I will not try to make this too long, but I really need some input, I was married to my ex-husband for 13 years, 2 years after being divorced I met a man (I think I actually met his representative), He seemed so nice, caring, worried about me financially (I was struggling as a single parent, 3 kids, not receiving child support from my ex-husband, no government assistance (per the state, I made to much money, 15.50 an hour) so yes, I struggled, I jumped in way too quickly, after knowing this man a month I became pregnant, My children at time was 14, 12, and 10.
Starting over was very hard for me, I went through a very severe postpartum depression, prior to having my last son, it seemed that I couldn't do anything right in my life, I was constantly made to feel that I was stupid, couldn't make any right decisions in my life or my older children's life, I was and am being constantly told how I need to raise my older kids, I am also told how I need to raise our 3 year old. He believes in giving him every single thing, and no discipline. So I constantly staying frustrated, unhappy, depressed, and no desire for sex at all, I feel emotionally and verbally abused.
I see a therapist to work through my issues at hand, my husband has continually harassed me about sex, it's the only thing he talks about, every single day, and it's multiple times per day, he tries to grope me all the time, and personally I am just pissed off about this (I do it just to shut him up, the more I do it for him, the more he wants, I've even told him prior to sex that I didn't want to do it, yet he did it anyways. I have zero emotional needs met, he thinks I ought to pay him with sex when he does something like change the light bulb, or get me a soda at the store, I can ask him a question and he will say I am demanding him to do something. I feel very much controlled and then he will say I am the controlling one. He is very much messing with my mind. He's a cop by the way, (so he knows everything) I am right now unable to work, I went on a down hill spiral last December, I lost 60 pounds in about 6 months due to the anxiety that I was going through. I managed to work another 7 months after the December downward spiral and then it was too overwhelming, I was almost hospitalized for the depression and severe anxiety. I did what my therapist and Psychiatrist suggested I do, which was file for disability, I am certain that this marriage is disabling me as well. I know that it is toxic.
I feel trapped, he is constantly reminding me that he is the one who makes the money, that I really don't do anything, I clean this house daily and take care of our son. I am so tired of feeling like a body to someone, feeling like I now can't make a decision without his approval, He gets mad about the simple things, my kids use too many cups in a day, they go in the dishwasher for petes sake! I do the laundry, I load and unload the dishwasher, I really try to make him happy, yet nothing I do is worthy. I was never like this prior to him. He makes my older kids upset, and I recently found out that my daughter who is 13 has cut herself due to him. He told her that they needed to work out their differences because he didn't want that for her. I am not innocent in this marriage, I have hit him before when I have felt like I just can't take it anymore, I know that is wrong and I am working on my anger.
Is this worth saving? Should I just get out if my disability is approved? Where should I go from here? Am I just playing a victim? I don't even know who I am anymore. I really need some input terribly. Thank you for reading this. I know it's long but I really need some support on this matter.
Starting over was very hard for me, I went through a very severe postpartum depression, prior to having my last son, it seemed that I couldn't do anything right in my life, I was constantly made to feel that I was stupid, couldn't make any right decisions in my life or my older children's life, I was and am being constantly told how I need to raise my older kids, I am also told how I need to raise our 3 year old. He believes in giving him every single thing, and no discipline. So I constantly staying frustrated, unhappy, depressed, and no desire for sex at all, I feel emotionally and verbally abused.
I see a therapist to work through my issues at hand, my husband has continually harassed me about sex, it's the only thing he talks about, every single day, and it's multiple times per day, he tries to grope me all the time, and personally I am just pissed off about this (I do it just to shut him up, the more I do it for him, the more he wants, I've even told him prior to sex that I didn't want to do it, yet he did it anyways. I have zero emotional needs met, he thinks I ought to pay him with sex when he does something like change the light bulb, or get me a soda at the store, I can ask him a question and he will say I am demanding him to do something. I feel very much controlled and then he will say I am the controlling one. He is very much messing with my mind. He's a cop by the way, (so he knows everything) I am right now unable to work, I went on a down hill spiral last December, I lost 60 pounds in about 6 months due to the anxiety that I was going through. I managed to work another 7 months after the December downward spiral and then it was too overwhelming, I was almost hospitalized for the depression and severe anxiety. I did what my therapist and Psychiatrist suggested I do, which was file for disability, I am certain that this marriage is disabling me as well. I know that it is toxic.
I feel trapped, he is constantly reminding me that he is the one who makes the money, that I really don't do anything, I clean this house daily and take care of our son. I am so tired of feeling like a body to someone, feeling like I now can't make a decision without his approval, He gets mad about the simple things, my kids use too many cups in a day, they go in the dishwasher for petes sake! I do the laundry, I load and unload the dishwasher, I really try to make him happy, yet nothing I do is worthy. I was never like this prior to him. He makes my older kids upset, and I recently found out that my daughter who is 13 has cut herself due to him. He told her that they needed to work out their differences because he didn't want that for her. I am not innocent in this marriage, I have hit him before when I have felt like I just can't take it anymore, I know that is wrong and I am working on my anger.
Is this worth saving? Should I just get out if my disability is approved? Where should I go from here? Am I just playing a victim? I don't even know who I am anymore. I really need some input terribly. Thank you for reading this. I know it's long but I really need some support on this matter.
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