I am pretty numb at the moment coming off several days of conflict that ended in me kicking out my H for the third time since DDay in 2012. By now the affair almost takes on a total backseat to the rest of the relationship problems, yet the fear of him not wanting to be here and forcing himself will surface at times. He always had an anger problem from the day we met seven years ago, but because my self doubt was still so strong at the time it was easy to convince me I was "seeing" things. Well, after seven years of gaslighting, emotional abuse, physical abuse that was never reported and an affair in 2012, I furthered my original abuse recovery by educating myself on how to no longer accept this treatment in my life, AND overcome my self doubt. That what I was seeing WAS accurate, to call it for what it was and declare what I would no longer allow in my space.
After he was put out in February of this year he became willing to put in work to change his behavior. We had heavy support from then until August. In August I needed a break because I was exhausted. So we took a break and for the most part managed to navigate with one small tif and one larger one in August, but there is an uptick in frequency this month and last week I had been sensing things were "off" so I asked him if he was struggling with anything (related to me or not) and he said he was ok, nothing wrong and not mad at me. Then he asked what gave me that impression and when I explained that some were just a look here and there over a few days and then one night we were watching a show and he stayed in his phone the whole time, then the next night he just disappeared to the bedroom for a long time without saying anything to me which is not his norm. And then the next day we had free tickets to a football game at my alma mater and he first said it sounded like fun , but then turned around and started backing out with no apparent reason, so it was then after several days of observing and wondering what was up that I finally asked him if things were ok, so when I started answering his questions he started yelling at me that I was accusing him of hiding or lying, when I didn't. And what I was doing was letting him know my thoughts were not based on just the two nights he withdrew, but on watching him for several days, so I was still struggling with what I saw versus where he said he was emotionally as being incongruent. But he took it as accusing him, even after I said its my sight and my hurt, I can only be honest, then allow him to speak to it.
So I shifted gears and asked him "why" he stayed in the room while staying in the phone, was it because he wanted to be close to me but not interested in the show or was it because he was afraid of upsetting me. He wouldn't answer my why with his why, but with "what" he chose. I kept being very clear that I was asking a why and he was dodging it by answering with a what or answering by asking me a question in return or turning it back on me. Finally I told him, when you dodge, evade, redirect, it indicates to me there could be something being hidden or lied about. His response "you are assuming a negative". My response "how do I assume a positive from those behaviors."
Here is the kicker and why I began considering kicking him out. The next morning I was going to let it go, just like I had the day before when I just owned my eyes and feelings, but he pressed on anyway. So again Friday morning I have it in my heart to move on when He asked me if I was upset still. I told him I was not happy with yesterday when he yelled at me in front of our son. And here came some old behavior ... He started trying to force me to agree he had answered my why question. It was like he was saying I know you asked for milk, but this orange juice is the same thing when its not you MUST accept this orange juice as milk, well I can't do that. He knows I'm a literalist and when I ask a why question I anticipate a why answer. There is nothing abnormal about that, but he tries to make it out to be abnormal.
So as things heated up by him that morning, I stayed calm, but clearly stated my truth about what happened. He finally shot up off the couch and yelled, I guess I'm just a crappy person, which I NEVER stated, and he went on to say I guess we can just divorce, I think I will just "off" myself on the way to work, all while my five year old is sitting beside me, I called him on it, told him it was unacceptable and to never do that again. He just continued to rant, while I kept my composure, finally he struck a nerve and I blew my sh!t. I told him he was the most ungrateful person, after what he put me through since dday in 2012, for him to behave this way AGAIN just shows me how ungrateful he is I'm even still here when EVERYONE told me I should leave him. Then I left him alone and he left. We go to work.
Late in the day he sends me an apology that isn't even related to this issues that concerned me. I told him we are just going to have to put this on hold for now, we are not singing from the same songbook. So we did and managed to enjoy Friday night and yesterday, but come this morning things were feeling very unresolved for me and I knew I was facing the same behavior of extreme emotional blackmail both this time with this suicide threat and the last time he used it as manipulation and he needed to understand the gravity of that choice. There is a smaller side issue that I'm not even going to share here because it is just too embarrassing that he does and when he asked if I was upset, I was honest. i am not someone who can hide emotions. I said I am taking it to the Lord, but I will be honest what I'm struggling with it. It upset him and I KNEW he was going to turn it around on me, but by now we were at church and I began to break down and could not stop crying anticip ating the abuse that was coming, so I excused myself.
He and I ended up in my truck talking and sure enough, even after expressing my fear that he was going to turn my reasonable request around on me, he did it anyway.... And then blew up at me that I am concerned about regression. After his blow up I told him I wanted him out, that I was not putting up with this. Regression is not an option for us because I refuse to ask my child to grow up in that environment. I asked him to go to a hotel for the next few days. I don't know whats going to happen from here. I chose this reconciliation for some very specific reasons and because he was willing to heavy lift and DID in spades for seven months, I've got no answers at the moment. I DO know I saw God's hand early on when the church got involved with him. If he walks he has abandoned that work. The very work that WAS keeping his family together.
After he was put out in February of this year he became willing to put in work to change his behavior. We had heavy support from then until August. In August I needed a break because I was exhausted. So we took a break and for the most part managed to navigate with one small tif and one larger one in August, but there is an uptick in frequency this month and last week I had been sensing things were "off" so I asked him if he was struggling with anything (related to me or not) and he said he was ok, nothing wrong and not mad at me. Then he asked what gave me that impression and when I explained that some were just a look here and there over a few days and then one night we were watching a show and he stayed in his phone the whole time, then the next night he just disappeared to the bedroom for a long time without saying anything to me which is not his norm. And then the next day we had free tickets to a football game at my alma mater and he first said it sounded like fun , but then turned around and started backing out with no apparent reason, so it was then after several days of observing and wondering what was up that I finally asked him if things were ok, so when I started answering his questions he started yelling at me that I was accusing him of hiding or lying, when I didn't. And what I was doing was letting him know my thoughts were not based on just the two nights he withdrew, but on watching him for several days, so I was still struggling with what I saw versus where he said he was emotionally as being incongruent. But he took it as accusing him, even after I said its my sight and my hurt, I can only be honest, then allow him to speak to it.
So I shifted gears and asked him "why" he stayed in the room while staying in the phone, was it because he wanted to be close to me but not interested in the show or was it because he was afraid of upsetting me. He wouldn't answer my why with his why, but with "what" he chose. I kept being very clear that I was asking a why and he was dodging it by answering with a what or answering by asking me a question in return or turning it back on me. Finally I told him, when you dodge, evade, redirect, it indicates to me there could be something being hidden or lied about. His response "you are assuming a negative". My response "how do I assume a positive from those behaviors."
Here is the kicker and why I began considering kicking him out. The next morning I was going to let it go, just like I had the day before when I just owned my eyes and feelings, but he pressed on anyway. So again Friday morning I have it in my heart to move on when He asked me if I was upset still. I told him I was not happy with yesterday when he yelled at me in front of our son. And here came some old behavior ... He started trying to force me to agree he had answered my why question. It was like he was saying I know you asked for milk, but this orange juice is the same thing when its not you MUST accept this orange juice as milk, well I can't do that. He knows I'm a literalist and when I ask a why question I anticipate a why answer. There is nothing abnormal about that, but he tries to make it out to be abnormal.
So as things heated up by him that morning, I stayed calm, but clearly stated my truth about what happened. He finally shot up off the couch and yelled, I guess I'm just a crappy person, which I NEVER stated, and he went on to say I guess we can just divorce, I think I will just "off" myself on the way to work, all while my five year old is sitting beside me, I called him on it, told him it was unacceptable and to never do that again. He just continued to rant, while I kept my composure, finally he struck a nerve and I blew my sh!t. I told him he was the most ungrateful person, after what he put me through since dday in 2012, for him to behave this way AGAIN just shows me how ungrateful he is I'm even still here when EVERYONE told me I should leave him. Then I left him alone and he left. We go to work.
Late in the day he sends me an apology that isn't even related to this issues that concerned me. I told him we are just going to have to put this on hold for now, we are not singing from the same songbook. So we did and managed to enjoy Friday night and yesterday, but come this morning things were feeling very unresolved for me and I knew I was facing the same behavior of extreme emotional blackmail both this time with this suicide threat and the last time he used it as manipulation and he needed to understand the gravity of that choice. There is a smaller side issue that I'm not even going to share here because it is just too embarrassing that he does and when he asked if I was upset, I was honest. i am not someone who can hide emotions. I said I am taking it to the Lord, but I will be honest what I'm struggling with it. It upset him and I KNEW he was going to turn it around on me, but by now we were at church and I began to break down and could not stop crying anticip ating the abuse that was coming, so I excused myself.
He and I ended up in my truck talking and sure enough, even after expressing my fear that he was going to turn my reasonable request around on me, he did it anyway.... And then blew up at me that I am concerned about regression. After his blow up I told him I wanted him out, that I was not putting up with this. Regression is not an option for us because I refuse to ask my child to grow up in that environment. I asked him to go to a hotel for the next few days. I don't know whats going to happen from here. I chose this reconciliation for some very specific reasons and because he was willing to heavy lift and DID in spades for seven months, I've got no answers at the moment. I DO know I saw God's hand early on when the church got involved with him. If he walks he has abandoned that work. The very work that WAS keeping his family together.
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