Hello TAM,
I am the lawyer with the traveling wife that was having affairs around the country for the last few years. I found out about it almost exactly three months ago and posted my story in early January. I wanted to give everyone an update and ask some additional advice.
First, though, I have to say thanks for the original responses. I read them multiple times a day in the early days of this. I would read them on my phone at night when I was unable to sleep because of the pain and mind movies that would play in my mind non-stop. I turned back to my faith in God and prayed minute by minute, very basic prayers asking for help putting one foot in front of the other. I asked for God's help and his strength because, as your responses let me know, I was going to need it. I'm happy to say that I got the strength I needed.
It didn't happen in one day's time but gradually. At first I was pathetic and did all the wrong things such as following her around the house, trying to hug/hold her, asking why, etc. That just drove her further from me and she said I was being pathetic. She even found a new guy to "date" a town or two away from where we live. (found out she slept with him twice, more on that later)
Then I implemented the 180, started to concentrate on myself and my children, lost about 35lbs. or so and, whattdayaknow, just a little over two months later she is having second thoughts and is not only attracted to me again but wants to pull the divorce and try to "work on the marriage".
Being that I'm an attorney, when she filed a divorce complaint against me, I filed a counter-complaint against her. This means that even if she withdrew her divorce complaint, mine would still be in place and we could technically be divorced. I moved into a condo that belongs to some people that spend the winter in Florida. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I went out and met a few women in late January/early February and started FWB relationships. I know this goes against what I know is right and my core values but I was so emasculated and felt like my manhood had been so decimated that I needed to know if there was something wrong with me. Well, it turns out there isn't anything wrong with me. Not only did I get some affection that I was so starved for, I was reminded that I have no problem pleasing a woman and there isn't anything wrong with me.
This is where things get a bit off track and would ask for your input: I went back to the marital house a few weeks ago and my stbx and I had sex. Not just sex but amazing sex most of the night. I felt sleazy about doing it but at the same time felt vindicated that she wanted me that way after all the things she'd said and done. (I know, this is irrational and stupid on my part) In no way did I think that this would solve what happened or cause the divorce to be called off. (I know, a wise poster said "DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE")
The next morning my stbx has her wedding ring back on and is wearing a necklace that I gave her twelve years ago. She asks me to stay a little bit longer and we have sex a few more times.
She is now saying that she wants to end the divorce proceedings and be a married couple again. She even attended a counseling session with me with my therapist, who I had started seeing soon after I discovered all of this. If you recall my original post and I recall how I felt writing it, I wanted some reason to believe that I could save my marriage and keep my family intact (4 kids under 13). Now, I don't know how I can remain married to a serial cheater. The sheer number of times she cheated (over 20 different men she admits to) is not even as bad as the emotional part of her falling in love with some of these men. (who I consider to be total pieces of **** that would sleep with married ladies).
It's almost like the sex is secondary to her emotional love for other men. I'm thinking it is a deal-breaker and if I reconcile with her I'll always be miserable worrying about if she's doing inappropriate stuff when she's not around me.
I get encouraged both to run from her and to possibly give her another chance. Remember I have young children and I always thought that I was the more stable parent and don't want to leave them 50% or more of the time with a woman that could do God only knows what.
Only three months later but the thoughts of what she did are my constant companions.
I am the lawyer with the traveling wife that was having affairs around the country for the last few years. I found out about it almost exactly three months ago and posted my story in early January. I wanted to give everyone an update and ask some additional advice.
First, though, I have to say thanks for the original responses. I read them multiple times a day in the early days of this. I would read them on my phone at night when I was unable to sleep because of the pain and mind movies that would play in my mind non-stop. I turned back to my faith in God and prayed minute by minute, very basic prayers asking for help putting one foot in front of the other. I asked for God's help and his strength because, as your responses let me know, I was going to need it. I'm happy to say that I got the strength I needed.
It didn't happen in one day's time but gradually. At first I was pathetic and did all the wrong things such as following her around the house, trying to hug/hold her, asking why, etc. That just drove her further from me and she said I was being pathetic. She even found a new guy to "date" a town or two away from where we live. (found out she slept with him twice, more on that later)
Then I implemented the 180, started to concentrate on myself and my children, lost about 35lbs. or so and, whattdayaknow, just a little over two months later she is having second thoughts and is not only attracted to me again but wants to pull the divorce and try to "work on the marriage".
Being that I'm an attorney, when she filed a divorce complaint against me, I filed a counter-complaint against her. This means that even if she withdrew her divorce complaint, mine would still be in place and we could technically be divorced. I moved into a condo that belongs to some people that spend the winter in Florida. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I went out and met a few women in late January/early February and started FWB relationships. I know this goes against what I know is right and my core values but I was so emasculated and felt like my manhood had been so decimated that I needed to know if there was something wrong with me. Well, it turns out there isn't anything wrong with me. Not only did I get some affection that I was so starved for, I was reminded that I have no problem pleasing a woman and there isn't anything wrong with me.
This is where things get a bit off track and would ask for your input: I went back to the marital house a few weeks ago and my stbx and I had sex. Not just sex but amazing sex most of the night. I felt sleazy about doing it but at the same time felt vindicated that she wanted me that way after all the things she'd said and done. (I know, this is irrational and stupid on my part) In no way did I think that this would solve what happened or cause the divorce to be called off. (I know, a wise poster said "DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE")
The next morning my stbx has her wedding ring back on and is wearing a necklace that I gave her twelve years ago. She asks me to stay a little bit longer and we have sex a few more times.
She is now saying that she wants to end the divorce proceedings and be a married couple again. She even attended a counseling session with me with my therapist, who I had started seeing soon after I discovered all of this. If you recall my original post and I recall how I felt writing it, I wanted some reason to believe that I could save my marriage and keep my family intact (4 kids under 13). Now, I don't know how I can remain married to a serial cheater. The sheer number of times she cheated (over 20 different men she admits to) is not even as bad as the emotional part of her falling in love with some of these men. (who I consider to be total pieces of **** that would sleep with married ladies).
It's almost like the sex is secondary to her emotional love for other men. I'm thinking it is a deal-breaker and if I reconcile with her I'll always be miserable worrying about if she's doing inappropriate stuff when she's not around me.
I get encouraged both to run from her and to possibly give her another chance. Remember I have young children and I always thought that I was the more stable parent and don't want to leave them 50% or more of the time with a woman that could do God only knows what.
Only three months later but the thoughts of what she did are my constant companions.
Put the internet to work for you.
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