I just finished a very difficult marriage counseling session and am looking for some help on a place where my wife and I are very stuck. We have perspectives where we really dig in our heels, because, as our counselor pointed out, a lot of what we're talking about is our different identities and what's important to them.
My wife and I both work and have two kids. My wife is a career woman who wants to climb the ladder to the top. She's a hard-worker and effective, she's good at her job and she gets a lot of her identity through her job. She really values making a difference at her job, being recognized for her success, and being involved at her work.
I have my own small business. My career is not very important to me, but I am good at it, I make a good living, and it's fairly low-stress, which is what I want. I value free time and fun.
Five years ago my wife took a job that had a big impact on our lives. Financially it was very good: she made more money (she makes more than me) and got good benefits. Emotionally, it was bad: she worked 10-12 hours days, was gone a lot, was really stressed out.
We have very different ideas of how she took the job. I feel that she didn't include me in the decision and just took the job without involving me or getting me on board. She feels like she did discuss it with me and I refused to be supportive and resented the job that meant so much to her.
She would like me to be more supportive and for her career goals to mean more to me and I would like her to turn off her work when she comes home and relax, have some fun and enjoy life.
After today's talk, when we both expressed these things, I thought that this is a clash of different views of how we ought to live. It's a huge sticking point and I'm not sure how to get through it. I do not want to have a marriage to somebody who is absent so much or who is so stressed out that they are usually in a bad mood. But she does not want to give up the career that means so much to her. And frankly, I don't want her to give up her career if it's her identity, but our home life is so tense and unhappy and inflexible.
I'm sure we are having a common problem, although I think it's usually the man chasing his career and his wife who is saying, slow down and smell the roses.
So, I would love to hear how people manage to juggle these opposing forces. What do you do to get support from the non-career person, and what do you do to get pleasure living with a workaholic?
My wife and I both work and have two kids. My wife is a career woman who wants to climb the ladder to the top. She's a hard-worker and effective, she's good at her job and she gets a lot of her identity through her job. She really values making a difference at her job, being recognized for her success, and being involved at her work.
I have my own small business. My career is not very important to me, but I am good at it, I make a good living, and it's fairly low-stress, which is what I want. I value free time and fun.
Five years ago my wife took a job that had a big impact on our lives. Financially it was very good: she made more money (she makes more than me) and got good benefits. Emotionally, it was bad: she worked 10-12 hours days, was gone a lot, was really stressed out.
We have very different ideas of how she took the job. I feel that she didn't include me in the decision and just took the job without involving me or getting me on board. She feels like she did discuss it with me and I refused to be supportive and resented the job that meant so much to her.
She would like me to be more supportive and for her career goals to mean more to me and I would like her to turn off her work when she comes home and relax, have some fun and enjoy life.
After today's talk, when we both expressed these things, I thought that this is a clash of different views of how we ought to live. It's a huge sticking point and I'm not sure how to get through it. I do not want to have a marriage to somebody who is absent so much or who is so stressed out that they are usually in a bad mood. But she does not want to give up the career that means so much to her. And frankly, I don't want her to give up her career if it's her identity, but our home life is so tense and unhappy and inflexible.
I'm sure we are having a common problem, although I think it's usually the man chasing his career and his wife who is saying, slow down and smell the roses.
So, I would love to hear how people manage to juggle these opposing forces. What do you do to get support from the non-career person, and what do you do to get pleasure living with a workaholic?
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