For anyone that cares to read this, thank you. I am 42 years old and am in the process of getting divorced. I have two boys, 11 and 8. I initiated both the separation and the divorce, which is really quite usual for me since I don't think I've ever been the one to break up with my S.O. before. It's a long story. The short version goes something like this: I was raised by parents who spent my entire childhood convincing me that I wasn't very important. For most of my life I have had a pretty immature view of the world because of this, and I'm ok with admitting that, and working on things in therapy.
I met my wife through her on line ad about 16 years ago, and we hit it off. We got married, and life was good at first, but once we had our first son and after the second, she really started to drift away from me. We stopped dating, our sex life disappeared, and she seemed to constantly be out with her friends and family without a care in the world about me or our home. But - this all seemed somewhat normal to me somehow, probably from the way I was raised. So I rolled with it. I wish I had been more assertive or more active really, but I was behaving like a child and "disappearing" because I felt her disinterest as a sort of punishment to me.
Years passed to a time where most days I felt banished to my man cave, and I randomly met a woman on line playing a game, we started talking and getting close, and when I realized what was happening, it was like the biggest wake up call in my life. I told my wife about the woman, I asked her to go to therapy and got myself a therapist to help me and us, and I asked if we could work on the marriage. To my surprise, she really didn't seem to care. She told me it was ok for me to spend time with her, even when I told her about my attraction. (!)
That didn't seem right, so I did some digging, and found out she had set up a Match profile, posted on craigslist, and was reading some pretty hardcore porn online written by local men despite our sexless marriage. I asked for explanations, probably very naive of me. They weren't coming. Mercifully for both of us, I moved out a couple years ago when the stonewalling got ridiculous and she refused therapy. Got a place close to home, and really made a point to be active with my boys. (As an aside, I think my relationship with them in stronger now than it was when I was married. I've finally learned to be a father in a way that I'm proud of instead of just being in my ex's shadow.)
I started changing - growing up really - through the years of conversation with my individual counselor. I felt extremely guilty (and still do) about the separation because I tend to blame myself for things and clearly I did not have appropriate boundaries when I talked to the woman on-line. I keep thinking that the divorce is all my fault due to this. The therapist kept pointing out that the love was gone from the marriage for a very long time - if mature love was ever there at all - any maybe I should let go of the guilt and try to see the picture as a whole.
We were separated for nearly two years, and one day about 6 months ago I finally got some courage and broke up with my wife and started the paperwork. It wasn't until a few weeks after that when I realized just how loveless the marriage was. My ex actually seemed relieved and immediately started the search for my replacement. I have gotten closer to the woman on line, we've met a few times, and she is willing to talk about the deeper topics in life that my wife was always completely disinterested in. I've never had a woman in my life that was as emotionally in tune to me as she is.
I still have trouble letting go of the marriage mentally, despite all this. It still feels like I love my ex, even though I don't know why I should love someone that would not work on the marriage with me and quite possibly was cheating on me. It still feels like I ruined the marriage because of the other woman, even though I know that was the wake up call I needed to grow up and manage my life, and the way I handled it could have easily been the spark that saved the marriage. I still wake up every morning and wonder - if I could have just explained things to my STBX in a way she could understand me, I could have saved things. I don't think these are healthy thoughts and I don't know how to get rid of them?
I'm trying to break free and learn what I can from this and become a better man. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated. Thanks.
I met my wife through her on line ad about 16 years ago, and we hit it off. We got married, and life was good at first, but once we had our first son and after the second, she really started to drift away from me. We stopped dating, our sex life disappeared, and she seemed to constantly be out with her friends and family without a care in the world about me or our home. But - this all seemed somewhat normal to me somehow, probably from the way I was raised. So I rolled with it. I wish I had been more assertive or more active really, but I was behaving like a child and "disappearing" because I felt her disinterest as a sort of punishment to me.
Years passed to a time where most days I felt banished to my man cave, and I randomly met a woman on line playing a game, we started talking and getting close, and when I realized what was happening, it was like the biggest wake up call in my life. I told my wife about the woman, I asked her to go to therapy and got myself a therapist to help me and us, and I asked if we could work on the marriage. To my surprise, she really didn't seem to care. She told me it was ok for me to spend time with her, even when I told her about my attraction. (!)
That didn't seem right, so I did some digging, and found out she had set up a Match profile, posted on craigslist, and was reading some pretty hardcore porn online written by local men despite our sexless marriage. I asked for explanations, probably very naive of me. They weren't coming. Mercifully for both of us, I moved out a couple years ago when the stonewalling got ridiculous and she refused therapy. Got a place close to home, and really made a point to be active with my boys. (As an aside, I think my relationship with them in stronger now than it was when I was married. I've finally learned to be a father in a way that I'm proud of instead of just being in my ex's shadow.)
I started changing - growing up really - through the years of conversation with my individual counselor. I felt extremely guilty (and still do) about the separation because I tend to blame myself for things and clearly I did not have appropriate boundaries when I talked to the woman on-line. I keep thinking that the divorce is all my fault due to this. The therapist kept pointing out that the love was gone from the marriage for a very long time - if mature love was ever there at all - any maybe I should let go of the guilt and try to see the picture as a whole.
We were separated for nearly two years, and one day about 6 months ago I finally got some courage and broke up with my wife and started the paperwork. It wasn't until a few weeks after that when I realized just how loveless the marriage was. My ex actually seemed relieved and immediately started the search for my replacement. I have gotten closer to the woman on line, we've met a few times, and she is willing to talk about the deeper topics in life that my wife was always completely disinterested in. I've never had a woman in my life that was as emotionally in tune to me as she is.
I still have trouble letting go of the marriage mentally, despite all this. It still feels like I love my ex, even though I don't know why I should love someone that would not work on the marriage with me and quite possibly was cheating on me. It still feels like I ruined the marriage because of the other woman, even though I know that was the wake up call I needed to grow up and manage my life, and the way I handled it could have easily been the spark that saved the marriage. I still wake up every morning and wonder - if I could have just explained things to my STBX in a way she could understand me, I could have saved things. I don't think these are healthy thoughts and I don't know how to get rid of them?
I'm trying to break free and learn what I can from this and become a better man. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated. Thanks.
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