What about when you can't have sex? Both the wife and I have spinal and other issues that regularly put the kibosh on our sex life. And by regularly, I mean "much of the time". Hers is an injury, I believe, and mine is a syndrome of some kind that is never known to get better - my back is slowly turning to solid bone ( won't bend) and the process is long and slow. And painful and always will be.
Not all days are bad and neither are hers. And, I now work at a stressful (and sometimes physically stressful, too) job, and she's a student at a university in a very demanding program. Our hours aren't in sync, either, which makes our "opportunities" far, far too rare - and when they do occur, it's common that one or both of us is in pain.
Me, I get by. There's the old "right hand" (and sometimes hers...), but that's not really the issue. I'm not the one who is having a rough time so much as she is. And she is because, well, as she not quite so delicately put it "I'm afraid of withering and drying up". It is true that sex keeps things in good shape and NOT having it can result in eventual issues.
The medical practice these days is far more explicit about women - use it or lose it. Especially after the half century mark. And here's the thing. While she wants sex, has a reasonable sex drive, she will not (and I emphasize not) use toys, dildos, etc. Nor can I use them on her. We did, briefly, but it resulted in some rather disturbing hysteria on her part. Angry, crying, lashing out, talk of "substituting" them for the real thing, etc, etc.
She was raised being told that women "do it" to get their men off, not because they want to. And a lot of other really disturbing and bad things were said and done, too - some criminal. No need for details, really. These are issues that have been and continue to be worked through.
It pains and worries me to see her deny herself (and me the enjoyment of pleasing / pleasuring her) just because it's not exactly traditional PIV sex. School is stressful, mentally exhausting at times, and she still works some (have to, can't make ends meet without it). And when we can and do get to have some good satisfying sex, her mental state and energy and sleep are all much improved. ( mine, too)
I've talked to her about it and she's not really wanting to tell me what she thinks - just that "I don't really want to". And admits that she's worried and bothered by the "lack", as I am.
I know that the gamut of "normal" runs from people who never use toys, masterbate, or do anything "unusual" to those who just love doing anything and everything. It seems balance is healthy and needed. And we don't have it.
At this moment, I'm just not sure what to think or how or why. Or even if I should care or if it's important. It just seems to me it should be - relationships without sex are not whole. And it seems that alternatives to the perfectly traditional and mundane are or should be essential.
Thoughts?
Not all days are bad and neither are hers. And, I now work at a stressful (and sometimes physically stressful, too) job, and she's a student at a university in a very demanding program. Our hours aren't in sync, either, which makes our "opportunities" far, far too rare - and when they do occur, it's common that one or both of us is in pain.
Me, I get by. There's the old "right hand" (and sometimes hers...), but that's not really the issue. I'm not the one who is having a rough time so much as she is. And she is because, well, as she not quite so delicately put it "I'm afraid of withering and drying up". It is true that sex keeps things in good shape and NOT having it can result in eventual issues.
The medical practice these days is far more explicit about women - use it or lose it. Especially after the half century mark. And here's the thing. While she wants sex, has a reasonable sex drive, she will not (and I emphasize not) use toys, dildos, etc. Nor can I use them on her. We did, briefly, but it resulted in some rather disturbing hysteria on her part. Angry, crying, lashing out, talk of "substituting" them for the real thing, etc, etc.
She was raised being told that women "do it" to get their men off, not because they want to. And a lot of other really disturbing and bad things were said and done, too - some criminal. No need for details, really. These are issues that have been and continue to be worked through.
It pains and worries me to see her deny herself (and me the enjoyment of pleasing / pleasuring her) just because it's not exactly traditional PIV sex. School is stressful, mentally exhausting at times, and she still works some (have to, can't make ends meet without it). And when we can and do get to have some good satisfying sex, her mental state and energy and sleep are all much improved. ( mine, too)
I've talked to her about it and she's not really wanting to tell me what she thinks - just that "I don't really want to". And admits that she's worried and bothered by the "lack", as I am.
I know that the gamut of "normal" runs from people who never use toys, masterbate, or do anything "unusual" to those who just love doing anything and everything. It seems balance is healthy and needed. And we don't have it.
At this moment, I'm just not sure what to think or how or why. Or even if I should care or if it's important. It just seems to me it should be - relationships without sex are not whole. And it seems that alternatives to the perfectly traditional and mundane are or should be essential.
Thoughts?
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