Hello Folks....been a lurker here for a long long time. TAM is one of my last remaining addictions :)
My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and both of us are almost 40. We were both virgins (religious reasons). Our sex drives & desires have been always mismatched in one way or the other. In the beginning I had the higher drive and desire, however in the last couple of years, my wife has begun to exhibit higher drive and occasionally initiating. We get along fairly well, have had no major fights lately, no addictions...no abuse...no affairs. We are very different from each other, almost nothing in common. I am introverted, she is extroverted. I have limited social skills coupled with minor social anxiety, where as wife loves being the center of attention and is funny and full of life in social gatherings. If you ask me, what we have in common, I will have to think very hard to say anything other than love for our kids.
Our sexual history is a mixed bag, some good , some bad. My wife had quite a bit of anxiety regarding sex early in our marriage. She desired sex less than me, but did enjoy it, when it happened. She controlled that aspect of our life for obvious reasons. I have been rejected countless times. I am yet to learn to handle rejection properly. Avoiding rejection has been a major theme of my life. It used to be lot of work to get my wife to do anything different in bed. I remember sex being almost always on my mind. I also remember, the first emotions I felt when I got up in the morning was anger & frustration for not getting any action the prior night.
Quite a bit has changed for me in the last 3 years. As our kids grow, I am becoming more involved with school ,homework and other extra curricular activities. Professionally I now have a chance to become relevant and visible outside my department. I have started taking classes that will help me professionally. I am beginning to acquire clarity in my thinking. I am still not sure what I want from my life, but have clarity in in what I don't want from life. I used to listen to talk radio religiously, It's been long gone now. I cancelled Cable TV about 2 years ago. I stopped volunteering at my church, It used to be a huge part of my life. I started to eat healthy. I have lost weight. I used to drink 2-3 times a week, I have not had a drink since Christmas. I don't even watch porn as much as I used to. I could probably count in one hand, the number of times I have watched porn in the last 6 months. I picked up a hobby that I used to have in my teens and early twenties.
In other words at this point in my life, I have very little desire or need for sex. To be honest, I hesitate to call myself LD, I believe I have a normal drive, I have occasional urge to watch porn and take care of business myself. What has really changed is that sex is no-longer is front-and-center of my mind in the last 1-2 years. I occupies a very small real-estate in my brain. We have had sex twice in the last 3 months, I initiated once and the second time it happened because wife complained about me no longer initiating. Sex for me used to be a top 3 priority, now I am not sure if it is even a top 10 priority. However, If I am alone at home and have nothing to do, The urge to watch porn comes rushing to my mind.
My wife on the other hand has become more vocal in communicating her desires, more willing to do things in bed than before. She also complains a lot more about me not initiating and occasionally she initiates. These changes happened over the last 1-2 years. Initially I rejected her advances couple of times and If I am being honest with myself, I would say I enjoyed rejecting her. I do know that was wrong and have not done that ever since. It's got to a point that if she indicates a desire, I will make sure she get's her needs taken care of. However...Like I said before, desire for sex is not front-and-center of my mind and I completely forget about sex until my wife mumbles about it. She does not like this new dynamic in our relationship at all.
I have made it very clear to my wife that, I will not reject her if she initiates. I have also communicated that all she needs to do is to hint, if she is interested. I have gotten better a deciphering her hints. I absolutely do not want her to live sexually frustrated, like I did in my late 20's to mid 30's. However, she is not very happy with this condition, She want's me to pursue her, like I used to do in the past. That's a role I am not too excited to play anymore. Because I have tried to do that recently, and the one time she rejected my advance, anger, frustration & sadness came rushing at me. I don't like how that makes me feel. This makes me very very hesitant to play the role of the pursuer. Also If I was completely honest with myself, I like the current equation of the balance of power in our relationships, who wouldn't.
Sorry for the long wall of text, I am not even sure, if I have a question to ask, I guess I am trying to figure out, what is the right thing to do in the current situation? Is doing nothing perhaps right thing to do? I am curious to know what others think of this situation.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and both of us are almost 40. We were both virgins (religious reasons). Our sex drives & desires have been always mismatched in one way or the other. In the beginning I had the higher drive and desire, however in the last couple of years, my wife has begun to exhibit higher drive and occasionally initiating. We get along fairly well, have had no major fights lately, no addictions...no abuse...no affairs. We are very different from each other, almost nothing in common. I am introverted, she is extroverted. I have limited social skills coupled with minor social anxiety, where as wife loves being the center of attention and is funny and full of life in social gatherings. If you ask me, what we have in common, I will have to think very hard to say anything other than love for our kids.
Our sexual history is a mixed bag, some good , some bad. My wife had quite a bit of anxiety regarding sex early in our marriage. She desired sex less than me, but did enjoy it, when it happened. She controlled that aspect of our life for obvious reasons. I have been rejected countless times. I am yet to learn to handle rejection properly. Avoiding rejection has been a major theme of my life. It used to be lot of work to get my wife to do anything different in bed. I remember sex being almost always on my mind. I also remember, the first emotions I felt when I got up in the morning was anger & frustration for not getting any action the prior night.
Quite a bit has changed for me in the last 3 years. As our kids grow, I am becoming more involved with school ,homework and other extra curricular activities. Professionally I now have a chance to become relevant and visible outside my department. I have started taking classes that will help me professionally. I am beginning to acquire clarity in my thinking. I am still not sure what I want from my life, but have clarity in in what I don't want from life. I used to listen to talk radio religiously, It's been long gone now. I cancelled Cable TV about 2 years ago. I stopped volunteering at my church, It used to be a huge part of my life. I started to eat healthy. I have lost weight. I used to drink 2-3 times a week, I have not had a drink since Christmas. I don't even watch porn as much as I used to. I could probably count in one hand, the number of times I have watched porn in the last 6 months. I picked up a hobby that I used to have in my teens and early twenties.
In other words at this point in my life, I have very little desire or need for sex. To be honest, I hesitate to call myself LD, I believe I have a normal drive, I have occasional urge to watch porn and take care of business myself. What has really changed is that sex is no-longer is front-and-center of my mind in the last 1-2 years. I occupies a very small real-estate in my brain. We have had sex twice in the last 3 months, I initiated once and the second time it happened because wife complained about me no longer initiating. Sex for me used to be a top 3 priority, now I am not sure if it is even a top 10 priority. However, If I am alone at home and have nothing to do, The urge to watch porn comes rushing to my mind.
My wife on the other hand has become more vocal in communicating her desires, more willing to do things in bed than before. She also complains a lot more about me not initiating and occasionally she initiates. These changes happened over the last 1-2 years. Initially I rejected her advances couple of times and If I am being honest with myself, I would say I enjoyed rejecting her. I do know that was wrong and have not done that ever since. It's got to a point that if she indicates a desire, I will make sure she get's her needs taken care of. However...Like I said before, desire for sex is not front-and-center of my mind and I completely forget about sex until my wife mumbles about it. She does not like this new dynamic in our relationship at all.
I have made it very clear to my wife that, I will not reject her if she initiates. I have also communicated that all she needs to do is to hint, if she is interested. I have gotten better a deciphering her hints. I absolutely do not want her to live sexually frustrated, like I did in my late 20's to mid 30's. However, she is not very happy with this condition, She want's me to pursue her, like I used to do in the past. That's a role I am not too excited to play anymore. Because I have tried to do that recently, and the one time she rejected my advance, anger, frustration & sadness came rushing at me. I don't like how that makes me feel. This makes me very very hesitant to play the role of the pursuer. Also If I was completely honest with myself, I like the current equation of the balance of power in our relationships, who wouldn't.
Sorry for the long wall of text, I am not even sure, if I have a question to ask, I guess I am trying to figure out, what is the right thing to do in the current situation? Is doing nothing perhaps right thing to do? I am curious to know what others think of this situation.
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