help for the weak and tired!

Married for 19 years. Met when I was 20 and he 24. Dating for 6months and he calls it off, we were too close to fast. He sleeps with someone else. Comes back and says he is sorry loves me, please forgive me. I did. 6 months later we move 500 miles from our families for a new job for him. 1 year later we are talking about marriage. Then we find out baby on the way. Move marry date up and we are married. 6 years later, another baby. So up to date 2 kids after 7 years. All in all I would say a good marriage, there have been times where I wanted to go home, and we talked about moving, but never did. We probably have had a handful of fights over the years. 7 years ago, he comes out of nowhere...he loves me like a friend but is not in love with me anymore. I should take the kids 5, and 12 and move back home. I was devastated. But I packed up the kids and went home. After about a week, I decided that I didnt want that, and drove the 500 miles to tell h im. He tells me he was wrong and that he loves me too, and oh I had sex with someone I didn't know and it meant nothing. I took him back. He loves me and I love him. I have thought about this over the years, and sometimes regretted coming back. Wishing he wouldn't kiss me or want to be intimate with me, but I never told him and never held out. And I felt sometimes he regretted it too. A year ago, his grandfather passed, this was the only man who actually had any kind of love for my husband. He didnt get to see him before he passed, and regretted that. He took it very hard. Then 6 months ago he tells me he loves me as a friend again and wants a divorce. And that he has always felt like he had to marry me because I was pregnant. I tried so many things to change his mind. So many harsh words were spoken to me about how he felt. He had no wifely feelings for me, he would rather sleep alone then with me. And that he really needed me to be his friend. I also found out he was talking to an old female friend for quite some time. She was just a friend to help him through his pain of his loss. She lives 3 states away so I know nothing physical happened. I decided after 2 months of this that it was time to get straight and move ahead. So I got myself together made myself strong, and prepared to sell our house and move back home. All this time we are still living together and preparing our house to sell. We are talking and getting things done, making plans for the kids and what to do after a divorce. He has continued to talk to his friend. So I realize he is not changing his mind. So I am moving on he will be my friend and my kids father and I will always love him for that. During this time I found a male friend to confide in and talk to, laugh with. So now 1 month from moving, he decides he really doesnt want this after all. He does love me, and wants to be with me forever. I told him I had been talking with someone. He was depressed about his loss, and didnt know how to handle all the pain. He cries all day long and has lost a lot of weight and tries to convince me every day to stay and go to counseling. I am so tired. I feel like I have nothing left to give, and I need to at least have time to figure out what is in my heart now for him. I tell him I dont want to be hurt again, and he swears he never would. He says that if I ever loved him, that love would still be there and I could get past it all. I just feel so bad now, that he is hurting so badly about me and the kids moving so far away from him. I do hurt when I see him hurting. I know we have both done wrong and I feel the best thing to do is for both of us to heal ourselves first. Am I crazy? I sure feel like it!

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