Can't Make THE Decision

Short history: Married 20 years. I am 47, W is 42. 2 kids, ages 10 & 14. W started an affair in fall of 2010. I discovered it and was in total shock. To this day she claims it was EA only. I saw things via email and text that strongly suggested PA but no hard evidence. I busted her 5X over the course of 8 months and like a complete fool never gave her hard consequences. That's on me. The most recent contact(that I know of) I saw was a trading of FB messages about 6 months ago. Looked benign but who knows. As is the usual story she blamed the state of the marriage for her affair. I'm sure she lost respect for me as I became the one who tried to make things better and allowed the affair to continue without giving hard consequences. I lived in limbo for 2years. Now: Last month I told her I'm moving forward one way or the other. We were either going to MC to try to rebuild the marriage or I was calling a lawyer. We have been to MC 5X in the last month, 6th one coming up later this week. Here's my issue: In the last 4 months I've really opened my eyes to reality. I've really worked on myself and set the marriage aside. I've seen that I've not been happy in the marriage for quite a while, at least 7-8 years. I've grown resentful of being the one who tries harder by planning events, initiating sex, and in general doing more to try to make the marriage a good place. In essence, I've been a "nice guy". I've co-created the dysfunctional relationship where she's unhappy and I try to make her happy. I've already known this but through MC it has become more clear that she blames me for the majority of unhappinness in her life. She does not take responsiblity for her own happinness and decisions. She disrespects me behind my back by telling friends and family 1/2 truths, shaping things to put me in a bad light and her in the good light. As I've stepped back and observed more I know it's been like this a long time. The truth is I have not gotten what I've wanted or needed fro m her for a long time. As I look towards the future I keep asking myself "Is this what I want? Did she do me a favor by having the affair to open my eyes to what my marriage really is?" Other red flags for me are that 5 years into our marriage she admitted kissing some guy while I was out of town. Was there more? Maybe. Also, she apparently had a special bond with the guy she had an EA with just after high school but never told me about him. Why would you keep that stuff inside? I know I will never trust her fully again. It's difficult to see me living my life with someone I will never trust again. She is going to MC and there is some outside effort. Not a lot, but some. I don't know if I am hanging on for some reason - fear probably. I'm not afriad of being without her. I'm used to it but I think I would not only survive but thrive in the aftermath of D. I don't know. It feels like I am hanging on and not quite ready to "pull the trigger" but not sure why. Thoughts and similar situations welcome.

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