Searching the internet I have located the term for what is happening to me: Emotional Abandonment.
My husband has flipped this switch about 30 days ago.
We have been married 13 years, together 14. 2nd marriages for both of us, we each have grown children and grandchilden.
The first few years were amazing, we did everything together, went many places. Then, we moved. We bought a big piece of land, built a big house and acquired a bunch of hobby animals and alot of responsibility and work!
We both had careers for 20 years, but he chose to leave his career to start something new. I supported any decision he made. Over the next few years we both became overworked and tired. We still had fun together, went places but our intimacy started to fade. My sex drive has always been higher than his, but I lived with the decline. I Knew he was tired, was working so hard to keep up with everything.
Fast forward to the last year or two. He has started his own business. The type of business it is requires alot of work for a long period of time before any benefit is seen. He has been working day and night and weekends just to try to get it started, get jobs done. Over the last few months I have noticed that he has been worried about not having the security of retirement, as I do.
I have noticed that he hasn't wanted to do anything. Can't go, have to work. Don't want to do this or that because I am tired. He didn't even have interest in getting the hot tub. I understood and felt that he just needed to do what he had to do and eventually his business would take off and all would go back to normal. I do not feel that I ever nagged him, or hovered over him. He also moved another mattress in our room, indicating it was because our new mattress hurt his back and wasn't able to get a good nights sleep. We haven't had sex is over a year now.
However, over this last winter, I really had some resentment building. This I believe caused him to also have resentment due to my actions. Looking back now, my actions were embarrassing. I didn't take care of the house, didn't cook dinner, didn't acknowledge anything he did positively. I am sure I was depressed, the long cold dreary winter didn't help. We both work at home, and being stuck here with someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with me was really unbearable. I didn't bring anything up, in fear that it would cause an argument. During the entire winter, we both had grumpy faces.
So about 1 month ago, he announced that he was going to move into the little trailer we have. 'He is done and his mind is made up'. After a few days/conversations I was able to get him to stay in the house, in our bedroom, in his own little bed.
He gave me a variety of reasons for his being done. First of all it has nothing to do with me. (Not sure how he can say that-I have behaved badly). He said we have no connection, we should have never gotten married in the first place. We have nothing in common. I don't like country music (seriously? but ok..) He also was concerned about the amount of retirement I have, the amount of vacation time I have. He didn't want to have me as his crutch (financially). He said that he doesnt have any memories of us. He said that I tell him that he can never do anything right. He wants to sell our house, sell everything and buy a small little house by himself.
I have been researching this and reading many books, trying to understand and make changes from my end. From what i can determine most of what he has said is all very common dialogue and can be reversed.
However, what is really disturbing is that he is emotionally abandoning me. We can have business conversations or talk about the animals. But when he comes in from work at night, which is about 8:30-9pm, he takes a shower then goes straight to his computer at the kitchen counter and listens to music and surfs craigslist. (I have been checking his browser history-and nothing bad there-just farm equipment/cars, etc). He does this for an hour and then goes to bed.
I have been giving him space. I have been trying to work on myself. Trying to keep positive, look for those opportunities to praise his work or thank him, without looking like I am over-trying. Making myself look good. I am trying to go to bed at the same time he does.
All of this I believe is just a huge spiral down of a lack of communication, a lack of touching and taking time to be with each other.
I have been trying to find information about emotional abandonment. Does anyone have experience in reversing this at all that might be able to provide some insight?
My husband has flipped this switch about 30 days ago.
We have been married 13 years, together 14. 2nd marriages for both of us, we each have grown children and grandchilden.
The first few years were amazing, we did everything together, went many places. Then, we moved. We bought a big piece of land, built a big house and acquired a bunch of hobby animals and alot of responsibility and work!
We both had careers for 20 years, but he chose to leave his career to start something new. I supported any decision he made. Over the next few years we both became overworked and tired. We still had fun together, went places but our intimacy started to fade. My sex drive has always been higher than his, but I lived with the decline. I Knew he was tired, was working so hard to keep up with everything.
Fast forward to the last year or two. He has started his own business. The type of business it is requires alot of work for a long period of time before any benefit is seen. He has been working day and night and weekends just to try to get it started, get jobs done. Over the last few months I have noticed that he has been worried about not having the security of retirement, as I do.
I have noticed that he hasn't wanted to do anything. Can't go, have to work. Don't want to do this or that because I am tired. He didn't even have interest in getting the hot tub. I understood and felt that he just needed to do what he had to do and eventually his business would take off and all would go back to normal. I do not feel that I ever nagged him, or hovered over him. He also moved another mattress in our room, indicating it was because our new mattress hurt his back and wasn't able to get a good nights sleep. We haven't had sex is over a year now.
However, over this last winter, I really had some resentment building. This I believe caused him to also have resentment due to my actions. Looking back now, my actions were embarrassing. I didn't take care of the house, didn't cook dinner, didn't acknowledge anything he did positively. I am sure I was depressed, the long cold dreary winter didn't help. We both work at home, and being stuck here with someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with me was really unbearable. I didn't bring anything up, in fear that it would cause an argument. During the entire winter, we both had grumpy faces.
So about 1 month ago, he announced that he was going to move into the little trailer we have. 'He is done and his mind is made up'. After a few days/conversations I was able to get him to stay in the house, in our bedroom, in his own little bed.
He gave me a variety of reasons for his being done. First of all it has nothing to do with me. (Not sure how he can say that-I have behaved badly). He said we have no connection, we should have never gotten married in the first place. We have nothing in common. I don't like country music (seriously? but ok..) He also was concerned about the amount of retirement I have, the amount of vacation time I have. He didn't want to have me as his crutch (financially). He said that he doesnt have any memories of us. He said that I tell him that he can never do anything right. He wants to sell our house, sell everything and buy a small little house by himself.
I have been researching this and reading many books, trying to understand and make changes from my end. From what i can determine most of what he has said is all very common dialogue and can be reversed.
However, what is really disturbing is that he is emotionally abandoning me. We can have business conversations or talk about the animals. But when he comes in from work at night, which is about 8:30-9pm, he takes a shower then goes straight to his computer at the kitchen counter and listens to music and surfs craigslist. (I have been checking his browser history-and nothing bad there-just farm equipment/cars, etc). He does this for an hour and then goes to bed.
I have been giving him space. I have been trying to work on myself. Trying to keep positive, look for those opportunities to praise his work or thank him, without looking like I am over-trying. Making myself look good. I am trying to go to bed at the same time he does.
All of this I believe is just a huge spiral down of a lack of communication, a lack of touching and taking time to be with each other.
I have been trying to find information about emotional abandonment. Does anyone have experience in reversing this at all that might be able to provide some insight?
Put the internet to work for you.
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