her other purpose other than dutiful wife and mother. Which I wasn't at all resistant to her discovering herself. I encouraged her to try and figure it out and I would help in any way.
But her recent breakdown has been more revealing. She simply says she's tired and exhausted. To my guilt, I messed things up a bit for us financially. Not anywhere near bankruptcy, but one credit card debt can really wreak havoc on a family's already tight budget. And that's what I did. I stepped in s***t again. Even at the behest of my wife. It's totally my fault.
So now she's at the point where she doesn't think she can muster the strength to not only hang around but fears that I might drag us though the dirt again. She feels that I took her for granted. And I have. Her deepest hurt comes from the thought of even though I couldn't fully reconcile the husband/father that I wanted to be with the person that I thought I really was, she didn't care. She loved me no matter what and was proud of me not matter what. And I just didn't fully appreciate that about her. Not in any way that she could appreciate, at least.
She says she hasn't written off our marriage yet. But she'd rather us be apart and still love each other, than risk staying married and end up resenting each other. Kind of a "I'll destroy this village in order to save it" gesture.
There's never been talk of anybody else. And we've never dealt or experienced any type of infidelity. We've always had a pretty active physical relationship and we even enjoying working out together, even now. Just a little over a week ago we were giggling at silly shows together and she even told me how much she appreciates that efforts I've been making at really paying attention to her needs.
It's a weird place. I guess I never saw it coming, which makes it all seem so devastating. My instinct is to over-coddle. Which probably comes across as manipulation. She has expressed that sometimes she just wants to move on. I know that time and attention can help mend things. But how much time is too much in terms of not specifically trying to address and remedy a marital problem?
I need insight. I know I messed up and I've expressed that. I'll do what it takes to try and win her back. Maybe we have to kind of go through a re-courtship, albeit a very measured and slow one.
Anyway, since this was posted in November, W has pretty much resigned herself to not wanting to be my wife anymore.
We haven't talked specifically about divorce, but more of a separation arrangement where I'm out of the house and she's with the kids and life will be "what it is". Whatever that means. I really don't think she's thought this arrangement through at all. She's operating out of fear of getting hurt again and the only way she can exist is without me as her partner. We separated for 3 weeks back in December (I moved in with my mother, ugh) after which she said I could move back.
We're going to MC which really isn't getting us anywhere. I still love her and don't want this to be over. But I can't make her want to be with me. I can't afford to have a separate apartment. She doesn't work so she can't leave. She has no family here.
I'm on the fence as to which approach I must take. MAP? 180? I've accepted that she might not ever want to be married to me any more. Not sure if she's waiting for some kind of magical sign or just here out of convenience. Either way, life is tough.
Thoughts?
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