March 12, 1983 - July 21, 2013 THE END !!!!!!!!!!

Well, I think in the past few years, I have been on 4 different threads on TAM........kind of all over the place just like my emotions. I received advise from many different people and of course I had to figure things out for myself and today was the end of "lala land" for me. My husband of 30 years told me that he is proceeding with the divorce after 4 years of limbo, emotional cruelty, 2 affairs with the same person, back together, seperated, backed together, in therapy, out of therapy.......I think you get the picture. He says that he fell out of love with me 2 decades ago during the time my parents divorced and I was left taking care of my Mom. He felt rejected and "second best" during the 10 years that I took care of her, became detached and never reconnected with me. He held this bitterness in for another decade without communicating his feelings. I was clueless to the extent of his deep-seeded feelings of rejection that stemmed from his own Mom's rejection for his older brother. Clearly, I had no idea of his fragile emotional state. Fast forward to 4 years ago when he had his first affair with C, his sec'y who eventually sued him for sexual harrassment after he reluctantly fired her. We reconciled for about 3 years but the emotional dysfunction was horrible. He never had his heart into our marriage and I did all the changing and work. It was one-sided with me loving for both of us. There were happy times during these years but they were few and far between. This past March he left me again after numerous personal stresses and setbacks in his life. Already being detached from me, he sought comfort and happiness once again with C. That lasted about 8 weeks until our son gave him an ultimatum: "It's me or C." So, once again my H was forced to seperate from C by outside forces and not by his own decision. The time back with me (June 8 - July 21) was/is a lame attempt at reconciliation. No real effort on his part. Me making the changing. Then early today, he called and said while he was crying, "I don't love you anymore and I am once again proceeding with the divorce. If you need anything, please call me.I want to be your friend because you have been my best friend for 30 years and you know me more than anyone else in this world. I don't want to lose you but I know that I am not good for you and I don't want to hurt you anymore." He said that he would "call me tonight" and I said, "Please don't." My heart is broken. My soul is gone. My head is pounding. And my eyes are nearly swollen shut. Thank you for listening. My Love, VH

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