My wife "Anne" and I have been married for 12 years and have two grade school age boys. I thought our marriage was pretty good.
In early Fall of last year Anne went to her 30th high school reunion out of town and while there reconnected with old friends including an old boyfriend "John" -- the original love of her life.
Over the course of a number of weeks after she got back I started to feel a sense of resentment and coldness towards me. This led to a few fights during which she shocked me by saying "I've never really felt close to you our entire marriage except at the beginning." This led to more heated and sorrowful discussions over a month or so. She said nothing inappropriate happened at the reunion but that the reunion did make her take account of her unhappiness in our marriage. We decided to seek counseling.
In counseling session #5 or so, Anne offered unprompted that she had been contacting her old boyfriend since the reunion. She said it was innocent. John had told her at the reunion that not marrying Anne was the biggest mistake of his life and she acknowledged that she "thought about him every day. " She had told me previously that she had not been in contact with him since the reunion, so the admission in therapy was a way for her to "come clean" so to speak. I hadn't ever known Anne to lie to me directly.
I decided to pull up cell usage records and discovered that she first contacted him on New Year's Day by phone. Then every few weeks or so thereafter she would text. Often they were multimedia texts meaning an image was attached. She was always the initiator.
(Back in the Fall, I had happened upon Anne Googling her maiden name. I didn't think much of it. Thereafter she changed our home answering machine to provide callers with her and mine separate cell phone numbers. I assume now she was hoping/expecting John to look her up and call and when he didn't, she made contact with him.)
I decided to snoop and look at the content of the texts on her phone. She had deleted all of them except for one set from Valentine's Day morning. She had sent an old grade school picture and wished John a Happy Valentine's Day. He responded with Valentine's Day wishes to her and asked where the picture was from. She told him and then referring to the picture stated "You are just so adorable."
Thanks in advance for any advice.
In early Fall of last year Anne went to her 30th high school reunion out of town and while there reconnected with old friends including an old boyfriend "John" -- the original love of her life.
Over the course of a number of weeks after she got back I started to feel a sense of resentment and coldness towards me. This led to a few fights during which she shocked me by saying "I've never really felt close to you our entire marriage except at the beginning." This led to more heated and sorrowful discussions over a month or so. She said nothing inappropriate happened at the reunion but that the reunion did make her take account of her unhappiness in our marriage. We decided to seek counseling.
In counseling session #5 or so, Anne offered unprompted that she had been contacting her old boyfriend since the reunion. She said it was innocent. John had told her at the reunion that not marrying Anne was the biggest mistake of his life and she acknowledged that she "thought about him every day. " She had told me previously that she had not been in contact with him since the reunion, so the admission in therapy was a way for her to "come clean" so to speak. I hadn't ever known Anne to lie to me directly.
I decided to pull up cell usage records and discovered that she first contacted him on New Year's Day by phone. Then every few weeks or so thereafter she would text. Often they were multimedia texts meaning an image was attached. She was always the initiator.
(Back in the Fall, I had happened upon Anne Googling her maiden name. I didn't think much of it. Thereafter she changed our home answering machine to provide callers with her and mine separate cell phone numbers. I assume now she was hoping/expecting John to look her up and call and when he didn't, she made contact with him.)
I decided to snoop and look at the content of the texts on her phone. She had deleted all of them except for one set from Valentine's Day morning. She had sent an old grade school picture and wished John a Happy Valentine's Day. He responded with Valentine's Day wishes to her and asked where the picture was from. She told him and then referring to the picture stated "You are just so adorable."
- Was my snooping of her cell phone justified?
- Does this seem really bad or should one be free to keep in touch with an old intimate friend?
- Would one delete innocent texts? Does a married woman send Valentine greetings to a male friend absent a romantic interest?
- How should I approach talking with her about what I've discovered? Should I wait and do it in counseling?
Thanks in advance for any advice.
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