Fights about sex/intimacy

My wife and I are coming up on our five year wedding anniversary, and we have been together for close to nine and I love her with all of my being. I have a much higher sex drive than she does and over the past few years physical intimacy has dropped away, and we rarely have sex. The last few years it we only seem to have sex on special occasions, around our anniversary, around christmas, around my birthday and once randomly during the summer. And it works out to be roughly once every four months. We have had some rough patches over the past few years, I started going to night classes for a degree, which caused for a bit of strain leaving her two or three nights a week, having to walk our two dogs by herself and then eventually three dogs when we got a puppy the winter of 2010. The puppy put a lot of additional stress in our lives, though I wouldn't get rid of him for anything. Over the last three or four years as our sex life has diminished and i have been rejected many times for many different reasons. From stressful issues in our lives, depression for the lose of a pet, health issues (her experiencing pain during sex), to general relationship issues. Whenever I get turned down, I try as hard as I can to not make her feel guilty. I really don't want her to have sex with me out of guilt/obligation/pitty. Well last night she had gone out, and while she was gone I had done some chores, which I try to do when she is gone, she was very happy when she came home and she kissed me very passionately, which is rare and it made me slightly aroused. When she realized, I could see the look on her face go from happy to depressed very quickly. I know she feels some level of guilt about how little we have sex so the reaction was not surprising. The last few month our lack of intimacy has really been getting to me. We rarely have any physical intimacy, and it seems like the only time we kiss or hug, is when I'm consoling her for a bad day or she is not feeling well. She also tells me that she doesn't want to be physical with me because anytime she kisses me or touches me I get aroused and expect sex. I admit I do get easily aroused, but I am not expecting 99% of the time. Well later on in the evening, we were sitting on the couch and I was holding her, which is uncommon, and I finally after months of not being able to say anything, asked her if we could work on being more intimate together. She immediately go very angry and defensive, I should have known better, and we got into a bad fight. She kept saying "why can't I just be happy with holding?" and this is why she never gets close to me because I always expect sex. Which is NOT true. The fight was not productive at all. One of the big sticking points that has really been bothering me, is that when we first got together we had a great sex life, we even got a little adventurous with some toys that we would use when we were together. A few years ago I noticed that she had been using them when I wasn't around. At first I was just glad she was getting what she needed without straying. Part of me is glad, because I know she still has some sexual desires, but there is another part of me that is really upset, because she turns to these much more often than she does me. I really don't know what to think or do at this point. It has gotten to the point where I wish for the day that I am not interested in sex anymore. When the thought of sex comes up I usually end up just getting depressed, I even bought supplements that should lower my sex drive, hoping it wont be an issue anymore.

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