I just need to get this off my chest. I've never told anyone or written this down. I'm not expecting replies. I just need to get this out of my system.
Ever since I can remember, I knew that I was attracted to both men and women. Even before what I even knew what sex was, I would always think that both genders were attractive - and I knew my friends didn't think the same. However, I've never had any sexual feelings towards men. Right at this moment in my life, I see myself being with a woman on a sexual and emotional level. Yes, I'm still attracted to males at face value, but I don't see myself right now being in a relationship with one or having sexual relations. I can't really think of myself being with a male in this way. I guess this makes me a lesbian????? Or bi at least idk. All I know for sure, I am not straight.
The thing is, I'm not out. I've never told anyone. I never have and I never will.
The reason why I'm not out and never will be is because of my ethnic and religious background. You've probably guessed by now - I'm Asian and Muslim. Both communities aren't exactly the most liberal when it comes to accepting others. I'm personally not a practicing Muslim. But I fake it for my families sake. And being Asian doesn't help either seeing as the majority of Asians - Indians, Pakistanis, Bengalis - think that homosexuality is frowned upon.
Being Asian, it's quite normal to start looking for marriage in your early 20s. Marriage is something that is sacred and practiced within the Asian and Muslim community. Right now, there has been no mention for marriage for me - thank fook for that. But I know for sure in the near future there will be. And it makes me sad. It daunts me. It almost disgusts me. It disgusts me that I will have to marry a man who I know that I will never love, that I will have to have sex with that man and have children with him.
You may suggest "hey just don't marry". You try telling a Asian AND Muslim family that. Not wanting to marry? You may as well just be shunned out of the family. As I've said before, marriage is a big deal within both communities. Rejecting it is like disrespecting your family, your beliefs, your community.
I am legally an adult. So I could just move out and live life the way I want. I've thought about just getting up and leaving everyone. Moving out with no explanation. But I can't. Regardless of my families beliefs, they're still my family and I adore them. I can't leave them.
I've thought about taking my own life away - but I've realised that's just a stupid thing to do. However, it is always in the back of my mind. I'm still young and I've got the rest of my life to live. My long life of pretending to be someone I'm not. I know that I will never be fully content with myself or life because of this one, stupid, thing. Honestly, I do despise myself and will continue to for the rest of my life.
I could just be with women in secret and have this kept to myself for the rest of my life. But I know for a fact I will feel disgusting and dirty. There's always the possibility of me getting found it which would lead to me being completely shunned out of my family. I could never deal with that. I could never live with myself knowing that I've bought shame onto my family. I'd rather live a life in misery than lose my family and even my friends (most of them are homophobic)
I will never come out - ever.
Put the internet to work for you.
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