So my wife and I of 13.5yrs have hit a lot of huge bumps in the road over the past year. It started to get progressively worse this past summer when she asked if we could open our relationship up. I won't get into it all in this thread, but things had and still are at a point where we do not know what direction our marriage is going to take. Prior to 6 weeks ago, things seemed as though they were progressively getting better however. We started therapy and started talking more.
Of course because of other issues in our relationship have come about, the sex had dropped off as well. I was told that she no longer desired me that way, that she wanted to be with more of a "alpha" type man in the bedroom vs. me whom doesn't view sex as just sex, but something I could only do and am only capable of doing with someone I sincerely love. I've never been the "demanding" type in the bedroom. With things the way they were going and seeing my marriage seemingly falling apart right in front of me I felt like I'll do anything to salvage it. We were still having sex regardless.... times she wasn't all into it, others I wasn't and sometimes by luck we were both into it but it felt different. I constantly heard the stuff about the "alpha" type guy, then she started having fantasies about multiple guys, s&M, etc. that she started bringing to my attention. We both had gotten into a bad place...me not wanting us to fall apart and her not knowing what she wanted but sayin g that i wasn't fulfilling her needs sexually and have almost become more like a "brother" than a husband. So we started going to therapy to work on things and things seemed as though they were getting better.
Then one night while snuggling in bed I tried to start touching her and she said she wasn't interested in that. So I laid there. I tried again and she said it again. Then for whatever reason I recalled in my mind her saying over and over about wishing to be with an "alpha" type man vs me, someone that craved and just wanted to do like the books she's been reading, ripping her close off and having sex (not necessarily making love). So I advanced to kissing her passionately and started taking her close off. She didn't seem comfortable with it at first, however, she was helping take off clothes and going along with it. Then when the deed actually began it felt like I was with a lifeless body that was just there like I forced myself on her. I didn't even finish nor wanted to. I felt like I was completely wrong for even trying to be someone I wasn't, I hated every moment of it and like it wasn't doing either of us good.
The next day she told me she was hurt and resented what had happened. That she didn't want it and felt disrespected and that I didn't listen to her saying "no". But she also said that she felt responsible for what happened as well because she started removing clothes and felt as though that was just giving in. She wasn't scared of me hurting her, she didn't want to upset or hurt my feelings though by not. I said I was sorry and that I felt as though what had happened between us only set things back further vs. making them any better. And that I wanted to be what she wanted, but that wasn't me and it all felt wrong, very wrong! She said that was fine and that she would be fine, she just needed time.
A week later while in bed again and snuggling I asked if she was interested and she said no. I said okay, a little hurt by the way she said it and that she still felt the way she did, but that was that and I wasn't about to try to be someone or something I'm not again. I was fine with it and respecting what she felt. So I felt it better to just get up and walk away for a breather alone. She felt like she had upset me then yelled at me to get back in bed and get undressed. I wasn't sure at this time what to do and continued to leave the room. She then said, "Seriously... get back in bed and get undressed!!" So I did. While her taking control seemed a bit of a turn on, it still didn't feel right. Like something underlying from the previous time was going on. Like she wasn't telling me something and the distance continued even though she said over and over she was okay and had let all that go.
6 weeks later, our marriage still is on the rocks and we haven't had sex since the last time above. She will cuddle but no heavy kissing or anything past holding hands or hugging. I asked her to seriously tell me what is going on last night. Is our marriage at a point where we'll never be able to work things out? She has been in a "limbo" since last year around this time and still hasn't made any decision whether to try to fix it or not to. In the meantime, our 8yr. old son thankfully knows very little of our arguments, but I feel as though the longer we drag it out the more apparent things will become to him. Nevertheless, getting back to this part of the relation.... what happened to the woman I knew wanted sex all the time and who had all of these fantasies of having sex with multiple people at one time, wanting to get into the dominance thing, etc.? She then tells me, "I don't want sex. I don't think I ever will ever again! Not with you or anyone!" She then proceeds t o burst out crying and say, "remember the night I didn't want to and you did, and you acted very dominating?" I say "yes, I do and I'm not happy about that at all! I didn't feel like that was me, my character or what I ever wanted but that I "thought" it was what she wanted by constantly sticking my nose in wanting a more "dominate / alpha" type guy."
She then went on to say well, after all was done that night she went to the bathroom and cried, had a panic attack, then showered profusely, douched and felt dirty, used and disrespected.
We talked here and there over the weeks leading up to last night about it and every time she has said she's okay. But last night she was crying a lot when she told me all of this and that she felt like she was over reacting to the situation. Here's the worst part of it all.... Not only do I think she's not over reacting at all but I feel like I raped my wife!! I even told her that and that if I could take that night back I would. I said to her I would willingly go to the police and turn myself in knowing that I would be listed as a sex offender. It wasn't meant to be like that or thought of like that.... I was trying to be what I kept hearing she wanted, desired and needed and failed miserably...not only did I fail, but it was portrayed not only in my eyes but hers to some extent (though she doesn't think it was) as well to be rape!
Trying to fix our relationship I've actually damaged ALOT more. And she even said that prior to that night she felt as though things were getting better, but now fears she'll never want to have sex again...not only with me but at all. I've ruined my wife and feel horrible and do not know what to do!!!????!!!!!
Of course because of other issues in our relationship have come about, the sex had dropped off as well. I was told that she no longer desired me that way, that she wanted to be with more of a "alpha" type man in the bedroom vs. me whom doesn't view sex as just sex, but something I could only do and am only capable of doing with someone I sincerely love. I've never been the "demanding" type in the bedroom. With things the way they were going and seeing my marriage seemingly falling apart right in front of me I felt like I'll do anything to salvage it. We were still having sex regardless.... times she wasn't all into it, others I wasn't and sometimes by luck we were both into it but it felt different. I constantly heard the stuff about the "alpha" type guy, then she started having fantasies about multiple guys, s&M, etc. that she started bringing to my attention. We both had gotten into a bad place...me not wanting us to fall apart and her not knowing what she wanted but sayin g that i wasn't fulfilling her needs sexually and have almost become more like a "brother" than a husband. So we started going to therapy to work on things and things seemed as though they were getting better.
Then one night while snuggling in bed I tried to start touching her and she said she wasn't interested in that. So I laid there. I tried again and she said it again. Then for whatever reason I recalled in my mind her saying over and over about wishing to be with an "alpha" type man vs me, someone that craved and just wanted to do like the books she's been reading, ripping her close off and having sex (not necessarily making love). So I advanced to kissing her passionately and started taking her close off. She didn't seem comfortable with it at first, however, she was helping take off clothes and going along with it. Then when the deed actually began it felt like I was with a lifeless body that was just there like I forced myself on her. I didn't even finish nor wanted to. I felt like I was completely wrong for even trying to be someone I wasn't, I hated every moment of it and like it wasn't doing either of us good.
The next day she told me she was hurt and resented what had happened. That she didn't want it and felt disrespected and that I didn't listen to her saying "no". But she also said that she felt responsible for what happened as well because she started removing clothes and felt as though that was just giving in. She wasn't scared of me hurting her, she didn't want to upset or hurt my feelings though by not. I said I was sorry and that I felt as though what had happened between us only set things back further vs. making them any better. And that I wanted to be what she wanted, but that wasn't me and it all felt wrong, very wrong! She said that was fine and that she would be fine, she just needed time.
A week later while in bed again and snuggling I asked if she was interested and she said no. I said okay, a little hurt by the way she said it and that she still felt the way she did, but that was that and I wasn't about to try to be someone or something I'm not again. I was fine with it and respecting what she felt. So I felt it better to just get up and walk away for a breather alone. She felt like she had upset me then yelled at me to get back in bed and get undressed. I wasn't sure at this time what to do and continued to leave the room. She then said, "Seriously... get back in bed and get undressed!!" So I did. While her taking control seemed a bit of a turn on, it still didn't feel right. Like something underlying from the previous time was going on. Like she wasn't telling me something and the distance continued even though she said over and over she was okay and had let all that go.
6 weeks later, our marriage still is on the rocks and we haven't had sex since the last time above. She will cuddle but no heavy kissing or anything past holding hands or hugging. I asked her to seriously tell me what is going on last night. Is our marriage at a point where we'll never be able to work things out? She has been in a "limbo" since last year around this time and still hasn't made any decision whether to try to fix it or not to. In the meantime, our 8yr. old son thankfully knows very little of our arguments, but I feel as though the longer we drag it out the more apparent things will become to him. Nevertheless, getting back to this part of the relation.... what happened to the woman I knew wanted sex all the time and who had all of these fantasies of having sex with multiple people at one time, wanting to get into the dominance thing, etc.? She then tells me, "I don't want sex. I don't think I ever will ever again! Not with you or anyone!" She then proceeds t o burst out crying and say, "remember the night I didn't want to and you did, and you acted very dominating?" I say "yes, I do and I'm not happy about that at all! I didn't feel like that was me, my character or what I ever wanted but that I "thought" it was what she wanted by constantly sticking my nose in wanting a more "dominate / alpha" type guy."
She then went on to say well, after all was done that night she went to the bathroom and cried, had a panic attack, then showered profusely, douched and felt dirty, used and disrespected.
We talked here and there over the weeks leading up to last night about it and every time she has said she's okay. But last night she was crying a lot when she told me all of this and that she felt like she was over reacting to the situation. Here's the worst part of it all.... Not only do I think she's not over reacting at all but I feel like I raped my wife!! I even told her that and that if I could take that night back I would. I said to her I would willingly go to the police and turn myself in knowing that I would be listed as a sex offender. It wasn't meant to be like that or thought of like that.... I was trying to be what I kept hearing she wanted, desired and needed and failed miserably...not only did I fail, but it was portrayed not only in my eyes but hers to some extent (though she doesn't think it was) as well to be rape!
Trying to fix our relationship I've actually damaged ALOT more. And she even said that prior to that night she felt as though things were getting better, but now fears she'll never want to have sex again...not only with me but at all. I've ruined my wife and feel horrible and do not know what to do!!!????!!!!!
Put the internet to work for you.
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