I discovered that my wife was having an affair about a month ago. I actually accused her of one couple months ago but didn't have proof. She didn't admit to it at that time but looking back I should have know when she told me that "It wasn't her fault that she lost so much weight and I didn't" and she called me a loser and that she would not be putting up with me anymore before stopping off. Yeah, it's easy to see now but I was bind back then. Anyway, I installed some hidden cameras and eventually got proof. She denied it all the way until she figured out I had real evidence. BTW, she did go see a divorce attorney at my request who offered to have me locked up, apparently that is against the law since December. She refused that, good thing as I would have destroyed her once I got out.
Our marriage was never ideal, we tried and failed infertility treatments, maintained separate bedrooms for most of our marriage, rarely had sex until the operation (more on that later), and generally just went our separate ways. There was also resentment on both parts for a number of known and unknown reasons. It was more of a comfortable partnership then a loving marriage. The partnership became much strong when we adopted a little 10 month old girl (now 8 years). She brought us together as we finally had a common goal. I'm sure if we did not adopt her we would have split years ago. As bad as all this sounds it was a working relationship.
Around a year ago, my wife had thyroid surgery to remove a mass. The surgery was successful but it changed her. She lost a tremendous amount of weight in a very short time and became quite amorous with me. I'm not sure if that was a result of the weight loss or new hormones being produced after years of being hampered by the growth. It was fantastic, lots of sex and she started talking to me more. I felt that our marriage was on the right tract and just getting better and better. All of a sudden it stopped, no reason it just stopped. It was hard on me going from 100 to 0 like that. I must admit I did not corner her to get answers on what was going on. I'm not 100% sure of the timing but at some point during this stoppage and before the start of her affair she mentioned that a security guard at my daughters school was hitting on her. I told her that I would not stand for any kind of open marriage and if she pursued it then it would be the end of our marriage.
Well fast forward a few months and she started having an affair with someone else, a faculty member at my daughters school. They met at a camp my daughter went to during the summer. My wife had a picture of him in her office holding my daughter from the camp, I just can't get over that. In addition, during the affair she invited him over to a party at my house and had me chat him up. WTF? I thank god that when she escorted him to his car and disappeared for 20 minutes that I didn't go outside with my daughter to find out where mommy was.
That's the ugliness, now the aftermath. At the second D-day when she realized she couldn't lie her way out of it she finally admitted to it. She didn't want a divorce, not surprising since her partner is also married, several years older and probably just in it to use her. Over the days and weeks she told me just about everything with one or two lies sprinkled in (not believing the no penetration part). I got enough to realize what had gone on. Same old story, I go to work, lover comes over, she spreads her legs and has a great time, I get home from work and get treating like garbage. Repeat.
It took a while to get my daughter into a new school but it finally happened this week. Now it's time to focus on me. I'm done with marriage. She wants to reconcile, making all of the right moves and is probably sincere (like I could tell if she lies or not!). I can't trust her. I've always been a big planner and now realize that I wasted all of that time and energy building a comfy retirement for something that never existed anyway. I want a divorce to put a clean end to that wasted effort. I do want to work on our relationship but I refuse to be her doormat anymore. We are going to our first therapy session this week and I look forward to getting some answers, to find out where it started going bad and why she felt she had to parade her lover in front of me. She doesn't know herself. We have talked about very intimate things for the first time ever and are going though hyperactive bonding. I enjoy the sex and the conversations that don't specifically involve the affair. The pain isn't all that terrible because she completely disengaged from the marriage during the affair and I got use to the idea of her not being around. I must admit that I am interested in this new person who walked out of the ashes of the affair. Just not sure she is genuine or not.
Now here is where I have to question myself. I am done with the marriage but I'm not done with her. I plan on getting a divorce, splitting up property, figuring out the custody arrangement and then just living under the same (my) roof as a loving couple with the understanding that it is a monogamous relationship and any breaking of that rule results in an immediate split. This appeals to me since I no longer have the current embarrassment of call her my wife, anything I put forward to my future is mine and not shared with her, our child still has both parents and the life she is use to, I can work and enjoy our relationship without fear of being played a fool again and risking everything I worked hard on. Those are my terms. I'm willing to go through a regular divorce also and just separate, the pain of that won't last long for me, I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It would be hard a first for my daughter as it would be a complete surprise.
I prefer the first option but am wondering if it has pitfalls I haven't thought of.
Our marriage was never ideal, we tried and failed infertility treatments, maintained separate bedrooms for most of our marriage, rarely had sex until the operation (more on that later), and generally just went our separate ways. There was also resentment on both parts for a number of known and unknown reasons. It was more of a comfortable partnership then a loving marriage. The partnership became much strong when we adopted a little 10 month old girl (now 8 years). She brought us together as we finally had a common goal. I'm sure if we did not adopt her we would have split years ago. As bad as all this sounds it was a working relationship.
Around a year ago, my wife had thyroid surgery to remove a mass. The surgery was successful but it changed her. She lost a tremendous amount of weight in a very short time and became quite amorous with me. I'm not sure if that was a result of the weight loss or new hormones being produced after years of being hampered by the growth. It was fantastic, lots of sex and she started talking to me more. I felt that our marriage was on the right tract and just getting better and better. All of a sudden it stopped, no reason it just stopped. It was hard on me going from 100 to 0 like that. I must admit I did not corner her to get answers on what was going on. I'm not 100% sure of the timing but at some point during this stoppage and before the start of her affair she mentioned that a security guard at my daughters school was hitting on her. I told her that I would not stand for any kind of open marriage and if she pursued it then it would be the end of our marriage.
Well fast forward a few months and she started having an affair with someone else, a faculty member at my daughters school. They met at a camp my daughter went to during the summer. My wife had a picture of him in her office holding my daughter from the camp, I just can't get over that. In addition, during the affair she invited him over to a party at my house and had me chat him up. WTF? I thank god that when she escorted him to his car and disappeared for 20 minutes that I didn't go outside with my daughter to find out where mommy was.
That's the ugliness, now the aftermath. At the second D-day when she realized she couldn't lie her way out of it she finally admitted to it. She didn't want a divorce, not surprising since her partner is also married, several years older and probably just in it to use her. Over the days and weeks she told me just about everything with one or two lies sprinkled in (not believing the no penetration part). I got enough to realize what had gone on. Same old story, I go to work, lover comes over, she spreads her legs and has a great time, I get home from work and get treating like garbage. Repeat.
It took a while to get my daughter into a new school but it finally happened this week. Now it's time to focus on me. I'm done with marriage. She wants to reconcile, making all of the right moves and is probably sincere (like I could tell if she lies or not!). I can't trust her. I've always been a big planner and now realize that I wasted all of that time and energy building a comfy retirement for something that never existed anyway. I want a divorce to put a clean end to that wasted effort. I do want to work on our relationship but I refuse to be her doormat anymore. We are going to our first therapy session this week and I look forward to getting some answers, to find out where it started going bad and why she felt she had to parade her lover in front of me. She doesn't know herself. We have talked about very intimate things for the first time ever and are going though hyperactive bonding. I enjoy the sex and the conversations that don't specifically involve the affair. The pain isn't all that terrible because she completely disengaged from the marriage during the affair and I got use to the idea of her not being around. I must admit that I am interested in this new person who walked out of the ashes of the affair. Just not sure she is genuine or not.
Now here is where I have to question myself. I am done with the marriage but I'm not done with her. I plan on getting a divorce, splitting up property, figuring out the custody arrangement and then just living under the same (my) roof as a loving couple with the understanding that it is a monogamous relationship and any breaking of that rule results in an immediate split. This appeals to me since I no longer have the current embarrassment of call her my wife, anything I put forward to my future is mine and not shared with her, our child still has both parents and the life she is use to, I can work and enjoy our relationship without fear of being played a fool again and risking everything I worked hard on. Those are my terms. I'm willing to go through a regular divorce also and just separate, the pain of that won't last long for me, I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It would be hard a first for my daughter as it would be a complete surprise.
I prefer the first option but am wondering if it has pitfalls I haven't thought of.
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