| Hello friends. My wife and I met when we were 15 years old. We dated for 6 years before finally getting married at the early age of 21. we have been semi-happily married for 14 years. I dont think I was really ready to get married, but our relationship had gotten to the point where it was either "get married" of "break up"...her father died shortly after we started dating and I think that we both had some serious codependency issues going on that kept us together during college. Anyways, when we decided to get married, it was much more of a decision than a proposal; there was no grand gesture; there was no ellaborate proposal...we just kind of decided we would get married. Even in the weeks leading up to the marriage, I found myself flirting with other girls. Nothing ever came of it, but the wandering eye was there even early on. So, we got married. I dont remember that we were ever blissfully happy, but it was certainly better than what I am goin g through now. Anyways, early in our marriage, my wife found out that I looked at porn pretty regularly...I didnt think this was a big deal, but she was crushed...almost like I had cheated on her. I went to counseling and was basically convinced that I was addicted to porn. I layed off the porn for a while, had some fallbacks here and there, but ultimately, it kind of crept back into my life, but I still dont know if it was really an addiction - given the choice, I would much rather be intimate with my wife, but her sex drive is a "once every other week kind of thing"...mine is daily. So, we got past that. About a year later, I ended up becoming really good friends with a female co-worker...she was so much fun and we had things in common that my wife and I never had. Again, i never cheated, but its safe to say that I had a serious crush on this co-worker. I would even talk about her at home with my wife. My wife ultimately called me on it "you have a crush on her..dont you", she said. I admitted that I did, but didnt want to loose her as a friend, so I kept the friendship going - which was a mistake. It ultimately ended really weird, in order to convince my wife that I was not cheating on her, I basically had to tell my co-worker to never speak to me again. I blocked her emails and instant messages. It took a while for the message to get accross, but the friendship ended - abruptly. I guess the next phase of our marriage involves kids. Let me start by saying that raising kids is HARD work. wow. Anyways, we currently have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. When the oldest was 4-5 years old (before the yougest was born), I started to distance myself from the family. It wasnt intentional, I just started doing a lot more stuff with friends and away from my wife and child. I would play tennis one night, poker the next, happy hour the next, maybe go to a concert by myself. I kept this up for a couple months at least and my wife finally called it to my at tention and threatened to leave. So I stopped going out so much, stay home, really tried to work on our marriage. During all of this, my wife had been going back to school to finally get her degree. Just as she was getting ready to graduate and start her career, yep, you guessed it. Baby #2 came along. My wife is not the sort of mother who puts her kids in day care, so her career was now on hold. The new baby was TOUGH...and thats an understatement. He didnt sleep through the night until he was 20 months old. With our first child, my wife basically took care of all the "night shifts" since I had to be up early for my job. With the new baby, I was able to take 3 months off from work and I was Mr. Mom...right there with her. We would take shifts so that the load was shared. Once I went back to work, I continued to help with the hard nights. We were both sleep deprived and miserable. We fell of the face of the planet as far as friends go. Before our second child, we used to hos t dinner parties all the time, but that came to an end. Anyways, as tired and miserable and I was, I felt like I was finally checked into my family and doing my part as a husband and a father and I was proud of that. The problem though was that during this time, my wife had gotten really cold and bristly towards me. Nothing I did was correct, and I always came up short in her eyes. It turns out that right about the time that I checked back into the family (remember when I stopped going out so much), she checked out. I think that was a lot of her motivation to finish school...I believe that she was planning her escape from a dependent marriage. Sorry for the history, but I wanted to provide at least some background before getting into my current situation. Anyways, about 7-8 months ago, my wife came to me and said that she wanted to give our marriage a year, and if we couldnt "fix it" by then, she wanted a divorce. She was serious and I could tell. When I was 2 years old, my parents divorced, so I know first hand how hard it can be on children. Based on my own experiences, I had defined my success as a man based on my ability to NOT follow in my father's footsteps. My MO was to stay married at all costs. So, my wife's annoucement and 1-year timeframe was a real wake up call. We agreed that we were going to love each other and turn things around. I should also point out that almost exactly at the same time, 2 other things happened: 1. I had a vasectomy 2. she started working out 7 days a week and losing weight like crazy.....Well, for the most part, we got off to a really good start. Things felt good. And then it was tax time (which also coincides with when I get my bonus at work). We had talked previously about what to use this year's bonus and tax return for and decided that we would pay off some old student loans...BUT, one day, my wife walks in and tells me that instead of paying off the loans, she wants plastic surgery - the mommy makeover (breast reduction and tummy tuck). This wasnt completely out of the blue - we had talked about it before, but the timing was never right and we never had the money before. Due to her recent weight lose, she really wanted the surgery. It wasnt as much of a conversation as much as it was her announcing that she was going in for her consult. She went for the consult, paided the down payment, and scheduled her surgery. A few weeks later, she went on a trip by herself to see an old friend where we grew up. When she got back, it was like a lightswitch got flipped. She told me that she no longer wanted to try to save our marriage and that she wanted a divorce. I was crushed...I'll save you the play by play, but the short story is that I have spent the last 6 months trying to change her mind and that I went ahead and paid for her surgery and also was completely there for her during her recovery. If I had not paid for the surgery, that would have put the nail in my coffen, so I dont feel like I really even had a choice if I wanted to stay married. Again, to try to keep it short, the last six months have been a cycle of me trying to convince her to stay, her convincing me that we are not good for one another, me finding out through eavesdropping or snooping that she is being dishonest with me - even during the times when she tells me that she is "trying", me finally giving in and telling her that I am also "done" and that divorce is probably the right thing, and then the cycle starts over again when she realizes how impactful this is going to be on ours and the kids' lives...so she takes a step forward everytime that I think its done. We've literally been through this cycle 4-5 times. But lately, she seems to have leveled out and its me that seems to be having all the doubts and trust issues. 6 weeks ago, she moved to our vacation home with the kids. She got a job there, and is starting on Monday. She has finally agreed to go to marriage counseling. Its a really weird separation because on the weekends, I'll either go to the vacation home, or she will come here. We will sleep in the same bed and occationally we will be intmate. (Sex by the way is and has always been great between us) Our time together is really difficult because she seems to think that I am obsessed with sex. With the weight loss and surgery...omg, she looks unbeleivable. Its all I can do to keep my hands off of her. But that is the last thing she wants. When I am away from her, I start to think about things logically. I think: we've never really been happy, she doesnt enjoy my company, the things I enjoy annoy her, she doesnt trust me, she undermines my masculinity, I realize that I dont really enjoy her company either - even when we go on dates, I dont really have fun. I'm on eggshells the whole time trying not to make an inappropriate joke, trying not to have more than 2 beers or I'll hear about it, its just not enjoyable. So lately, yeah, its me thats having all these doubts. When we are together, the doubts subside a little, but as soon as we are apart again, I find myself looking at other women...wondering if they would like me for who I am...wondering if I would be able to really have a connection with someone else that would allow me to be "the man" that wife seems to think that I am not. This past week, I was having a drink after work, and I ran into a woman that I used to work with and we ended up going to a concert together that night. We absolutely had the best time together - nothing happened; I woundnt even consider it a date, but just the fact that I was able to be myself and actually have fun - its haunting. Before going to this concert, I felt pretty level myself. I was looking forward to gett ing to counseling and really trying to figure out my marriage. I KNOW that any sort of interaction with other women right now is just NOISE, but I cannot help how I feel right now. Its so hard to enjoy time with someone and then ask yourself: what would the concert have been like with my wife? well, it would have been too loud, the band would have annoyed her, I would have had drank 1 too many beers, its exhausting to even think about. Im just so torn up right now. I dont know what advice I am even looking for. Maybe just a fresh perspective on things. More than anything, I want to "want to stay married"...I want that desire back. It feels so weird to have fought tooth and nail for six months to save the marriage and then all of the sudden, its like I am at the end of my rope...I've been convinced that I cant be the man my wife requires...and for the first time I am really asking myself what do I want out of this. Thanks for taking the time to read this. -My Name is Jonas | |||
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