I was thinking last night - since I joined TAM, on this forum I have always referred to my soon-to-be-ex wife, as, well.... STBXW (zero points for originality).
But what I realised is I began to think of her as "STBXW" in my mind, outside of TAM. After a while, the only time I used her actual name was in conversation with family & friends.
Rather than using her real name when thinking about her, (for the sake of the thread we'll call her Jen) I feel thinking of her as "STBXW" helped me to distinguish between the person I loved (Jen) and the person she is (STBXW). These two people are not the same. "Jen" was idealised in my mind, I held her on a pedestal. In reality, "Jen" never existed, or she did but it was all an act.
Another thing I found that helped, was renaming "Jen" to STBXW in my phone.
When I thought of "Jen" to begin with, I was filled with feelings of love, loss, regret and sadness. Thinking of her as STBXW made me feel fortunate, like I was on the right path, and ultimately was a great tool in aiding my recovery.
As more time passed, the distinction between Jen and STBXW blurred, and now the two are synonymous in my mind. They are interchangeable, I can think of "Jen" with the same resulting feelings as "STBXW". The warm and fuzzies, the sadness & regret, are all gone.
So, pick a new name for your spouse, it could be something as simple as the first thing you see right in front of you, or something humourously offensive. It's your call.
I hope someone finds this helpful. I know it certainly helped me.
But what I realised is I began to think of her as "STBXW" in my mind, outside of TAM. After a while, the only time I used her actual name was in conversation with family & friends.
Rather than using her real name when thinking about her, (for the sake of the thread we'll call her Jen) I feel thinking of her as "STBXW" helped me to distinguish between the person I loved (Jen) and the person she is (STBXW). These two people are not the same. "Jen" was idealised in my mind, I held her on a pedestal. In reality, "Jen" never existed, or she did but it was all an act.
Another thing I found that helped, was renaming "Jen" to STBXW in my phone.
When I thought of "Jen" to begin with, I was filled with feelings of love, loss, regret and sadness. Thinking of her as STBXW made me feel fortunate, like I was on the right path, and ultimately was a great tool in aiding my recovery.
As more time passed, the distinction between Jen and STBXW blurred, and now the two are synonymous in my mind. They are interchangeable, I can think of "Jen" with the same resulting feelings as "STBXW". The warm and fuzzies, the sadness & regret, are all gone.
So, pick a new name for your spouse, it could be something as simple as the first thing you see right in front of you, or something humourously offensive. It's your call.
I hope someone finds this helpful. I know it certainly helped me.
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