I caught my husband having an emotional affair with a good friend of mine (who I didn't want to be my friend b/c she was his first love and I KNOW this is bad news-every time, but anyway) One morning a few months ago, I woke up and just knew something was off. I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. He left in a rage, and I found all the texts on his iPad. They had a physical affair (kissing-no sex, they didn't have the opportunity before they were found out), and tons of emotional stuff (the I love you, can't wait to make you my daily reality, what if we had married each other, etc), over a very short 2 week period where it went from 0-250 mph in no time flat.
We have been married 12 years and it just kills me. Since discovering this, he came clean about two drunken kisses at bars on work trips when we were first married as well as an emotional affair on Facebook and another one that I knew about 3 years ago and caught him having on Facebook. He has been completely transparent about even the most tiny details.
He has done every thing right since this all came out-the apologies, the answering any question I have, any time of the day, etc. By and large, he has been amazing and VERY remorseful, the tears, the sorrow, all of it. He regrets it all and feels terrible most of the time. He is just now coming out of "the fog". He loves me but we both have done things over our 12 year marriage that were not fostering any kind of closeness, or real marriage, and for that, I own up to my portion I contributed. He never makes me feel like that caused him to cheat, he owns up 1000% to that.
Anyway, my main issue is, how do I go on, knowing he has, and prob. always WILL have feelings for his first love. Now he acted on that attraction (which is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone in a long term marriage to compete with) he knows how powerful it is/was. I refuse to be married to someone who "loves" me but carries a torch for someone else. I just won't do it, and I've told him as much. His reply is, "how will you ever believe me in the future? if I told you I didn't have feelings for her anymore, you wouldn't believe me. If I tell you I do, I'm screwed-so how can I ever win?" He has such a valid point. For those of you that did reconcile, how did you ever work this one out when it was a first love and not a meaningless sex situation? That would have been easier to take/handle.
and that, is the crux of all our issues. I just don't know how to move on, how to ever continue in a life like that. I just don't think I can. Yet, we have a daughter to consider and this whole mess just eats me up inside.
:confused::crying:
We have been married 12 years and it just kills me. Since discovering this, he came clean about two drunken kisses at bars on work trips when we were first married as well as an emotional affair on Facebook and another one that I knew about 3 years ago and caught him having on Facebook. He has been completely transparent about even the most tiny details.
He has done every thing right since this all came out-the apologies, the answering any question I have, any time of the day, etc. By and large, he has been amazing and VERY remorseful, the tears, the sorrow, all of it. He regrets it all and feels terrible most of the time. He is just now coming out of "the fog". He loves me but we both have done things over our 12 year marriage that were not fostering any kind of closeness, or real marriage, and for that, I own up to my portion I contributed. He never makes me feel like that caused him to cheat, he owns up 1000% to that.
Anyway, my main issue is, how do I go on, knowing he has, and prob. always WILL have feelings for his first love. Now he acted on that attraction (which is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone in a long term marriage to compete with) he knows how powerful it is/was. I refuse to be married to someone who "loves" me but carries a torch for someone else. I just won't do it, and I've told him as much. His reply is, "how will you ever believe me in the future? if I told you I didn't have feelings for her anymore, you wouldn't believe me. If I tell you I do, I'm screwed-so how can I ever win?" He has such a valid point. For those of you that did reconcile, how did you ever work this one out when it was a first love and not a meaningless sex situation? That would have been easier to take/handle.
and that, is the crux of all our issues. I just don't know how to move on, how to ever continue in a life like that. I just don't think I can. Yet, we have a daughter to consider and this whole mess just eats me up inside.
:confused::crying:
Put the internet to work for you.
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