Dated wife for 3 months, got pregnant. I married her, thinking it was honorable, and she wanted to, and we were quite into each other....but who isnt 3 mos into a new relationship? Plus we were both in the 35-40 range, and had been thru our share of relationships. However, it was my 1st marriage, and I would be her *gulp* 3rd....and neither one of them had lasted past 2 yrs, and of course she was the unsuspecting victim....i know, red flag.
Anyway, we end up moving out of state to a better job oppty, settle into a nice neighborhood, i worked, she raised the kids. We end up having 3 in total. We struggled pretty early on -- she was controlling, and had no tolerance for any mistakes i'd make, or for my family, or her own extended family for that matter. She would isolate me and the kids from family and neighbors...i felt like we were on an island. She spent a lot of time being pregnant and recovering, so very inconsistent...more like nonexistent...sex life. She would get intensely angry if I did something wrong, especially if I forgot something she told me months ago -- so much so the only way i could deal with her was to avoid any stressful topic, or just avoid her altogether, and just respond to what she had on her mind. So, not really a happy existence between us, despite having 3 kids...we had talked about counseling at various times, but never followed through on it -- something always came up. Rarely did we even go out on date nights...oh, and we never even slept in the same bed...she was always either uncomfortable with her pregnancies, or was too angry with me, then started saying i smelled, or whatever....soon the resentment between us on how we felt each other was being treated became so much that we basically became household business partners. I had a hard time communicating with her, I always felt like she'd lash out at me, say something insulting, sarcastic, or condescending, and even when it seemed she was in a good mood, I felt like there was nothing to talk about other than the kids.
Anyway, we have our 3rd kid last july....then her behavior started to change....she wanted to visit her friends out of state, she started buying new clothes, hair appts, starting working out...I thought it was just her working to recover from the birth....so in Nov, she takes her trip, returns, and says she wants to see her friends a lot more and plans an early jan trip, post holidays. Shen then goes on to say she wants a separation agreement so she can have some 'space'...and that we would then pursue counseling. But, 2 wks before that trip to see her 'friends', i discover she'd started an online affair over the summer, she met him on her first trip, and now she is meeting him again in jan. He is married, has his own 3 kids, lives 1000miles away. I tell her, if she goes on the trip that I will file for divorce, since going to counseling after she returns from her affair trip that I'm fully aware of makes no sense to me. After a week of thinking about it, she took the trip, a nd I filed. She followed that up with another 5 day trip 3 wks later, and is now on a 17day trip! (about 30 days traveling so far this year!) Leaving our 5, 3, and 8m old at home for me to take care of! So we continue down the divorce path, but I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I felt maybe I filed too quickly, not giving a chance for counseling....i wonder if she would have even gone since we'd of course talk about the affair trip she just returned from! plus the marriage was such a struggle my therapist said to file and move on from this, the kids will be better off not seeing this dysfunctional relationship. but for some reason I have a slight regret about it.
Anyway, we end up moving out of state to a better job oppty, settle into a nice neighborhood, i worked, she raised the kids. We end up having 3 in total. We struggled pretty early on -- she was controlling, and had no tolerance for any mistakes i'd make, or for my family, or her own extended family for that matter. She would isolate me and the kids from family and neighbors...i felt like we were on an island. She spent a lot of time being pregnant and recovering, so very inconsistent...more like nonexistent...sex life. She would get intensely angry if I did something wrong, especially if I forgot something she told me months ago -- so much so the only way i could deal with her was to avoid any stressful topic, or just avoid her altogether, and just respond to what she had on her mind. So, not really a happy existence between us, despite having 3 kids...we had talked about counseling at various times, but never followed through on it -- something always came up. Rarely did we even go out on date nights...oh, and we never even slept in the same bed...she was always either uncomfortable with her pregnancies, or was too angry with me, then started saying i smelled, or whatever....soon the resentment between us on how we felt each other was being treated became so much that we basically became household business partners. I had a hard time communicating with her, I always felt like she'd lash out at me, say something insulting, sarcastic, or condescending, and even when it seemed she was in a good mood, I felt like there was nothing to talk about other than the kids.
Anyway, we have our 3rd kid last july....then her behavior started to change....she wanted to visit her friends out of state, she started buying new clothes, hair appts, starting working out...I thought it was just her working to recover from the birth....so in Nov, she takes her trip, returns, and says she wants to see her friends a lot more and plans an early jan trip, post holidays. Shen then goes on to say she wants a separation agreement so she can have some 'space'...and that we would then pursue counseling. But, 2 wks before that trip to see her 'friends', i discover she'd started an online affair over the summer, she met him on her first trip, and now she is meeting him again in jan. He is married, has his own 3 kids, lives 1000miles away. I tell her, if she goes on the trip that I will file for divorce, since going to counseling after she returns from her affair trip that I'm fully aware of makes no sense to me. After a week of thinking about it, she took the trip, a nd I filed. She followed that up with another 5 day trip 3 wks later, and is now on a 17day trip! (about 30 days traveling so far this year!) Leaving our 5, 3, and 8m old at home for me to take care of! So we continue down the divorce path, but I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I felt maybe I filed too quickly, not giving a chance for counseling....i wonder if she would have even gone since we'd of course talk about the affair trip she just returned from! plus the marriage was such a struggle my therapist said to file and move on from this, the kids will be better off not seeing this dysfunctional relationship. but for some reason I have a slight regret about it.
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