I've been with my boyfriend for a bit over 2 years. Generally, everything's been really fantastic. We had a great time together the last two times we've seen each other and it's really reminded me why I fell in love with him. But in the last couple of days or so something seems to have gone a bit wrong.
We're both at uni living in separate places in the holidays, so we have to be long distance then. Term starts again on Monday so we'll both be back at the weekend. Normally, he'd say he wanted to see me as soon as possible so we would see each other as soon as we were both back, but he didn't suggest seeing me at all this time (he's back on Sunday). I asked him if that meant he didn't want to, and he said he did, but he didn't want to walk over to mine especially to see me (I live on the edge of campus, he lives 20 minutes the other side) because the walk back is long and miserable, and it'd be rude to his housemates because it'd make it obvious that he prefers spending time with me to spending time with them. I was hurt by that so I told him not to bother coming round at all if it'd be that much of an effort, which upset him, and we ended up arguing about it over the phone. He said I couldn't seem to see why his reasons were valid, and I'd see him the day after anyway, and g ot annoyed so I told him he shouldn't feel forced to come round, I only want him to come round if he wants to.
A few hours later, I got a text saying he'll come round on Sunday whatever happens, he loves seeing me, I caught him in a bad mood and he's sorry, and he can't wait to see me. So I replied saying he should come over if he wants to and not because he feels under pressure to, but I explained that I was hurt by the reasons he gave for not doing, because I hadn't seen him in a fortnight, the walk back is 25 minutes and I should be worth doing that for, it upset me to think that he wasn't bothered to see me and that he hadn't missed me enough to make the effort worth it, and also that his housemates' opinions shouldn't matter if I come first (as he says I do) and he hasn't seen me for 2 weeks and apparently misses me a lot, and if he gives me those as reasons again in this situation I really won't be happy. Instead of saying sorry, he didn't seem to understand why I was upset and tried to explain himself - the walk back is a "physical & mental effort" and he doesn't look forward t o it, and sometimes it's quite sad to have to 'abandon' his housemates to come and visit me when they've been having a good time doing something, but he puts me first 99% of the time. I haven't really replied to this, so I don't think he knows that I'm annoyed.
I'm just really confused and don't know what to think. I get that it's not pleasant having to walk back late at night, but it should be worth the effort because he's got to spend time with me - I know I would do it for him. And he does it about once a week so surely it's not that bad? But him saying that makes me feel like whenever he comes round & doesn't stay over he's spending the whole time thinking he doesn't want to be there because he hates having to walk back. He says he loves seeing me more than anything and I feel like if that's the case it shouldn't be something to really complain about. It worries me because after he graduates we'll be long distance full time and if he can't be bothered with a 25 minute walk, what will he be like when it takes longer to get to where I am?
And then the thing with his housemates...I get that he wants to spend time with them, as I like spending time with mine. I admit that in the past I might have got upset when he's chosen them over me (which hasn't been that often) and I regret that. Even so, I'm fed up of him saying he wishes he could do more with his housemates but he doesn't have time, he spends all of his spare time with me pretty much. If I say something about spending less time together so he has time to do other things he'll come back with "but I prefer spending time with you to spending time with them" which gives me mixed messages - what do you want?? Anyway, they never organize to do anything together, they live in the same house so it shouldn't be too hard to see each other when he's there for most of the week...it makes me mad that he goes out of his way not to annoy them when last year during exams they managed to attract the attention of some local thugs and their house was under threat, which rea lly upset my boyfriend and he spent a lot of time at mine, and actually considered moving out because they didn't seem to understand why it upset him. I was there for him and spent a lot of time helping with that. Sometimes he'll be all "sod them, if I want to spend a lot of time with you they'll have to deal with it" and then other times it'll be "I'm always with you so I never get to do anything with them".
There have been other times when he's contradicted himself too, like he's said something about spending pretty much all of his spare time with me like it's something he finds really annoying, but then if I get offended by that he says he loves spending time with me more than anything and I can't tell if he's just saying those things to keep me happy.
I used to just accept things like this when they happened, because I was scared of losing him, and often ended up apologizing for being upset. But I've realised that I seem to spend a lot of the time in our relationship having doubts about whether he means what he says and whether he really wants to be with me or not, and I just can't deal with it anymore, I suffer from anxiety and it makes it really bad sometimes. I've had some of my happiest ever times with him and I don't want to lose that, but I've also had some of my worst and I have a feeling that discussing this isn't going to lead anywhere.
TL;DR - Boyfriend makes me feel like I'm not as important to him as he says I am, doesn't understand why I might be upset by him saying that walking back from seeing me is a massive effort and that he has no time to do things with his housemates because he spends so much time with me, when he often says that seeing my is his favourite thing to do and that he prefers seeing me to seeing them. Often contradicts himself by saying one thing but then saying another and I feel confused. I don't think discussing it will really lead anywhere.
Do I have a right to be confused and hurt by all of this?
We're both at uni living in separate places in the holidays, so we have to be long distance then. Term starts again on Monday so we'll both be back at the weekend. Normally, he'd say he wanted to see me as soon as possible so we would see each other as soon as we were both back, but he didn't suggest seeing me at all this time (he's back on Sunday). I asked him if that meant he didn't want to, and he said he did, but he didn't want to walk over to mine especially to see me (I live on the edge of campus, he lives 20 minutes the other side) because the walk back is long and miserable, and it'd be rude to his housemates because it'd make it obvious that he prefers spending time with me to spending time with them. I was hurt by that so I told him not to bother coming round at all if it'd be that much of an effort, which upset him, and we ended up arguing about it over the phone. He said I couldn't seem to see why his reasons were valid, and I'd see him the day after anyway, and g ot annoyed so I told him he shouldn't feel forced to come round, I only want him to come round if he wants to.
A few hours later, I got a text saying he'll come round on Sunday whatever happens, he loves seeing me, I caught him in a bad mood and he's sorry, and he can't wait to see me. So I replied saying he should come over if he wants to and not because he feels under pressure to, but I explained that I was hurt by the reasons he gave for not doing, because I hadn't seen him in a fortnight, the walk back is 25 minutes and I should be worth doing that for, it upset me to think that he wasn't bothered to see me and that he hadn't missed me enough to make the effort worth it, and also that his housemates' opinions shouldn't matter if I come first (as he says I do) and he hasn't seen me for 2 weeks and apparently misses me a lot, and if he gives me those as reasons again in this situation I really won't be happy. Instead of saying sorry, he didn't seem to understand why I was upset and tried to explain himself - the walk back is a "physical & mental effort" and he doesn't look forward t o it, and sometimes it's quite sad to have to 'abandon' his housemates to come and visit me when they've been having a good time doing something, but he puts me first 99% of the time. I haven't really replied to this, so I don't think he knows that I'm annoyed.
I'm just really confused and don't know what to think. I get that it's not pleasant having to walk back late at night, but it should be worth the effort because he's got to spend time with me - I know I would do it for him. And he does it about once a week so surely it's not that bad? But him saying that makes me feel like whenever he comes round & doesn't stay over he's spending the whole time thinking he doesn't want to be there because he hates having to walk back. He says he loves seeing me more than anything and I feel like if that's the case it shouldn't be something to really complain about. It worries me because after he graduates we'll be long distance full time and if he can't be bothered with a 25 minute walk, what will he be like when it takes longer to get to where I am?
And then the thing with his housemates...I get that he wants to spend time with them, as I like spending time with mine. I admit that in the past I might have got upset when he's chosen them over me (which hasn't been that often) and I regret that. Even so, I'm fed up of him saying he wishes he could do more with his housemates but he doesn't have time, he spends all of his spare time with me pretty much. If I say something about spending less time together so he has time to do other things he'll come back with "but I prefer spending time with you to spending time with them" which gives me mixed messages - what do you want?? Anyway, they never organize to do anything together, they live in the same house so it shouldn't be too hard to see each other when he's there for most of the week...it makes me mad that he goes out of his way not to annoy them when last year during exams they managed to attract the attention of some local thugs and their house was under threat, which rea lly upset my boyfriend and he spent a lot of time at mine, and actually considered moving out because they didn't seem to understand why it upset him. I was there for him and spent a lot of time helping with that. Sometimes he'll be all "sod them, if I want to spend a lot of time with you they'll have to deal with it" and then other times it'll be "I'm always with you so I never get to do anything with them".
There have been other times when he's contradicted himself too, like he's said something about spending pretty much all of his spare time with me like it's something he finds really annoying, but then if I get offended by that he says he loves spending time with me more than anything and I can't tell if he's just saying those things to keep me happy.
I used to just accept things like this when they happened, because I was scared of losing him, and often ended up apologizing for being upset. But I've realised that I seem to spend a lot of the time in our relationship having doubts about whether he means what he says and whether he really wants to be with me or not, and I just can't deal with it anymore, I suffer from anxiety and it makes it really bad sometimes. I've had some of my happiest ever times with him and I don't want to lose that, but I've also had some of my worst and I have a feeling that discussing this isn't going to lead anywhere.
TL;DR - Boyfriend makes me feel like I'm not as important to him as he says I am, doesn't understand why I might be upset by him saying that walking back from seeing me is a massive effort and that he has no time to do things with his housemates because he spends so much time with me, when he often says that seeing my is his favourite thing to do and that he prefers seeing me to seeing them. Often contradicts himself by saying one thing but then saying another and I feel confused. I don't think discussing it will really lead anywhere.
Do I have a right to be confused and hurt by all of this?
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