Like many other folks here, I have been lurking around for a few weeks trying to get a feel for things before I ventured into posting myself. So here goes!
Some basic information first - I've been married for 23 years, most of it very happily. We've had no serious marital issues, have 2 great kids (now teens) and are both working. My wife recently graduated from a 4-year program that was done mostly by correspondence, however 2 times per year she had to travel to another city for a 3 week duration for classroom sessions. All this was done while she was also working full-time. Obviously this was a very busy time for her (working, taking courses - reading text books/writing papers/etc, and family life). During that time I supported her as much as I could by helping with the kids, housework, shopping, and so on. Looking back on it now, I can see that it did take a toll on my emotional needs. But, trying to be a good dad and husband, I sucked it up.
Now the issue - whenever she was out of town for the course, we would sometimes communicate by Facetime on our iPads. If you are familiar with Apple products (iPads, iPhones, etc) you may know that when using one Apple ID account, sometimes messages can get sent between individual devices. That occurred once when I noticed a Facetime (like Skype) request and a text message coming in to my iPad from another man (meant to be sent to wife's iPad). This was while she was away. The OM is an older colleague and I didn't really think about it at the time. I mentioned it to her and she must have changed her settings as no further messages came through to me. Now fast-forward about a year to last November. I saw a text message come through to her phone from the OM. They were attending a meeting for later that night and my wife was running a little late I guess, and he was wondering where she was. I spotted her reply to him - which was "sick kid, husband (me) freaking out" and "lunch t omorrow?". That reply bothered my because a) no kid was sick, b) I certainly wasn't freaking out about anything and c) what's this about lunch?
The following weekend she was away attending a conference and I decided to do some snooping. She had her computer with her, but I found an older computer that still have email messages from 2011 and 2012. I came across probably around 50 emails between them, about half were mainly about work, but the other half discussed having lunches together (with "the usual place" being referenced), many from the OM say things like "thanks for the call last night, it came at a perfect time", "looking forward to our next meeting" or simply "thanks". Most of these types of replies were from him, not my wife. I got the impression that he was more involved in this friendship than her, however they still appear to have met many times for lunches together,
SO, when she came home I asked her about this guy. I only referred to the 2 messages that came through on my iPad when she was away, and the text that I saw on her phone. I did not talk about the 50 emails from her old computer. I asked if they were friends, do they meet a lot, why hadn't I ever known about this friendship? She looked embarrassed, said that she did not really like him, does not consider him a friend, and that she just kept in contact as he is a colleague in the type of work she is involved in (more for political reasons). She was adamant about the "does not even like him" part. I left it alone for a few days to ponder (stew). It didn't seem to ring true to me though, why would she continue to be involved with him (I'm not sure exactly what type of relationship it is) when she so adamantly stated that she didn't like him? I then approached her again and decided to come clean - I showed her some of the emails that I found that referred to regular lunches, missi ng or thinking of you (his comments - not my wife's). Well - that did not go over very well. Rather than trying to get some sort of answer from her about what was going on, I was on the receiving end of some pretty nasty stuff, like how I betrayed her trust by snooping, I'm trying to control her (even compared my actions to what abusers do), and I got the silent treatment for about 2 weeks. Since that time I've managed to find some more stuff - they did communicate over Facetime (like Skype) when she was away. He is one of her top 9 friends on her Facebook page, the emails have continued since 2012 indicating regular communications, cell phone records also show regular communication. I would have to say though, based on what I have read, he appears to be much more needy and showing affection than she is. But what I don't know is why she is continuing with this relationship. Is it an EA? Could it be a one-sided EA from his side? Are they just friends? Maybe she doesn't know h ow to get out of it. Like I said, he is an older colleague and there may be political reasons for her to maintain some sort of connection. I don't believe there is or was a PA (he is married, pretty conservative, not particularly attractive - I'm not entirely ruling it out but my gut feel is no). Any suggestions?
Some basic information first - I've been married for 23 years, most of it very happily. We've had no serious marital issues, have 2 great kids (now teens) and are both working. My wife recently graduated from a 4-year program that was done mostly by correspondence, however 2 times per year she had to travel to another city for a 3 week duration for classroom sessions. All this was done while she was also working full-time. Obviously this was a very busy time for her (working, taking courses - reading text books/writing papers/etc, and family life). During that time I supported her as much as I could by helping with the kids, housework, shopping, and so on. Looking back on it now, I can see that it did take a toll on my emotional needs. But, trying to be a good dad and husband, I sucked it up.
Now the issue - whenever she was out of town for the course, we would sometimes communicate by Facetime on our iPads. If you are familiar with Apple products (iPads, iPhones, etc) you may know that when using one Apple ID account, sometimes messages can get sent between individual devices. That occurred once when I noticed a Facetime (like Skype) request and a text message coming in to my iPad from another man (meant to be sent to wife's iPad). This was while she was away. The OM is an older colleague and I didn't really think about it at the time. I mentioned it to her and she must have changed her settings as no further messages came through to me. Now fast-forward about a year to last November. I saw a text message come through to her phone from the OM. They were attending a meeting for later that night and my wife was running a little late I guess, and he was wondering where she was. I spotted her reply to him - which was "sick kid, husband (me) freaking out" and "lunch t omorrow?". That reply bothered my because a) no kid was sick, b) I certainly wasn't freaking out about anything and c) what's this about lunch?
The following weekend she was away attending a conference and I decided to do some snooping. She had her computer with her, but I found an older computer that still have email messages from 2011 and 2012. I came across probably around 50 emails between them, about half were mainly about work, but the other half discussed having lunches together (with "the usual place" being referenced), many from the OM say things like "thanks for the call last night, it came at a perfect time", "looking forward to our next meeting" or simply "thanks". Most of these types of replies were from him, not my wife. I got the impression that he was more involved in this friendship than her, however they still appear to have met many times for lunches together,
SO, when she came home I asked her about this guy. I only referred to the 2 messages that came through on my iPad when she was away, and the text that I saw on her phone. I did not talk about the 50 emails from her old computer. I asked if they were friends, do they meet a lot, why hadn't I ever known about this friendship? She looked embarrassed, said that she did not really like him, does not consider him a friend, and that she just kept in contact as he is a colleague in the type of work she is involved in (more for political reasons). She was adamant about the "does not even like him" part. I left it alone for a few days to ponder (stew). It didn't seem to ring true to me though, why would she continue to be involved with him (I'm not sure exactly what type of relationship it is) when she so adamantly stated that she didn't like him? I then approached her again and decided to come clean - I showed her some of the emails that I found that referred to regular lunches, missi ng or thinking of you (his comments - not my wife's). Well - that did not go over very well. Rather than trying to get some sort of answer from her about what was going on, I was on the receiving end of some pretty nasty stuff, like how I betrayed her trust by snooping, I'm trying to control her (even compared my actions to what abusers do), and I got the silent treatment for about 2 weeks. Since that time I've managed to find some more stuff - they did communicate over Facetime (like Skype) when she was away. He is one of her top 9 friends on her Facebook page, the emails have continued since 2012 indicating regular communications, cell phone records also show regular communication. I would have to say though, based on what I have read, he appears to be much more needy and showing affection than she is. But what I don't know is why she is continuing with this relationship. Is it an EA? Could it be a one-sided EA from his side? Are they just friends? Maybe she doesn't know h ow to get out of it. Like I said, he is an older colleague and there may be political reasons for her to maintain some sort of connection. I don't believe there is or was a PA (he is married, pretty conservative, not particularly attractive - I'm not entirely ruling it out but my gut feel is no). Any suggestions?
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