does making an effort for your spouse mean you are not being yourself?

Hi, My husband and I were talking yesterday and we discovered something which I thought was a fundamental difference at how we view marriage. I feel extremely dumb to take so long to figure this one out (we have been married for 16 years). I was always trying to do nice things for my husband, some of which took me some effort. I thought that showed him that I loved him. He never really did the same for me which made me feel unloved. Yesterday he told me that he feels that making an effort for your spouse means that you are not being yourself. And if you do something and expect something in return, then you don't really want to do it and should not do it. I was really hurt by this as I felt like he didn't really need/want me to do all those things for him. I also feel like he would prefer not getting any of those nice things from me if I didn't have to make any effort for me. Does anyone think a marriage should really work like this? both spouse are just being themselves and only doing things they really enjoy. All thoughts are very much appreciated. Posted via Mobile Device

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