I could post a novel, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I just really need someone to talk to. I am 33 and my husband is 40. We've been married 8.5 years and together 11. We have 3 kids (oldest was mine from a previous relationship, but he was 1 when we met and has never seen his bio dad).
Things have really been pretty unhealthy from early on, but I was too young and naive to see the signs at first. We fell in love quickly (he said "I love you" on the 3rd date) and talked about marriage from the get-go. However, when we had been together almost 2 years, he told me he wasn't sure that he ever wanted to be married, but did want to stay with me. I told him that I did want to be married, so if that wasn't something he wanted, I should move on. He then said that he "guessed" we could get married. That right there should have been a big red flag..but instead, I was thrilled and ready to plan my wedding. Which, btw, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about bc he spent his savings trying to save his dog who had bone cancer, so he couldn't get a ring right away. I had to agree to not tell anyone and quietly plan alone until he got the ring. Which, I did. I dressed shopped, cake tasted, everything, alone....and when it came time to finally get the ring (3 months b efore our set wedding date), I shopped for that alone as well. During our "engagement" period is when he also started to become very verbal abusive as well. I can remember the first time he lashed out at me vividly. He was playing online poker and I happened to chime in about whether or not I would fold or bet. I think I said I would bet and he did just that and lost the hand. At which point he turned around and shouted "Just shut up! You made me lose that hand! If I need your input, I will ask you. For now just shut up!" I cried and he apologized and I chalked it up to him being stressed out.
Right after our one year wedding anniversary I ended up finding screenshots on our computer of webcam sex chats he had been having with women. I had found the same once before, when we were dating and he had promised to never do it again. This time, he said it wasn't a big deal and I only had a problem because I was insecure, but that if I cared that much, he wouldn't do it again. Well, from 2007-2011 I caught him more times than I can count. In addition, I caught him emailing exes telling them he was thinking of them or that he would be in their town and found out he had talked to an ex on the phone frequently when I was pregnant with my second. Again, when I confronted him he said he could talk to anyone he wanted and if I wasn't insecure then he wouldn't have to hide it from me. He just kept saying he wasn't doing anything wrong. I also wasn't allowed to have access to any of his email accounts or his phone or he bank account. By the time my second baby was 1, in 2 010, the verbal abuse was out of control. In addition to this, he had little interest in spending time with me or the kids and I wasn't allowed to do anything without the kids (I am still not). I begged him to go to counseling and he finally agreed in late 2010, but after he went twice, he said it was pointless.
By fall of 2011, I was just empty. I was numb and didn't want to be with him anymore. I felt like nothing was ever going to change and he was going to continue to talk to other women, call me insecure, and verbally berate me constantly...and he didn't see any problem with it. Around this same time a dad of one of my oldest's teammates started talking to me about how he noticed that my husband treated me terribly and he just didn't understand how he din't realize how lucky he was. We developed a friendship, and then, eventually a relationship. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but it felt so good to have someone who told me I was beautiful all the time (my husband never wanted to have sex, maybe once every 3 months throughout our entire relationship), and enjoy talking to me. My confidence grew and, though I didn't want to leave my husband for this man, it did give me the courage to tell my husband I wanted out. However, when he noticed me pulling away, he started gr oveling. He told me he was sorry, cried all the time, begged me to stay, etc. I wasn't fazed, I was numb. A month into my affair, my husband found out about it and at that point, shifted. He was furious. However, after making me do various things to prove to him how much I loved him and how sorry I was (like writing a letter detailing my affair and reading it aloud to his siblings and cutting out any friend that I had told about the affair or that didn't think highly of my husband), he decided we would stay together and go to counseling. I also found out I was pregnant with my 3rd at this time. Throughout counseling he kept saying he was happier than ever, but wouldn't fully commit to saying he forgave me until we had a paternity test on the baby (I knew it was his, but I could understand his concern). He also apologized for not being there for me throughout the marriage, admitted that he had never wanted to be married and kept women on the backburner all the time, a nd for how nasty and mean he had been to me. However, he said that regardless of what he had done, my affair was far worse.
Even still, our marriage was the best it has ever been for the 2 years following the affair. Therapy was amazing, we talked about things we had never talked about before. I found out he had previously slept with over 100 women and had always seen me in more of a "pure" light, which was why he never wanted to be intimate with me. It felt great to have everything out in the open.
But, in fall of 2013 the verbal abuse started to return full force. It's now worse than ever. He tells me all the time that I am stupid, an idiot, dumb, lazy, bad mom, etc. A couple of examples: Our boys' cheap dresser fell apart recently and he said it was my fault and I broke it. Then, a 50 year old electric heater that is built in to our bathroom wall stopped working when I was in the shower and he told me it was my fault. He said "leave it to you to break something. No surprise it burned out while you were in there and not me....I'm sure you did something to cause it, just like you did with the drawers." I told him to stop making assumptions and he screamed in my face to "shut your yapping little chihuahua mouth, you stupid dork" or he would make sure to scream loud enough to wake the kids. Also, a few days ago, one of our kids spilled a drink that was on the end table. My husband had just gotten home from a card game and I was in the bathroom when it happened. He came barging in yelling at me about how I caused the spill bc I allowed them to put a drink on the end table. If I can't control spilled drinks in my own home with only 3 kids, I was going to suck as a teacher (I am going to school to teach and am almost finished), that I wasted all this time going to school when I am not going to be able to find a job bc I suck and he is 50 times the teacher I will ever be (he subs full-time, but is nowhere near getting his degree).
Those are just a couple of small examples. Even worse, he is treating my oldest the same way. I also found out recently that he had never stopped talking to other women (he says he has now, but I found emails from August 2014 with nude pics), even when he was telling me how sorry he was and that it was wrong. When I told him how much this hurt me, he said that I needed to understand that he felt the need to talk to someone bc of my affair. He also still throws the affair in my face. He says I'm shady and not trustworthy and if we see the other man at the ballpark, he was start taunting me asking me if it brought back good memories and describe in detail things he knew happened (bc he made me tell him as part of me proving how sorry I was) and ask me if I was thinking of those things. Then he will say I just ruined his whole day bc I'm a disgusting person (mind you, I haven't talked to this man in 3.5 years).
I could really go on all day here. He refuses to ever go to counseling again He says that he is not verbally abusive, just "truthful" and that my son and are just whiny, sensitive, babies. He even tells me things like "the bible says that you are supposed to tell people when they're being stupid." He tells everyone that he is only with me bc of the kids.
We recently had a talk and he admitted that he thinks it was a mistake that we ever got married. He still didn't want to be married and wasn't happy and would never be happy. However, he wants to stay married for the kids. I asked him if he would be willing to go back to counseling with me to at least make the best of it if that's what he wants and he said "no, I don't see why it would help. I'm over trying to fix things. I'm good with just being miserable and stuck with you until the kids are grown and by then we will probably be too old to care."
The thing is, I don't want this. He says that if we divorce it will be far worse for the kids than us fighting and very selfish of us. He says it is up to me if I want to leave, but that if I choose to be selfish it proves I don't care about the kids' feelings and he will make the divorce ugly.
I can't help but feel like I want to know what it's like to be with someone who really wants to be with me. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful and attractive and won't tell me to shut up when they don't feel like listening to me talk or tell me that I'm stupid every day. Someone who would be supportive of me and my goals and not constantly try to crush them. Oh, and if he didn't gawk at a rave over attractive women all the time, that would be nice too (he has said he thinks he is more attractive than me bc he modeled in NYC for awhile. He has told me he feels he kind if settled looks-wise He thinks I'm pretty, and would be the better looking spouse in 99% of relationships, but I chose the 1% that happened to be more attractive).
If that is not realistic, then at the very least, I would like to NOT be with someone who treats me the way he does. But, I do feel selfish and that it would damage my boys more than anything. I'm just so unhappy and so torn...
Things have really been pretty unhealthy from early on, but I was too young and naive to see the signs at first. We fell in love quickly (he said "I love you" on the 3rd date) and talked about marriage from the get-go. However, when we had been together almost 2 years, he told me he wasn't sure that he ever wanted to be married, but did want to stay with me. I told him that I did want to be married, so if that wasn't something he wanted, I should move on. He then said that he "guessed" we could get married. That right there should have been a big red flag..but instead, I was thrilled and ready to plan my wedding. Which, btw, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about bc he spent his savings trying to save his dog who had bone cancer, so he couldn't get a ring right away. I had to agree to not tell anyone and quietly plan alone until he got the ring. Which, I did. I dressed shopped, cake tasted, everything, alone....and when it came time to finally get the ring (3 months b efore our set wedding date), I shopped for that alone as well. During our "engagement" period is when he also started to become very verbal abusive as well. I can remember the first time he lashed out at me vividly. He was playing online poker and I happened to chime in about whether or not I would fold or bet. I think I said I would bet and he did just that and lost the hand. At which point he turned around and shouted "Just shut up! You made me lose that hand! If I need your input, I will ask you. For now just shut up!" I cried and he apologized and I chalked it up to him being stressed out.
Right after our one year wedding anniversary I ended up finding screenshots on our computer of webcam sex chats he had been having with women. I had found the same once before, when we were dating and he had promised to never do it again. This time, he said it wasn't a big deal and I only had a problem because I was insecure, but that if I cared that much, he wouldn't do it again. Well, from 2007-2011 I caught him more times than I can count. In addition, I caught him emailing exes telling them he was thinking of them or that he would be in their town and found out he had talked to an ex on the phone frequently when I was pregnant with my second. Again, when I confronted him he said he could talk to anyone he wanted and if I wasn't insecure then he wouldn't have to hide it from me. He just kept saying he wasn't doing anything wrong. I also wasn't allowed to have access to any of his email accounts or his phone or he bank account. By the time my second baby was 1, in 2 010, the verbal abuse was out of control. In addition to this, he had little interest in spending time with me or the kids and I wasn't allowed to do anything without the kids (I am still not). I begged him to go to counseling and he finally agreed in late 2010, but after he went twice, he said it was pointless.
By fall of 2011, I was just empty. I was numb and didn't want to be with him anymore. I felt like nothing was ever going to change and he was going to continue to talk to other women, call me insecure, and verbally berate me constantly...and he didn't see any problem with it. Around this same time a dad of one of my oldest's teammates started talking to me about how he noticed that my husband treated me terribly and he just didn't understand how he din't realize how lucky he was. We developed a friendship, and then, eventually a relationship. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but it felt so good to have someone who told me I was beautiful all the time (my husband never wanted to have sex, maybe once every 3 months throughout our entire relationship), and enjoy talking to me. My confidence grew and, though I didn't want to leave my husband for this man, it did give me the courage to tell my husband I wanted out. However, when he noticed me pulling away, he started gr oveling. He told me he was sorry, cried all the time, begged me to stay, etc. I wasn't fazed, I was numb. A month into my affair, my husband found out about it and at that point, shifted. He was furious. However, after making me do various things to prove to him how much I loved him and how sorry I was (like writing a letter detailing my affair and reading it aloud to his siblings and cutting out any friend that I had told about the affair or that didn't think highly of my husband), he decided we would stay together and go to counseling. I also found out I was pregnant with my 3rd at this time. Throughout counseling he kept saying he was happier than ever, but wouldn't fully commit to saying he forgave me until we had a paternity test on the baby (I knew it was his, but I could understand his concern). He also apologized for not being there for me throughout the marriage, admitted that he had never wanted to be married and kept women on the backburner all the time, a nd for how nasty and mean he had been to me. However, he said that regardless of what he had done, my affair was far worse.
Even still, our marriage was the best it has ever been for the 2 years following the affair. Therapy was amazing, we talked about things we had never talked about before. I found out he had previously slept with over 100 women and had always seen me in more of a "pure" light, which was why he never wanted to be intimate with me. It felt great to have everything out in the open.
But, in fall of 2013 the verbal abuse started to return full force. It's now worse than ever. He tells me all the time that I am stupid, an idiot, dumb, lazy, bad mom, etc. A couple of examples: Our boys' cheap dresser fell apart recently and he said it was my fault and I broke it. Then, a 50 year old electric heater that is built in to our bathroom wall stopped working when I was in the shower and he told me it was my fault. He said "leave it to you to break something. No surprise it burned out while you were in there and not me....I'm sure you did something to cause it, just like you did with the drawers." I told him to stop making assumptions and he screamed in my face to "shut your yapping little chihuahua mouth, you stupid dork" or he would make sure to scream loud enough to wake the kids. Also, a few days ago, one of our kids spilled a drink that was on the end table. My husband had just gotten home from a card game and I was in the bathroom when it happened. He came barging in yelling at me about how I caused the spill bc I allowed them to put a drink on the end table. If I can't control spilled drinks in my own home with only 3 kids, I was going to suck as a teacher (I am going to school to teach and am almost finished), that I wasted all this time going to school when I am not going to be able to find a job bc I suck and he is 50 times the teacher I will ever be (he subs full-time, but is nowhere near getting his degree).
Those are just a couple of small examples. Even worse, he is treating my oldest the same way. I also found out recently that he had never stopped talking to other women (he says he has now, but I found emails from August 2014 with nude pics), even when he was telling me how sorry he was and that it was wrong. When I told him how much this hurt me, he said that I needed to understand that he felt the need to talk to someone bc of my affair. He also still throws the affair in my face. He says I'm shady and not trustworthy and if we see the other man at the ballpark, he was start taunting me asking me if it brought back good memories and describe in detail things he knew happened (bc he made me tell him as part of me proving how sorry I was) and ask me if I was thinking of those things. Then he will say I just ruined his whole day bc I'm a disgusting person (mind you, I haven't talked to this man in 3.5 years).
I could really go on all day here. He refuses to ever go to counseling again He says that he is not verbally abusive, just "truthful" and that my son and are just whiny, sensitive, babies. He even tells me things like "the bible says that you are supposed to tell people when they're being stupid." He tells everyone that he is only with me bc of the kids.
We recently had a talk and he admitted that he thinks it was a mistake that we ever got married. He still didn't want to be married and wasn't happy and would never be happy. However, he wants to stay married for the kids. I asked him if he would be willing to go back to counseling with me to at least make the best of it if that's what he wants and he said "no, I don't see why it would help. I'm over trying to fix things. I'm good with just being miserable and stuck with you until the kids are grown and by then we will probably be too old to care."
The thing is, I don't want this. He says that if we divorce it will be far worse for the kids than us fighting and very selfish of us. He says it is up to me if I want to leave, but that if I choose to be selfish it proves I don't care about the kids' feelings and he will make the divorce ugly.
I can't help but feel like I want to know what it's like to be with someone who really wants to be with me. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful and attractive and won't tell me to shut up when they don't feel like listening to me talk or tell me that I'm stupid every day. Someone who would be supportive of me and my goals and not constantly try to crush them. Oh, and if he didn't gawk at a rave over attractive women all the time, that would be nice too (he has said he thinks he is more attractive than me bc he modeled in NYC for awhile. He has told me he feels he kind if settled looks-wise He thinks I'm pretty, and would be the better looking spouse in 99% of relationships, but I chose the 1% that happened to be more attractive).
If that is not realistic, then at the very least, I would like to NOT be with someone who treats me the way he does. But, I do feel selfish and that it would damage my boys more than anything. I'm just so unhappy and so torn...
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment