Hi. I haven't been active on this forum, but would like some advice now.
(I wasn't sure where to post this - I hope it's in the right place.)
I am a "victim" of cheating. It was about exactly 2 years ago that I found out about it and our relationship shattered into a million pieces, literally ... It's been 2 years and I have been spending this time trying to "do the puzzle" .. I started changing myself, working really hard (many ideas came from this forum - thanks:)) .. I took a whole year working on myself only and didn't push him at all, I just let him be, because I saw that I had been the 'monster' and pushed him into an affair ..
After a year, I started pushing with ideas to work on us both (quite unproductively).
It's been 2 years now and I feel helpless and lost. We are in a place right now where I don't want to even kiss him anymore. Do I just not love him anymore? Surely I must love him a little bit, having forgiven him and all ... I understand him and have been patient with him not opening up to me (which is so frustrating). We haven't really gotten a chance either to properly analyze or even talk about what exactly happened 2 years ago and what this has done to us ... After the affair, we left our 'stuff' and went straight to traveling and volunteering together, having fun, like 'in the old times.'
After that we moved to his country and faced the shameful fact that his college degree from abroad had little value in his home country. He didn't find the job he wanted and he wasn't in a good place. He 'let himself down' in his eyes and till today hasn't become truly happy. I'd say he has been depressed for years now. I am not the one to diagnose, but he's certainly not happy. He doesn't have true friends (due to the fact that he was away from home for almost 6 years and we have been traveling around) .. I have been so patient with him, I feel like I deserve a medal. This year, his mother died .. More negative stuff. Add to this the fact that his father died when he was 10. Now he basically has only me. He's not close to the rest of the family (the whole family isn't actually) ..
We moved again now, after the MIL died, and started an exciting new chapter in a nice area. He's got a job, that is OK for him. He's not happy with it either, but pays bills. Things have been good here now, he is building some furniture for our home (on a hobby level), which I love and he seems to enjoy and he also joined the gym .. Baby steps .. Everything was going great ..
.. until I had some kind of an explosion. I am thinking the reason is what happened 2 years ago. It's still unresolved. I have been living with this for 2 years now, without us discussing it. It's crazy, huh?
My explosion was this - I suddenly didn't want to have sex with him anymore and I don't even like him kissing me anymore. I'm thinking it's all the stuff that I have been holding down for these 2 years (and probably more). He never wanted to open up to me, because there is a lot of painful stuff going on inside him .. I respected the fact that he didn't want to share "the inside of him" with me .. (He did it once (in 1 day) 2 years ago, when he saw that otherwise he would lose me).
Now we have been together for 5 years and I feel like I don't know him and I definitely don't trust him. It's like I'm waking up from a dream and taking a look at things. What's going on?
How the hell can a relationship work when there is no trust? What is this? Am I just being stupid and wasting my time with this, hoping that everything will miraculously come together one day? I mean, I have been doing this the whole time ... Is it time to stop?
Has the love just died?
What the hell is love anyway? - I thought it was caring about someone no-matter-what, the unconditional stuff. But if I cannot stand the person kissing me? Touching me? What's that?
We have been on an incredible journey together, literally - physically and mentally and I will never forget that. But is it over?
Or is there something I am overlooking?
Or is there a magic solution?
(Sorry if the writing is messy - let me know if it's the case - I'll clarify things.)
Thank you for ANY input.
(I wasn't sure where to post this - I hope it's in the right place.)
I am a "victim" of cheating. It was about exactly 2 years ago that I found out about it and our relationship shattered into a million pieces, literally ... It's been 2 years and I have been spending this time trying to "do the puzzle" .. I started changing myself, working really hard (many ideas came from this forum - thanks:)) .. I took a whole year working on myself only and didn't push him at all, I just let him be, because I saw that I had been the 'monster' and pushed him into an affair ..
After a year, I started pushing with ideas to work on us both (quite unproductively).
It's been 2 years now and I feel helpless and lost. We are in a place right now where I don't want to even kiss him anymore. Do I just not love him anymore? Surely I must love him a little bit, having forgiven him and all ... I understand him and have been patient with him not opening up to me (which is so frustrating). We haven't really gotten a chance either to properly analyze or even talk about what exactly happened 2 years ago and what this has done to us ... After the affair, we left our 'stuff' and went straight to traveling and volunteering together, having fun, like 'in the old times.'
After that we moved to his country and faced the shameful fact that his college degree from abroad had little value in his home country. He didn't find the job he wanted and he wasn't in a good place. He 'let himself down' in his eyes and till today hasn't become truly happy. I'd say he has been depressed for years now. I am not the one to diagnose, but he's certainly not happy. He doesn't have true friends (due to the fact that he was away from home for almost 6 years and we have been traveling around) .. I have been so patient with him, I feel like I deserve a medal. This year, his mother died .. More negative stuff. Add to this the fact that his father died when he was 10. Now he basically has only me. He's not close to the rest of the family (the whole family isn't actually) ..
We moved again now, after the MIL died, and started an exciting new chapter in a nice area. He's got a job, that is OK for him. He's not happy with it either, but pays bills. Things have been good here now, he is building some furniture for our home (on a hobby level), which I love and he seems to enjoy and he also joined the gym .. Baby steps .. Everything was going great ..
.. until I had some kind of an explosion. I am thinking the reason is what happened 2 years ago. It's still unresolved. I have been living with this for 2 years now, without us discussing it. It's crazy, huh?
My explosion was this - I suddenly didn't want to have sex with him anymore and I don't even like him kissing me anymore. I'm thinking it's all the stuff that I have been holding down for these 2 years (and probably more). He never wanted to open up to me, because there is a lot of painful stuff going on inside him .. I respected the fact that he didn't want to share "the inside of him" with me .. (He did it once (in 1 day) 2 years ago, when he saw that otherwise he would lose me).
Now we have been together for 5 years and I feel like I don't know him and I definitely don't trust him. It's like I'm waking up from a dream and taking a look at things. What's going on?
How the hell can a relationship work when there is no trust? What is this? Am I just being stupid and wasting my time with this, hoping that everything will miraculously come together one day? I mean, I have been doing this the whole time ... Is it time to stop?
Has the love just died?
What the hell is love anyway? - I thought it was caring about someone no-matter-what, the unconditional stuff. But if I cannot stand the person kissing me? Touching me? What's that?
We have been on an incredible journey together, literally - physically and mentally and I will never forget that. But is it over?
Or is there something I am overlooking?
Or is there a magic solution?
(Sorry if the writing is messy - let me know if it's the case - I'll clarify things.)
Thank you for ANY input.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment