Regarding trust...

My H and I have been through much in our 20+ years. The end result is a significant loss of trust from my side for my H. Both of us state that we'd like to save the M, but how to actually accomplish that seems a bit of a mystery. My H readily admits that he has had a lifelong problem with matching his actions to his words. He has a bit of a "yes-man" personality, but he can't/doesn't deliver what he's agreed to. He's aware of the problem and claims he's working on it. However, he's not as willing to admit that he also has a problem with outright lying, in spite of the fact that he has a history of that as well. His admission and the life experiences I've had with him qualifies him for me as someone that is untrustworthy, and therefore I don't extend him trust. Because of the lack of trust, there are a number of things missing from our M. To me, this seems like a natural consequence. I've read many articles/books that state that trust in a M is critical, and without it, it's doomed for failure. The lack of trust for me all came about rather piecemeal, slowly over time, sort of the "boiling a frog" scenario. It's just how it is now. In recent years, I've spent WAY too much time trying to figure out how to make it all work without my H ever really addressing the trust issue, and I think I've simply lost enthusiasm for trying to change it. I've concluded that there is little I can do to improve things absent a foundation of trust and I rationalize the circumstances with the fact that no one has a perfect M. I'm content staying M'd and simply focusing on the good things in my life, and sparing our family from the ravages of D. We both contribute financially, we both contribute to child-rearing, we both contribute to household chores, etc. There is no physical abuse, no alcoholism, no gambling, etc. We actually make pretty good roommates. To me, to expect to have more than that without a basis of trust is unreasonable. H still has real issues with it though because he can't accept the consequences, and he accuses me of not forgiving him. He expects me to somehow still meet his needs. He tells me I need to be forgiving and accepting, that he's "trying." He might actually be trying, I don't know, I just know he never actually "accomplishes," so the fact remains that he is still untrustworthy. I've addressed most of H's complaints (criticizing, bringing up the past, asking too many questions, etc.) but there are some I simply cannot muster without trust (physical touch, recreational companionship.) If in fact I could meet these last points of his, H would be getting everything he wants in M and I would question why anyone says trust is important, much less critical, since under those circumstances it would seem trust in M would in fact be irrelevant. I realize that H could consider his needs not getting met to be a dealbreaker for him and file for D himself. That would be unfortunate because of the ugliness of D, but I recognize that is a possibility. The fact remains that I can only do what I can do. I have enough to focus on keeping my own resentments under control, and not superimposing my experiences with him onto everyone else such that I end up trusting nobody. If he found someone that he could have a healthy/happy relationship while maintaining his current approach, then I would be happy for him, pack his bags, and send him on his way. I would just want to know how. He expects it from me, yet I can't even imagine it possible.

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979