Yes, you read that correctly. 19 months. It's not the way we imagined married life. But it's the reality we're facing. My wife and I were both virgins when we married back in July of 2012. And technically, I guess we're still virgins.
In the past 19 months there has been only one attempt to have intercourse…on our wedding night. Basically, we couldn't get it to fit in. I'm not large. In fact, I'm probably smaller than average. Before we got married, my wife's doctor informed her that intercourse would probably be difficult and painful due to her mostly intact hymen and small vaginal opening; she's never been able to even use tampons. I fear the doctor's warning only fueled her anxiety. But she put on her game face and was committed to making this work. When we tried, I was wearing a condom, as my wife had just begun birth control and we didn't want to take a pregnancy risk. As a result, I couldn't feel much, in terms of achieving proper alignment. We tried various positions and still couldn't make any progress. At no point was she in pain. It just wouldn't fit. Frustrated, we eventually gave up. I felt we'd try again soon and eventually get it right.
But since our wedding night, my wife has showed zero interest in intercourse. We're still intimate on rare occasions; I can probably count the number of times on one hand. She enjoys receiving oral sex and can climax from it, sometimes multiple times. But she seems uncertain what to do with my penis. She's jerked me off, but that's about it. And that was fine for a while. I've done my best to be patient and understanding, but now I need more. To complicate things, her sex drive has diminished over the last few months. She finds this troubling too. She admitted to me that she hasn't felt any desire or masturbated in nearly two months. We're not sure what the reason is. Birth control pills? School-related stress?
My wife is my best friend and she's been very open about her feelings. Still she can't pinpoint a reason why she's resistant to intercourse or any sexual contact. Obviously, she's not looking forward to the pain. For our next attempt we plan to use lube. Lots and lots of lube. But now that we're better prepared, she's still resistant, mostly since she's never in the mood. So I think that's the first priority. Unfortunately, we have no idea why her libido has tanked. Furthermore, she can't think of a single thing I or anyone can do to turn her on. She just feels the problem will fix itself over time. I'm not so optimistic. Do I need to be more assertive and insist on having sex? Somehow I don't think that will be helpful.
Perhaps a contributing factor, we don't live together full-time. My wife is a grad student going to school in a different city. I work elsewhere and am often on the road. Due to my work and her studies, if we're lucky, we get to spend weekends and holidays together. My wife feels it will be different when we live together. And that's something we're trying to work out. But I don't think living together will be the magic bullet.
As you can see, there are multiple issues here. I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm seriously considering counseling of some sort. Though I'm not certain my wife would be comfortable talking about our sex life (or lack thereof) with a stranger. I must admit, the idea doesn't sound too appealing to me either. But I don't know where else to turn. Does anyone have experience with sex therapists or marriage counselors? Would it be helpful if I went by myself? Or should I try to bring my wife along too?
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'd appreciate any constructive advice.
In the past 19 months there has been only one attempt to have intercourse…on our wedding night. Basically, we couldn't get it to fit in. I'm not large. In fact, I'm probably smaller than average. Before we got married, my wife's doctor informed her that intercourse would probably be difficult and painful due to her mostly intact hymen and small vaginal opening; she's never been able to even use tampons. I fear the doctor's warning only fueled her anxiety. But she put on her game face and was committed to making this work. When we tried, I was wearing a condom, as my wife had just begun birth control and we didn't want to take a pregnancy risk. As a result, I couldn't feel much, in terms of achieving proper alignment. We tried various positions and still couldn't make any progress. At no point was she in pain. It just wouldn't fit. Frustrated, we eventually gave up. I felt we'd try again soon and eventually get it right.
But since our wedding night, my wife has showed zero interest in intercourse. We're still intimate on rare occasions; I can probably count the number of times on one hand. She enjoys receiving oral sex and can climax from it, sometimes multiple times. But she seems uncertain what to do with my penis. She's jerked me off, but that's about it. And that was fine for a while. I've done my best to be patient and understanding, but now I need more. To complicate things, her sex drive has diminished over the last few months. She finds this troubling too. She admitted to me that she hasn't felt any desire or masturbated in nearly two months. We're not sure what the reason is. Birth control pills? School-related stress?
My wife is my best friend and she's been very open about her feelings. Still she can't pinpoint a reason why she's resistant to intercourse or any sexual contact. Obviously, she's not looking forward to the pain. For our next attempt we plan to use lube. Lots and lots of lube. But now that we're better prepared, she's still resistant, mostly since she's never in the mood. So I think that's the first priority. Unfortunately, we have no idea why her libido has tanked. Furthermore, she can't think of a single thing I or anyone can do to turn her on. She just feels the problem will fix itself over time. I'm not so optimistic. Do I need to be more assertive and insist on having sex? Somehow I don't think that will be helpful.
Perhaps a contributing factor, we don't live together full-time. My wife is a grad student going to school in a different city. I work elsewhere and am often on the road. Due to my work and her studies, if we're lucky, we get to spend weekends and holidays together. My wife feels it will be different when we live together. And that's something we're trying to work out. But I don't think living together will be the magic bullet.
As you can see, there are multiple issues here. I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm seriously considering counseling of some sort. Though I'm not certain my wife would be comfortable talking about our sex life (or lack thereof) with a stranger. I must admit, the idea doesn't sound too appealing to me either. But I don't know where else to turn. Does anyone have experience with sex therapists or marriage counselors? Would it be helpful if I went by myself? Or should I try to bring my wife along too?
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'd appreciate any constructive advice.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment