Hi everyone,
I hope it is OK to start a new thread here when I have one in another forum. I was just hoping for a bit of focused advice. Thankyou in advance for reading my story.
Attempting to cut it short, my husband approached me about 5 weeks ago and gave me the "I don't feel love for you anymore, I've been unhappy for a while" speech. Over the next few days, I stumbled across msg's from an employee of his, 8 years his junior (he is 30, she is 22). I confronted him immediately, to which he shared the bare minimum, sharing a little more as I disclosed what I was reading. This was over the phone.
The next morning he came home and said he will believes he will never love me again and trying to fix things wouldn't work. In the weeks following I went along with his illusion that the issues in our marriage (that I still haven't received an explanation about) and the feelings he developed for OW are completely separate, but I no longer feel that way and told him as much a couple of days ago. In those weeks I also apologised for and owned the things I believed I did to contribute to the break down of our relationship. I implored for more reasons and explanations from him, but got nothing. He is at the present, a guilt avoiding expert. But at the same time, not placing any blame on me. It's just that "we weren't working". Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was not bad by any stretch.
When I voiced my change in view of our situation, I didn't give him a chance to respond. I knew on the spot, it would be the same guilt avoiding explanations I have received over the weeks and I didn't want to put myself in a position to have to respond to them straight away. I also wanted him to dwell on what I said for a while, without the chance to try make himself feel better. I have received no contact since. Except being blocked from a bank account that only had his yearly bonus in it (he is a bank manager).
The advice I'm seeking is in regards to exposure. I have read countless posts and articles that this is the best way to stop the affair. (But I feel that since the day he left, he doesn't believe anything from then constitutes an "affair". Some people may agree?) And I am so grateful to the people on TAM that have taken the time to share their advice and stories. But as my H says he is so positively sure that he will never love me again and we will never work, I am wondering if in this particular case, there is still a "point" to exposing an affair when the spouse has expressed no desire for an R or to even work on the marriage? As much as he may not deserve the consideration, exposure could have very serious consequences for a career he has worked very, very hard for.
I feel like it would be seen as vindictive and vengeful, and give him fuel to see me more of a negative light than he may already, but my intention is to simply attempt to lift the "fog". Because he is not being nasty or blameful (just one of countless guilt avoiding tactics), I fear that exposure could be pin pointed as the act that I DID to turn the situation nasty.
Thankyou so much for reading. Apologies for not cutting it short as promised. :-(
I hope it is OK to start a new thread here when I have one in another forum. I was just hoping for a bit of focused advice. Thankyou in advance for reading my story.
Attempting to cut it short, my husband approached me about 5 weeks ago and gave me the "I don't feel love for you anymore, I've been unhappy for a while" speech. Over the next few days, I stumbled across msg's from an employee of his, 8 years his junior (he is 30, she is 22). I confronted him immediately, to which he shared the bare minimum, sharing a little more as I disclosed what I was reading. This was over the phone.
The next morning he came home and said he will believes he will never love me again and trying to fix things wouldn't work. In the weeks following I went along with his illusion that the issues in our marriage (that I still haven't received an explanation about) and the feelings he developed for OW are completely separate, but I no longer feel that way and told him as much a couple of days ago. In those weeks I also apologised for and owned the things I believed I did to contribute to the break down of our relationship. I implored for more reasons and explanations from him, but got nothing. He is at the present, a guilt avoiding expert. But at the same time, not placing any blame on me. It's just that "we weren't working". Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was not bad by any stretch.
When I voiced my change in view of our situation, I didn't give him a chance to respond. I knew on the spot, it would be the same guilt avoiding explanations I have received over the weeks and I didn't want to put myself in a position to have to respond to them straight away. I also wanted him to dwell on what I said for a while, without the chance to try make himself feel better. I have received no contact since. Except being blocked from a bank account that only had his yearly bonus in it (he is a bank manager).
The advice I'm seeking is in regards to exposure. I have read countless posts and articles that this is the best way to stop the affair. (But I feel that since the day he left, he doesn't believe anything from then constitutes an "affair". Some people may agree?) And I am so grateful to the people on TAM that have taken the time to share their advice and stories. But as my H says he is so positively sure that he will never love me again and we will never work, I am wondering if in this particular case, there is still a "point" to exposing an affair when the spouse has expressed no desire for an R or to even work on the marriage? As much as he may not deserve the consideration, exposure could have very serious consequences for a career he has worked very, very hard for.
I feel like it would be seen as vindictive and vengeful, and give him fuel to see me more of a negative light than he may already, but my intention is to simply attempt to lift the "fog". Because he is not being nasty or blameful (just one of countless guilt avoiding tactics), I fear that exposure could be pin pointed as the act that I DID to turn the situation nasty.
Thankyou so much for reading. Apologies for not cutting it short as promised. :-(
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