After 15 years of marriage and two children, I am placed in an unfamiliar position of being faced with the distinct possibility of divorce. We have been separated for about 2 months, with the initial declaration by her was for me to receive professional help for PTSD and dealing with numerous surgeries. the initial time frame for the separation was 6 months - her decision. After three weeks, she states that she has divorce papers, and that she is filing for divorce. I agree with her decision, although I desperately do not desire a divorce. She has not apparently filed for divorce, nor has an attorney been hired to the best of my knowledge - which means nothing, she could have done those very things. No papers have been filed with the Alachua County Court House, and up to today, and I have and deep rooted hope of reconciliation. She has continued to wear her wedding rings, and has become a person she is comfortable with absent of my presence in her life. Today at church, which is where I bring the children after our weekends together, she appeared in a completely different state. New hair style, no rings, and she appeared as if she had been crying. She mentioned that she spent the evening at her girlfriends house - coworker at local elementary school. Granted she could of had an evening of girl stuff - hair and nails - all the while simply enjoying another evening (weekend) without the children and me - or other scenarios could play out... regardless of events individual(s) that were with her, she appeared completely different. Up to today, I have had the hope of reconciliation because there has not been any divorce papers provided to me, or submitted to the county. In the absence of paperwork, I rationalized the possibility that she needed time away from me - a vet with PTSD and surgical issues that isolated himself when things became emotionally and physically difficult. I also rationalized that she may not h ave wanted a divorce because she still wants her family intact, but she simply needs time to herself.
I am actively seeking counseling for PTSD and other issues that she sees a need for, I am continuing to write her a letter once a week or so, to intimate to her my thoughts and challenges that I have discovered through counseling. I am taking the advice of friends and professionals and this personal road of self discovery is humbling. Yet, it does not appear to be what she would deem necessary. Over the years, honest communication is absent, so insight into desires and thoughts are purely speculative.
I have forgiven her for past emotional attachments to other men, and any the possibility of any current relationships with anyone is between her and God. I have forgiven her, I have learned to forgive myself... but I am tired, but I have learned to just let go of everything that I held onto that fueled a growing discontent and lack of trust. I have learned to let go of those negative feelings. I am tired of hoping for reconciliation, hoping for any display of forgiveness and understanding the necessity of communication. I simply want to give up everything... everything. But I still love her, not just because of the children, but because of who she is. I will not file for divorce because I do not desire to be divorced. I am willing to fight and do whatever it takes to right the wrongs. But I am tired.
I know that I have babbled, but if there is someone who can provide insight I would greatly appreciate it. I am not too proud to hear the truth, and I am not to proud to do what is necessary for the sake of my family. If my family simply does not exist anymore, than so be it. I will learn to accept it.
I am actively seeking counseling for PTSD and other issues that she sees a need for, I am continuing to write her a letter once a week or so, to intimate to her my thoughts and challenges that I have discovered through counseling. I am taking the advice of friends and professionals and this personal road of self discovery is humbling. Yet, it does not appear to be what she would deem necessary. Over the years, honest communication is absent, so insight into desires and thoughts are purely speculative.
I have forgiven her for past emotional attachments to other men, and any the possibility of any current relationships with anyone is between her and God. I have forgiven her, I have learned to forgive myself... but I am tired, but I have learned to just let go of everything that I held onto that fueled a growing discontent and lack of trust. I have learned to let go of those negative feelings. I am tired of hoping for reconciliation, hoping for any display of forgiveness and understanding the necessity of communication. I simply want to give up everything... everything. But I still love her, not just because of the children, but because of who she is. I will not file for divorce because I do not desire to be divorced. I am willing to fight and do whatever it takes to right the wrongs. But I am tired.
I know that I have babbled, but if there is someone who can provide insight I would greatly appreciate it. I am not too proud to hear the truth, and I am not to proud to do what is necessary for the sake of my family. If my family simply does not exist anymore, than so be it. I will learn to accept it.
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