I have never been the most confident person and my wife of 8 years is so beautiful. I consider myself extremely lucky to be married to her. However, these last 4 years have become more and more difficult.
I will put my hands up and admit I have been an idiot at times. From telling white lies about not smoking and to lying about money.
However, money has recently become the elephant in the room. When we first met I was working as support staff in a school and my earnings were very low. However, she did her teacher training and we lived in a box room for a year and we survived. My wife has since said that this was her happiest time.
After her training and her getting a job we moved to a slightly bigger place and we decided to start a family. Within a couple of years we had our first son and we moved again to a house this time and we had our second son not long after.
In this time I also moved into teaching and I qualified and we moved into our current house. It's not the tidiest but it does the job.
In this time, she has become more and more material in her outlook. She insists we are struggling financially and bandies phrases like being poor and living in poverty around. As someone who has known poverty when I was a carer it annoys me she doesn't understand the true meanings of what she is saying. She says we don't have enough money for her to buy the clothes she wants or go on holiday. A 'nice' holiday with a beach. Every time she says this I feel under pressure (which she agrees she wants me to feel) and that I can't provide for the family. I feel that this is a criticism of me as a husband and it is designed to cut me to the quick as a man. Are we poor? I don't know. I don't think so. We have a 3 bedroomed house and 2 cars. We can't go out every night or buy a £60 coat without thinking about the cost but our boys are in a couple of clubs which of course cost money. Are we rich, no we are not but we don't starve either.
My wife also says I am self-absorbed as I don't want to spend time with her and she is some of the time correct. After work I do want some wind down time just for me but I know that if I talk to her she will be asking me when am I getting promoted so we can have more money or something she feels I have done wrong.
I will admit that I do get defensive and protective and in arguments I am really stubborn. However, I have also apologised even when I felt she was in the wrong. I know this is rug sweeping and I am guilty of that.
I will also admit to bad judgement. I have gone and got really drunk which has upset my wife, so I don't go out any-more. I have lied on numerous occasions in an attempt to cover my bad judgement or my embarrassment. I have taken pay day loans and credit cards without her knowledge and tried to cover them up. I also know at this time I was in a spiral where I was addicted to debt and I am happy to say that over the last year I have not taken out a single pay-day loan, loan or credit card. My spending was over the top and this last year I have cut my cloth accordingly.
However, a lot of our problems I feel pre-date this, and not to justify my actions my spending behaviour was reflecting the fiscal pressure my wife was putting on me.
She has made it very clear that if it was not for the children she would have left me by now. She is not happy, doesn't trust me, constantly tired, has no money, feels fat. She also has no respect for me and I feel belittle or trivialise any achievements I manage. For example, I was offered a very well paid job before my current one, overseas and her response was - 'well I expect they will take anyone they are so desperate.' When I have suggested I apply for a new job she has laughed at me and said I won't get it.
With my wife right now it is all or nothing. When we are happy, whether its as a family or as a couple everything feels right, but when we have an argument it is back to I am going to leave you mode. We are in that place now, and to be honest I am not sure how we got there.
She has wealthy friends and this is the yardstick she holds herself up to and she has become more jealous of her friends wealth over the years.
My position is difficult. I love her with all my heart and I don't want to lose her but I also feel she has changed. She says I have changed, or as she would say reverted back to who I was, and maybe I have I have done some soul searching and I probably have become more introverted then before but she has become jealous, consumed with avarice and petty in her outlook. Money is important to me but my world does not revolve around it but for my wife right now it all she thinks about.
Any advice would be great
I will put my hands up and admit I have been an idiot at times. From telling white lies about not smoking and to lying about money.
However, money has recently become the elephant in the room. When we first met I was working as support staff in a school and my earnings were very low. However, she did her teacher training and we lived in a box room for a year and we survived. My wife has since said that this was her happiest time.
After her training and her getting a job we moved to a slightly bigger place and we decided to start a family. Within a couple of years we had our first son and we moved again to a house this time and we had our second son not long after.
In this time I also moved into teaching and I qualified and we moved into our current house. It's not the tidiest but it does the job.
In this time, she has become more and more material in her outlook. She insists we are struggling financially and bandies phrases like being poor and living in poverty around. As someone who has known poverty when I was a carer it annoys me she doesn't understand the true meanings of what she is saying. She says we don't have enough money for her to buy the clothes she wants or go on holiday. A 'nice' holiday with a beach. Every time she says this I feel under pressure (which she agrees she wants me to feel) and that I can't provide for the family. I feel that this is a criticism of me as a husband and it is designed to cut me to the quick as a man. Are we poor? I don't know. I don't think so. We have a 3 bedroomed house and 2 cars. We can't go out every night or buy a £60 coat without thinking about the cost but our boys are in a couple of clubs which of course cost money. Are we rich, no we are not but we don't starve either.
My wife also says I am self-absorbed as I don't want to spend time with her and she is some of the time correct. After work I do want some wind down time just for me but I know that if I talk to her she will be asking me when am I getting promoted so we can have more money or something she feels I have done wrong.
I will admit that I do get defensive and protective and in arguments I am really stubborn. However, I have also apologised even when I felt she was in the wrong. I know this is rug sweeping and I am guilty of that.
I will also admit to bad judgement. I have gone and got really drunk which has upset my wife, so I don't go out any-more. I have lied on numerous occasions in an attempt to cover my bad judgement or my embarrassment. I have taken pay day loans and credit cards without her knowledge and tried to cover them up. I also know at this time I was in a spiral where I was addicted to debt and I am happy to say that over the last year I have not taken out a single pay-day loan, loan or credit card. My spending was over the top and this last year I have cut my cloth accordingly.
However, a lot of our problems I feel pre-date this, and not to justify my actions my spending behaviour was reflecting the fiscal pressure my wife was putting on me.
She has made it very clear that if it was not for the children she would have left me by now. She is not happy, doesn't trust me, constantly tired, has no money, feels fat. She also has no respect for me and I feel belittle or trivialise any achievements I manage. For example, I was offered a very well paid job before my current one, overseas and her response was - 'well I expect they will take anyone they are so desperate.' When I have suggested I apply for a new job she has laughed at me and said I won't get it.
With my wife right now it is all or nothing. When we are happy, whether its as a family or as a couple everything feels right, but when we have an argument it is back to I am going to leave you mode. We are in that place now, and to be honest I am not sure how we got there.
She has wealthy friends and this is the yardstick she holds herself up to and she has become more jealous of her friends wealth over the years.
My position is difficult. I love her with all my heart and I don't want to lose her but I also feel she has changed. She says I have changed, or as she would say reverted back to who I was, and maybe I have I have done some soul searching and I probably have become more introverted then before but she has become jealous, consumed with avarice and petty in her outlook. Money is important to me but my world does not revolve around it but for my wife right now it all she thinks about.
Any advice would be great
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