In The Final Stretch

Well, it's almost over. The divorce process, that is. Down to just arguing about how much support I'll have to pay, and for how long. Hopefully things will be finalized sometime this fall. And yet.... I have intentionally avoided this and other internet forums for a few months because I realized my codependent tendencies had me playing the victim and seeking constant validation. I've been working on these issues in therapy and also attending a Codependents Anonymous support group. I'm working harder at setting boundaries in my life with EVERYONE, not just my STBX. I'm feeling a little stronger every day. Her behavior still confuses the hell out of me. Because of our son, I will continue to interact with her indefinitely. I wish I could just go NC and be done with it, but that's not in the cards, so I've got to figure out how to coparent with minimal drama. And the fact is, I think the lack of drama is confusing. During the rare times I do interact with her, she seems SO freaking normal (at least superficially) that I doubt my own experience. Yesterday, she was all excited to share with me some tidbit she read about in a magazine about how a pinch of baking soda in lemonade will reduce the acidity (sounds gross to me, but I digress). In other words, when I drop by to pick up my son, she makes small talk in a friendly way as if she views us as friends. Maybe I should be grateful. But it confuses me. Is this the same woman who was screaming at me 18 months ago for "violating her sanctuary" when I slept in the wrong bed? Or who got me reported to Children's Services for something I never even did? WTH? Then there are moments when I see a peak of the old insanity. We had a meeting the other day with a child psychologist who is evaluating our son over adjustment issues. When the shrink asked about family stressors, my wife rapidly volunteered that we were going through a divorce, as if that were the totality of the problem. I decided I was done being passive... I spoke up and told the psychologist that our son had witnessed things no little one should ever have to see. Mommy screaming at Daddy over the "wrong" kind of noodles. Mommy threatening to take him and run away and hide from me. Mommy accusing Daddy of bugging the phones. Mommy falsely accusing Daddy of abuse and affairs. Mommy telling everyone her younger sister wanted to kidnap him. My point was that the whole picture needed to be seen if the psychologist was going to help our son. His mom (my STBX) became defensive and began trying to respond to my statement. My favorite quote: "I never accused you of affairs in front of him, so I don't see why that's relevant..." Not once have I ever heard anything like, "Honey, I'm so sorry I accused you of having an affair when in reality you worked hard to keep your vows, even when my insanity was probably pushing you away...." or anything like that. Not one single apology. But lots of justification...."Well, I only accused him of affairs in private, so that's not relevant..." Perhaps the "happy-go-lucky" persona is another way of invalidating my experience. She can rage, accuse me of bizarre things, and tarnish my name by slander, insinuation, and outright false information....then try to engage in small talk about lemonade as if we're best friends. But still...the normal days sometimes make me forget the bat-s**t days. I'm almost tempted to forget that I spent an entire weekend, scared to death the phone was going to ring or the cops were going to show up at my door over an untrue allegation she had made. Don't get me wrong. I have ZERO emotional attachment left for her. But I do still feel obligation and guilt. No normal man just walks away from his family if there's a way to save it. As the Declaration of Indpendence says, most men are "disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable" rather than tear a family apart. (I know the Declaration of Independence is an entirely different concept, but I've always liked that phrase! :) ) The day I left, I was convinced that the insanity was not "sufferable" any more. But on the days when she's acting SO freaking normal, I doubt my own experience. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was....... But I am working on it. My therapist calls my STBX a "ticking time bomb." She says that she is "emotionally unsafe" for me and that her "nice" act is just superficial. And on my better days I agree. It's just so hard for someone who is sane (at least I hope I am) to understand how so much anger, vindictiveness, and reviling can co-exist in the same mind as the (supposedly) sweet, charming, personable woman that I've seen at my former house lately. My best friend (who fortuitously enough, is also a psychologist) says I should be thankful I don't understand that kind of disordered thinking. But I guess I still try to. Just needed to vent.

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