Aren't they?
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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
Need advice how to proceed with marriage problems
My husband of 3 years had a severe panic attack two days ago. He thought he would die and couldn't breath - I panicked upon seeing this, called emergency and he got admitted and discharged next morning, with a follow up with a counsellor.
The story is: My husband and I met 5 years ago while he was working abroad. We fell in love and and moved in together. The problem was he is from a very strict Muslim background (I am not, but we are from the same country), while we were dating his parents back home (which is quite common in his village) decided to arrange his marriage with a distant relative living in their village. My husband explained to them he already found his love but they were not willing to accept this and in his absence 'gave word' to the girls family and they were according to his family engaged. His parents thought (as he is very close to his family) he will give up on me and husband thought his parents will accept his happiness and give up the other 'engagement'.
He tried convincing his parents for almost a year and went back home for this but without any positive result. In the meantime, the other girls family found out about us and felt betrayed and thus broke the engagement obviously.
We went ahead and married only with my family and our friends and none of his family attended our wedding and do ignore me till today, apart of his brother and mother who called once or twice. Husband is somehow in touch with his mother and few others but not his grandfather and father. This broke him a lot and the last few years were very tough on him being disconnected from his family. He tried a lot to make them accept me but they are not willing to even meet me as according to them I have destroyed their wish and happiness.
They not only don't accept us, they threatened me before our wedding to kill me if I go ahead with this marriage. I somehow told myself their anger will be over once they meet me but they weren't willing to meet me.
In fact last year they reached out to me and expected me to agree that my husband ALSO marries that other girl (who has moved on) as a second wife and stated this would be allowed in Islam. I tried ignoring this but I couldn't somehow deal with it. I knew my husband would never do this but it did affect me they expecting this from me.
That didn't work so after that and realising the other girl has moved on his father announced that if husband is willing to divorce me he will accept him back which husband obviously didn't do as we love each other deeply. I was 33 weeks pregnant then and the day after that we had a huge fight, I got severe high blood pressure and I lost my baby the next day. Which was very traumatic and I somehow blamed his family for making my life miserable.
This all has brought huge problems in our marriage. I have started to get a severe depression, I couldn't sleep anymore and was scared something bad will happen anytime. I was always a happy outgoing person but now I feel like a mess. I can't deal with all this and I feel so weak. I want to help my husband to get back to his family but I have so much anger towards them and this makes me so helpless.
I also have anger towards my husband for always trying to justify his parents actions and never taking any actions back.
So two days ago I demanded he disconnects from his mother and brother as well for few months OR we either separate for a while to digest this all. I just need a break from these people and do not want to hear anything from them. Husband didn't react very well and few hours later got this panic attack (for the first time).
I was really scared something will happen to him. We have decided now that we need few days break from each other and he might go back home to meet his mom and his mom thinks that if he comes home after three years his father will melt and accept us. But I don't want them to accept me now. I wanted this but not anymore, I do not want these people in my life but husband will be miserable without them. So I agreed him going to his family while I visit my family. But I don't know if this is a good idea.
Sorry about the long story, I have friends and family who listen to me and are always there but maybe someone here has an advice what to do. We want to do marriage counselling but will that help us? I just don't know how to deal with this anger and depression and sadness.
The story is: My husband and I met 5 years ago while he was working abroad. We fell in love and and moved in together. The problem was he is from a very strict Muslim background (I am not, but we are from the same country), while we were dating his parents back home (which is quite common in his village) decided to arrange his marriage with a distant relative living in their village. My husband explained to them he already found his love but they were not willing to accept this and in his absence 'gave word' to the girls family and they were according to his family engaged. His parents thought (as he is very close to his family) he will give up on me and husband thought his parents will accept his happiness and give up the other 'engagement'.
He tried convincing his parents for almost a year and went back home for this but without any positive result. In the meantime, the other girls family found out about us and felt betrayed and thus broke the engagement obviously.
We went ahead and married only with my family and our friends and none of his family attended our wedding and do ignore me till today, apart of his brother and mother who called once or twice. Husband is somehow in touch with his mother and few others but not his grandfather and father. This broke him a lot and the last few years were very tough on him being disconnected from his family. He tried a lot to make them accept me but they are not willing to even meet me as according to them I have destroyed their wish and happiness.
They not only don't accept us, they threatened me before our wedding to kill me if I go ahead with this marriage. I somehow told myself their anger will be over once they meet me but they weren't willing to meet me.
In fact last year they reached out to me and expected me to agree that my husband ALSO marries that other girl (who has moved on) as a second wife and stated this would be allowed in Islam. I tried ignoring this but I couldn't somehow deal with it. I knew my husband would never do this but it did affect me they expecting this from me.
That didn't work so after that and realising the other girl has moved on his father announced that if husband is willing to divorce me he will accept him back which husband obviously didn't do as we love each other deeply. I was 33 weeks pregnant then and the day after that we had a huge fight, I got severe high blood pressure and I lost my baby the next day. Which was very traumatic and I somehow blamed his family for making my life miserable.
This all has brought huge problems in our marriage. I have started to get a severe depression, I couldn't sleep anymore and was scared something bad will happen anytime. I was always a happy outgoing person but now I feel like a mess. I can't deal with all this and I feel so weak. I want to help my husband to get back to his family but I have so much anger towards them and this makes me so helpless.
I also have anger towards my husband for always trying to justify his parents actions and never taking any actions back.
So two days ago I demanded he disconnects from his mother and brother as well for few months OR we either separate for a while to digest this all. I just need a break from these people and do not want to hear anything from them. Husband didn't react very well and few hours later got this panic attack (for the first time).
I was really scared something will happen to him. We have decided now that we need few days break from each other and he might go back home to meet his mom and his mom thinks that if he comes home after three years his father will melt and accept us. But I don't want them to accept me now. I wanted this but not anymore, I do not want these people in my life but husband will be miserable without them. So I agreed him going to his family while I visit my family. But I don't know if this is a good idea.
Sorry about the long story, I have friends and family who listen to me and are always there but maybe someone here has an advice what to do. We want to do marriage counselling but will that help us? I just don't know how to deal with this anger and depression and sadness.
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So What's Everyone Planning to Do For the 4th?
[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"] So exactly what's everybody planning on doing to celebrate Uncle Sam's birthday this year? Any grandiose plans?[/COLOR]
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Would you let your wife or girl friend wear this dress ?
Would you let your wife or girl friend wear this dress
?http://ift.tt/1IWCSWs
I had a fight with my wife, she wants to wear dresses like this, I said it is inappropriate and that it looks ****ty.
I do not want men staring at her while she wears this kind of dresses and she says, that i am a grand father and not modern.
:frown2:
?http://ift.tt/1IWCSWs
I had a fight with my wife, she wants to wear dresses like this, I said it is inappropriate and that it looks ****ty.
I do not want men staring at her while she wears this kind of dresses and she says, that i am a grand father and not modern.
:frown2:
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follow-up on man who had 2 affairs 35 yrs ago
A few weeks ago I posted about a friend of mine who has been married nearly 45 years who had two affairs more than 35 yrs ago. He asked if he should tell his wife. My response was no. A lot of people didn't like my advice. Well here's the update.
He talked to his wife about going to counseling. His thoughts were that this would be the best time to tell her of his affairs. They both agreed and he called on a Thursday for an appointment with their minster for counseling the following Monday.
On Sunday they went to church but before church services an announcement was made that the minister had been dismissed and was no longer the minister of the church. The assistant minister gave the sermon that morning.
Afterwards when my friend inquired, he learned that a lady church member had filed a complaint against him for seducing her while counseling her. They were have sex in his office late at night when all were gone. Apparently, he had done this before at his previous church in another state when he was married to wife #2. He was now on wife #3 when this happened..
My friend decided to drop the whole confessional thing. Why ruin 35 year of good marriage. He's happy. She's happy. The kids and grandkids are happy. The church members are unhappy.
If I told the name of the town in Missouri, there would be someone here who knows this to be true.
He talked to his wife about going to counseling. His thoughts were that this would be the best time to tell her of his affairs. They both agreed and he called on a Thursday for an appointment with their minster for counseling the following Monday.
On Sunday they went to church but before church services an announcement was made that the minister had been dismissed and was no longer the minister of the church. The assistant minister gave the sermon that morning.
Afterwards when my friend inquired, he learned that a lady church member had filed a complaint against him for seducing her while counseling her. They were have sex in his office late at night when all were gone. Apparently, he had done this before at his previous church in another state when he was married to wife #2. He was now on wife #3 when this happened..
My friend decided to drop the whole confessional thing. Why ruin 35 year of good marriage. He's happy. She's happy. The kids and grandkids are happy. The church members are unhappy.
If I told the name of the town in Missouri, there would be someone here who knows this to be true.
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Chapter 3 6 weeks into the separation....
For those of you who have read my previous threads, you will remember my angst over my wife's friends...for the rest of you here is my story in brief: married 9 years, together for 11 I am 43 she is 35 and we have a 4 yr old daughter. I have anger issues and am already in EA and IC. I accept full responsibility for the angry outbursts though none got physical and were only one or two per year most years.
Part of what has made reconciliation hard is my wife's complete detachment and the fact that she believes she fell in love with a mutual friend. Also, friends in the neighborhood, including her best friend all encouraged her to leave me and pursue the other- not good friends obviously but at the beginning of this journey my wife sided with them.
She takes one thing seriously at this point, fidelity. We both agreed to this at her request until we could get some space and time to think. The mutual friend she fell for got angry at her and told her to get her **** together. Then we found out her so called friends started spreading infidelity rumors about her, the ones I trust know it's bogus as do I because some of the stories and timing are impossible and don't add up!
Lastly my wife has fibromyalgia and has been severely impacted by the medications, changes in medication etc. we are now on a preplanned family trip to relatives and they too are noticing her imbalance.
So, many married and formerly married women on this site have mentioned how once they were done they were done and the thought of reconciliation was barely on the radar. As my suspicions that she was being influenced and struggling with her disease proved out to be true the more I want to stick by her and support her. Yes the anger issues are real and I am working hard on those, people are noticing.
180 is hardly working for me because she relies on me for so much given her ailments and now alienation from the so called friend group. I won't deny a certain level of sucker in my thought process but I also love her and want to help her and keep our family together. Her parents and mine know the level of effort I make to helping her and are so concerned about her health that they are worried something might go down. They don't know about all the rest yet, separation, infidelity rumors, etc.
I want my family to survive this, I want to help. I can honestly tell all of you that even if she had cheated I would work through it with her because the disease and mess have so thoroughly altered her reasoning.
Maybe I am an idiot. But never expected to be here and talking to her sometimes is like talking to a block of ice. Truly no chance for reconciliation?
Part of what has made reconciliation hard is my wife's complete detachment and the fact that she believes she fell in love with a mutual friend. Also, friends in the neighborhood, including her best friend all encouraged her to leave me and pursue the other- not good friends obviously but at the beginning of this journey my wife sided with them.
She takes one thing seriously at this point, fidelity. We both agreed to this at her request until we could get some space and time to think. The mutual friend she fell for got angry at her and told her to get her **** together. Then we found out her so called friends started spreading infidelity rumors about her, the ones I trust know it's bogus as do I because some of the stories and timing are impossible and don't add up!
Lastly my wife has fibromyalgia and has been severely impacted by the medications, changes in medication etc. we are now on a preplanned family trip to relatives and they too are noticing her imbalance.
So, many married and formerly married women on this site have mentioned how once they were done they were done and the thought of reconciliation was barely on the radar. As my suspicions that she was being influenced and struggling with her disease proved out to be true the more I want to stick by her and support her. Yes the anger issues are real and I am working hard on those, people are noticing.
180 is hardly working for me because she relies on me for so much given her ailments and now alienation from the so called friend group. I won't deny a certain level of sucker in my thought process but I also love her and want to help her and keep our family together. Her parents and mine know the level of effort I make to helping her and are so concerned about her health that they are worried something might go down. They don't know about all the rest yet, separation, infidelity rumors, etc.
I want my family to survive this, I want to help. I can honestly tell all of you that even if she had cheated I would work through it with her because the disease and mess have so thoroughly altered her reasoning.
Maybe I am an idiot. But never expected to be here and talking to her sometimes is like talking to a block of ice. Truly no chance for reconciliation?
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follow-up on man who had affarirs 35 yrs ago
A few weeks ago I posted about a friend of mine who has been married nearly 45 years who had two affairs more than 35 yrs ago. He asked if he should tell his wife. My response was no. A lot of people didn't like my advice. Well here's the update.
He talked to his wife about going to counseling. His thoughts were that this would be the best time to tell her of his affairs. They both agreed he called on a Thursday and made an appointment with their minster for counseling on the following Monday.
ON Sunday they went to church but the minister was not preaching. Before church services began, an announcement was made that the minister had been dismissed and was no longer the minister of the church. The assistant minister gave the sermon that morning.
Afterwards when my friend inquired, he learned that a lady church member had filed a complaint against him for seducing her while counseling her. They were have sex in his office late at night when all were gone. Apparently, he had done this before at his previous church in another state when he was married to wife #2. He was on wife #3 when this happened..
My friend decided to drop the whole confessional thing. Why ruin 35 year of good marriage. He's happy. She's happy. The kids and grandkids are happy. The church members are unhappy.
If I told the name of the town in Missouri, there would be someone here who knows this to be true.
He talked to his wife about going to counseling. His thoughts were that this would be the best time to tell her of his affairs. They both agreed he called on a Thursday and made an appointment with their minster for counseling on the following Monday.
ON Sunday they went to church but the minister was not preaching. Before church services began, an announcement was made that the minister had been dismissed and was no longer the minister of the church. The assistant minister gave the sermon that morning.
Afterwards when my friend inquired, he learned that a lady church member had filed a complaint against him for seducing her while counseling her. They were have sex in his office late at night when all were gone. Apparently, he had done this before at his previous church in another state when he was married to wife #2. He was on wife #3 when this happened..
My friend decided to drop the whole confessional thing. Why ruin 35 year of good marriage. He's happy. She's happy. The kids and grandkids are happy. The church members are unhappy.
If I told the name of the town in Missouri, there would be someone here who knows this to be true.
Put the internet to work for you.
Paperwork ready to sign, more infidelity info, and her mother called me
Some of you know my situation so I will spare the full re-cap. Anyway, I have come to find out that the people that moved her out actually work for the man she is leaving me for and that they moved her right in to his place. If you recall, when we had our "talk" just three weeks ago Sunday, she said we simply didn't fit and that we weren't compatible. She claimed she didn't cheat and that it's not about anyone else. They all say that.
Now I know, that they have been sneaking around - at least emotionally - since before we even got married, which is when she first started to detach. Crazy. This (and of course her new/old man) is why she has been able to be so cold and resolute. But, why did she go through with the wedding???? For those of you who don't know, we were married just two months. She is a severe alcoholic and narcissist and this man is her ex who is also severely alcoholic and a local bar "celebrity" of sorts. He has been putting the full court press on her since just after we got engaged (she actually asked me to marry her!). They will be living the party life and then some. I'm quite certain he promised to marry her or she wouldn't have had the courage to leave.
Remember, we had our "talk" agreeing to divorce three weeks ago Sunday, she was out that Tuesday, and she has been in a semi-rush for getting the divorce finalized now. I'm guessing that he promised to marry her and she - knowing what a cheater this guy is - wants to get a ring on it fast. I think she also thinks it will make her look like less of a tramp supposedly to be able to say she's divorced (even though it's just the paper signing) and be seen out with this guy.
Lastly, her Mom called and is totally devastated still. She wanted me to know that her whole family still loves me. I told her some information about this other guy, but kept it very general. Unfortunately, that conversation with her Mom, set me back a bit in the grieving process.
I'm still struggling to put this behind me. It's been almost three weeks since we had the talk, and I still catch myself trying to figure out the details and obsessing over it. I do think I'm getting better overall, but I'm tired of feeling blue. The betrayal, the lying, the cheating, and the way it all went down really stings. I also think about those times when she wasn't drinking as much or hanging out at those bars and it was really cool. Sad she will never be able to live as that person - if she could she wouldn't throw away our marriage to get back with a lying, cheating, alcoholic.
I guess what so many here have said is true - I dodged a bullet. The thing is, I am still grieving pretty hard.
Now I know, that they have been sneaking around - at least emotionally - since before we even got married, which is when she first started to detach. Crazy. This (and of course her new/old man) is why she has been able to be so cold and resolute. But, why did she go through with the wedding???? For those of you who don't know, we were married just two months. She is a severe alcoholic and narcissist and this man is her ex who is also severely alcoholic and a local bar "celebrity" of sorts. He has been putting the full court press on her since just after we got engaged (she actually asked me to marry her!). They will be living the party life and then some. I'm quite certain he promised to marry her or she wouldn't have had the courage to leave.
Remember, we had our "talk" agreeing to divorce three weeks ago Sunday, she was out that Tuesday, and she has been in a semi-rush for getting the divorce finalized now. I'm guessing that he promised to marry her and she - knowing what a cheater this guy is - wants to get a ring on it fast. I think she also thinks it will make her look like less of a tramp supposedly to be able to say she's divorced (even though it's just the paper signing) and be seen out with this guy.
Lastly, her Mom called and is totally devastated still. She wanted me to know that her whole family still loves me. I told her some information about this other guy, but kept it very general. Unfortunately, that conversation with her Mom, set me back a bit in the grieving process.
I'm still struggling to put this behind me. It's been almost three weeks since we had the talk, and I still catch myself trying to figure out the details and obsessing over it. I do think I'm getting better overall, but I'm tired of feeling blue. The betrayal, the lying, the cheating, and the way it all went down really stings. I also think about those times when she wasn't drinking as much or hanging out at those bars and it was really cool. Sad she will never be able to live as that person - if she could she wouldn't throw away our marriage to get back with a lying, cheating, alcoholic.
I guess what so many here have said is true - I dodged a bullet. The thing is, I am still grieving pretty hard.
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Do You Have A Name For Your Trouser Monster?
The Most Popular Penis Names Have Been Revealed And They're A Strange Bunch | The LAD Bible
According to the above, the top 10 names:
According to the above, the top 10 names:
Quote:
| The top ten names of choice are: Troy Hercules The Rock Russell the Muscle Wilfred Dave Jerry Johnny Randolph Wendell |
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in hell
So.... There is a lot going on right now. Am pregnant, husband's father dying and living with us, recently found out H (a sex addict in long term recovery) has been looking at porn for several months.
We bought and moved into this house at the end of last year, and since then it just feels like so much has happened that has left me feeling unsettled and like my boundaries are just walked all over and my feelings are unimportant.
Tonight the FIL just started making calls inviting a bunch of people over. He was in a panic and thinking he was going to not last through the night. He is toward the end but not that close yet. So I called H to let him know to put his plans on hold while I ran around like an idiot organizing food for God knows how many people, I could only guess, who were about to turn up on my doorstep. It's Friday night and I'm tired but trying to show grace. If this was a one off then it is what it is. But it's not. There have been so many times when he will turn up unannounced, or not turn up when he said he will, or organize a dinner that he knows we will pay for and he sure as hell isn't offering to pay for anything. He's a severe gambler and has been freeloading this whole time. He doesn't think of anyone. He doesn't consider our position, or ask, or offer, he just wants to be king of his life and expect everyone to drop everything and suit him. I know this seems harsh in context of t onight but it's been a pattern of behaviour and i have nowhere to get my feelings out in the open because I'm not allowed to have any negative emotions or thoughts about my H's dad because he's dying.
I have just gone on maternity leave, but have a little while before baby is due. Have been mostly at home caring for FIL and making sure he's OK. I got my pay in lump sum. 2/3 of it is going toward a property related tax bill, I was hoping the remaining 3rd could cover the next six months of mortgage payments. But it won't because we have other things we will need to cover which my husband's income can't cover. Like $7K toward a funeral bill.
So tonight I was having my feelings but fulfilling my duty and cleaning and making all this food. While I was eating, the "fun" started. One of H's uncles mentioned a particular race but i knew it was far from over. It turned onto a racist exchange. I chose to remove myself from his presence and sit with someone else because it was the last thing I needed right now.
About 10 minutes later it all came up again, and this time it was a conversation involving the whole room of people, about 4 people making really racist comments. I am capable of standing up for myself, I am not afraid of his family, but H doesn't like making waves. To his credit, he tried to speak up twice, mentioning that I happen to be part-X, about my grandmother and stuff and the conversation still continued so i went into the kitchen and busied myself to get away from it. I could have spoke up I guess but I felt like it would be one against 10 or 15 and I was trying to remind myself that tonight was for FIL to have quality time with his family. I have heard comments from them before but I think it really got to me that this was my house, my roof, my food, I was serving them all dinner, it just hurt more somehow.
I had a bit of a cry but calmed down and I reappeared later and was going through some photos with H's sister. Then I came across some of his ex in her underwear. So.... Yeah. You know how women remember everything? We had had very specific convos about photos of exes before we got married and moved in. I had gotten rid of mine. He took a while but he said he got rid of them one day and said it was hard to do, gave me this speech about it, but that he had done it. Then tonight the photos he apparently got rid of are making an appearance in my living room while I am pregnant with our first child and his family are slinging racist **** against certain people. (OK so I am white but part aboriginal, and in this country, Australia, everyone seems to have a ****ing opinion on how they are all lazy criminals with no jobs who get free stuff and the rest). My nan lived through the stolen generation and still lives in terror. Sorry but they can all get ****ed saying that **** in my ho use.
Since we have lived here (and during the time FIL stayed with us), my H's wedding ring and my pearl necklace i wore on my wedding day have disappeared. Last time he stayed with is in our old place, my wedding ring went missing. H won't let me bring it up with FIL or ask him about it.
H was unemployed for seven months. Some of that time it was because we were doing major renovations to the house we bought. But when he tried to get work again he had some challenge . During that time we got some things done but honestly we should have been so much further ahead. We are now stuck with a bathroom with no door because the tradie who renovated it left no room for a door swing, and is avoiding coming back to fix it or finish the job after we gave him a part payment.
H started drinking and hiding alcohol but would deny it when I called him out. He also bought cigars for a mate's bucks to but ended up smoking then all. Also, he was looking at porn for months til I found 2 weeks ago.
We went for a pre-baby holiday, and although we don't have a ton of sex at the moment, we did 3 or 4 times and he tried to influence me to do anal stuff, like was doing stuff down there that I had stopped him 3 times and asked him not to and he already knew i didn't want to go there. Then when I got upset he blamed my abuse issues as the reason we don't have sex and for kind of wrecking whatever was in progress that night.
We have had a few things go on with our house as well. I caught 3 young guys trying to break into our property a few weeks ago. Weeks before that H saw a guy walk out of our side gate (from our side passage) and into a house across the road. There has been other creepy stuff like that.
I am feeling so second rate right now. In 2 months we are having a baby. We have no $. We will need to take out a second mortgage to cover funeral costs and possibly a new car (we currently have a 2 door). I'm not allowed to say or think or feel or express anything negative about his dad's behaviour, not even in my own house.
I said to H last week that I feel like I need a break, that maybe i will try to go to mum's at least one night a week.
I feel so second rate in every way. I am developing depression and feel like no could be on for a pretty hard time when it's born.
No idea what to do or where to turn right now.
I thought of separating for a short time bit it couldn't be a worse time than right now.
We bought and moved into this house at the end of last year, and since then it just feels like so much has happened that has left me feeling unsettled and like my boundaries are just walked all over and my feelings are unimportant.
Tonight the FIL just started making calls inviting a bunch of people over. He was in a panic and thinking he was going to not last through the night. He is toward the end but not that close yet. So I called H to let him know to put his plans on hold while I ran around like an idiot organizing food for God knows how many people, I could only guess, who were about to turn up on my doorstep. It's Friday night and I'm tired but trying to show grace. If this was a one off then it is what it is. But it's not. There have been so many times when he will turn up unannounced, or not turn up when he said he will, or organize a dinner that he knows we will pay for and he sure as hell isn't offering to pay for anything. He's a severe gambler and has been freeloading this whole time. He doesn't think of anyone. He doesn't consider our position, or ask, or offer, he just wants to be king of his life and expect everyone to drop everything and suit him. I know this seems harsh in context of t onight but it's been a pattern of behaviour and i have nowhere to get my feelings out in the open because I'm not allowed to have any negative emotions or thoughts about my H's dad because he's dying.
I have just gone on maternity leave, but have a little while before baby is due. Have been mostly at home caring for FIL and making sure he's OK. I got my pay in lump sum. 2/3 of it is going toward a property related tax bill, I was hoping the remaining 3rd could cover the next six months of mortgage payments. But it won't because we have other things we will need to cover which my husband's income can't cover. Like $7K toward a funeral bill.
So tonight I was having my feelings but fulfilling my duty and cleaning and making all this food. While I was eating, the "fun" started. One of H's uncles mentioned a particular race but i knew it was far from over. It turned onto a racist exchange. I chose to remove myself from his presence and sit with someone else because it was the last thing I needed right now.
About 10 minutes later it all came up again, and this time it was a conversation involving the whole room of people, about 4 people making really racist comments. I am capable of standing up for myself, I am not afraid of his family, but H doesn't like making waves. To his credit, he tried to speak up twice, mentioning that I happen to be part-X, about my grandmother and stuff and the conversation still continued so i went into the kitchen and busied myself to get away from it. I could have spoke up I guess but I felt like it would be one against 10 or 15 and I was trying to remind myself that tonight was for FIL to have quality time with his family. I have heard comments from them before but I think it really got to me that this was my house, my roof, my food, I was serving them all dinner, it just hurt more somehow.
I had a bit of a cry but calmed down and I reappeared later and was going through some photos with H's sister. Then I came across some of his ex in her underwear. So.... Yeah. You know how women remember everything? We had had very specific convos about photos of exes before we got married and moved in. I had gotten rid of mine. He took a while but he said he got rid of them one day and said it was hard to do, gave me this speech about it, but that he had done it. Then tonight the photos he apparently got rid of are making an appearance in my living room while I am pregnant with our first child and his family are slinging racist **** against certain people. (OK so I am white but part aboriginal, and in this country, Australia, everyone seems to have a ****ing opinion on how they are all lazy criminals with no jobs who get free stuff and the rest). My nan lived through the stolen generation and still lives in terror. Sorry but they can all get ****ed saying that **** in my ho use.
Since we have lived here (and during the time FIL stayed with us), my H's wedding ring and my pearl necklace i wore on my wedding day have disappeared. Last time he stayed with is in our old place, my wedding ring went missing. H won't let me bring it up with FIL or ask him about it.
H was unemployed for seven months. Some of that time it was because we were doing major renovations to the house we bought. But when he tried to get work again he had some challenge . During that time we got some things done but honestly we should have been so much further ahead. We are now stuck with a bathroom with no door because the tradie who renovated it left no room for a door swing, and is avoiding coming back to fix it or finish the job after we gave him a part payment.
H started drinking and hiding alcohol but would deny it when I called him out. He also bought cigars for a mate's bucks to but ended up smoking then all. Also, he was looking at porn for months til I found 2 weeks ago.
We went for a pre-baby holiday, and although we don't have a ton of sex at the moment, we did 3 or 4 times and he tried to influence me to do anal stuff, like was doing stuff down there that I had stopped him 3 times and asked him not to and he already knew i didn't want to go there. Then when I got upset he blamed my abuse issues as the reason we don't have sex and for kind of wrecking whatever was in progress that night.
We have had a few things go on with our house as well. I caught 3 young guys trying to break into our property a few weeks ago. Weeks before that H saw a guy walk out of our side gate (from our side passage) and into a house across the road. There has been other creepy stuff like that.
I am feeling so second rate right now. In 2 months we are having a baby. We have no $. We will need to take out a second mortgage to cover funeral costs and possibly a new car (we currently have a 2 door). I'm not allowed to say or think or feel or express anything negative about his dad's behaviour, not even in my own house.
I said to H last week that I feel like I need a break, that maybe i will try to go to mum's at least one night a week.
I feel so second rate in every way. I am developing depression and feel like no could be on for a pretty hard time when it's born.
No idea what to do or where to turn right now.
I thought of separating for a short time bit it couldn't be a worse time than right now.
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How do you think Cavewomen would have communicated?
Okay I realize our understanding of how Cavepeople acted is pretty low, but from a woman's perspective considering how women are all about communicating and talking how do you think cavewomen would've before the advent of language? Would they just sit around grunting at each other? Or help each other in some way?
I watched a video on Cavemen and one part the cavemen captured a cavewoman from a different tribe and once they brought her back the other cave women were not very happy and they said the other cave women could kill the new one, you think it likely?
Silly topic I know but after I watched the video I was curious and figured maybe ladies here have some idea on how cave women would act, lol.
I watched a video on Cavemen and one part the cavemen captured a cavewoman from a different tribe and once they brought her back the other cave women were not very happy and they said the other cave women could kill the new one, you think it likely?
Silly topic I know but after I watched the video I was curious and figured maybe ladies here have some idea on how cave women would act, lol.
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Does anyone suspect that their spouse/partner is unhappy?
As the title says, does anyone here suspect that their spouse/partner is unhappy in the relationship, despite assurances that "everything's fine"? Do you ever think that when the kids are grown and gone or the mortgage is paid off, your spouse will be leaving next? Ever wonder if you won the lottery Monday, they would file for divorce on Tuesday?
Sometimes, like all of us I'm sure, I wonder if their spouse would leave if they had a good excuse. And it feels like nothing you can do will ever "fix" it. You may sense this unhappiness, but if you ask your spouse if anythings wrong, they just say: "No, everything's fine."
I catch myself wondering this from time to time...wondering if my spouse will one day just say that she's been unhappy for a long time, despite the years of "everything's fine", and wants a divorce.
Sometimes, like all of us I'm sure, I wonder if their spouse would leave if they had a good excuse. And it feels like nothing you can do will ever "fix" it. You may sense this unhappiness, but if you ask your spouse if anythings wrong, they just say: "No, everything's fine."
I catch myself wondering this from time to time...wondering if my spouse will one day just say that she's been unhappy for a long time, despite the years of "everything's fine", and wants a divorce.
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What should I do with him?
a few of my husbands habits always bother me, like his lack of respect or care for my feelings. For example today he had a day off and so we decided run errands then go shopping. We had a long day, and we were both tired. Once we were home he did enough little things to irritate me and by the end of it I just wanted to run away from him. The kids were around so I just told him not to talk to me for the rest of the night. He put the kids to sleep and I went off to do dishes, clean up eat my dinner. He comes out after the kids are sleeping and wanted to do it. I had had it, so I said no and was too tired, and upset to have sex with him. He turned right around and went to bed!! I feel irritated that he didn't even care to find our why I was upset, once he found out he isn't getting any he didn't want anything to do with me. This situation happens often, and I usually have to just get over it. He's quite unaffected by any silent treatment. Am I w rong to feel this way? Is this part of marriage and I'm just being too sensitive?
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Looking for support and suggestions.
I wanted to join these forums to find people with similar experiences and to feel like I am not alone in this struggle.
My spouse avoids having sex with me. They say they do not have the same amount of desire as me and that orgasms are difficult. We try no more than twice a month. I have a lot of desire for my spouse and once sought to engage in sex often but felt more and more embarrassed by their growing annoyance for my pursuits.
To compensate, I masturbate at least once a day if not three times a day. My spouse finds masturbation disgusting and would criticize me if they knew I did it at all. Further my spouse will not voluntarily perform sexual acts on my behalf and when I do ask it is always elicited with, at best, a sigh and, at worst, a sharp refusal.
I respect my spouse's low desire but I am hurt that they do not care about my high desire.They say they find me attractive and they enjoy that I desire them so much but they do not see the problem from my perspective. It's come to the point now where I avoid becoming aroused by them, such as every time they undress I now look away or I avoid sleeping too close to them so as not evoke my desires.
I am living on an intimacy island. Every night I imagine ways to elicit arousal from my spouse, I plot out actions I could perform to make them eager for intimacy, but ultimately I know this would never happen. I end my struggle for intimacy by shadow boxing their familiar rejections and our time-tested arguments until I fall asleep having never spoken a word.
If there is anyone else out there who has found a way to get off this island, your advice is most welcome. I know I may not be able to convert their low desire to high desire, but is it possible for them to at least take an interest in my desires for my sake?
My spouse avoids having sex with me. They say they do not have the same amount of desire as me and that orgasms are difficult. We try no more than twice a month. I have a lot of desire for my spouse and once sought to engage in sex often but felt more and more embarrassed by their growing annoyance for my pursuits.
To compensate, I masturbate at least once a day if not three times a day. My spouse finds masturbation disgusting and would criticize me if they knew I did it at all. Further my spouse will not voluntarily perform sexual acts on my behalf and when I do ask it is always elicited with, at best, a sigh and, at worst, a sharp refusal.
I respect my spouse's low desire but I am hurt that they do not care about my high desire.They say they find me attractive and they enjoy that I desire them so much but they do not see the problem from my perspective. It's come to the point now where I avoid becoming aroused by them, such as every time they undress I now look away or I avoid sleeping too close to them so as not evoke my desires.
I am living on an intimacy island. Every night I imagine ways to elicit arousal from my spouse, I plot out actions I could perform to make them eager for intimacy, but ultimately I know this would never happen. I end my struggle for intimacy by shadow boxing their familiar rejections and our time-tested arguments until I fall asleep having never spoken a word.
If there is anyone else out there who has found a way to get off this island, your advice is most welcome. I know I may not be able to convert their low desire to high desire, but is it possible for them to at least take an interest in my desires for my sake?
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How can I live in a miserable marriage?
I don't even think it's important to get into the specifics of why my marriage is awful. No one would fully understand unless they were living it day to day.
We should have left maybe a year into our relationship but kept hanging on, anyway. It seems like it was doomed from the start.
But, as it is today, both of us are extremely unhappy with one another. Miserable, actually. We don't even really fight because neither of us have the energy to. We just simply don't get along. Period. We can't get along.
We've been to counseling. We've tried talking. I've gone to God in prayer. I've tried just accepting our marriage for what it is. It's not even that I think that i'm missing out on someone great, it's not that I think someone out there would be better suited for me. I'm saying, at the core, the foundation of our marriage, we are terrible together. We are so much happier when we don't have to be around one another. It's as if we are from two different planets. After basically doing everything I could to make this fit for the past 9 years, trying to see it from different angles, trying to expect less from it, trying just to get to the point where we can at least occupy the same space without losing it, i've realized that it's just not working. It's not working and we're both losing it.
I just can't imagine spending my life this way. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm a generally happy person as it is. I'm pretty optimistic. So it's not like i'm looking for a replacement. I just want peace. I just want to live peacefully without this constant tension. I feel like I am sleeping with the enemy. It's terrible. And the worst part about it is, there isn't a "happy time" to return to. It's always been this way, it was just easier to cover it up back then when we were younger and more preoccupied by things that didn't matter.
Not only are we not on the same page, we're not even in the same book. We're not even in the same GENRE. We are worlds apart.
How can I live peacefully with someone under these conditions. I don't care about romance. I don't care about affection. I've stopped expecting that long ago. I just want to exist under the same roof with him without wanting to knock his head off everyday.
We are both Christians, very very far from one another in our walk. But still, we're both walking. I just don't know what else to do. I've done everything I can think of and i'm just miserable. It becomes harder and harder to block the negativity out and ignore the little comments and passive aggression and what not. I try, believe me. Talking gets nowhere. I just need peace.
Are any of you living peacefully in a loveless, unhappy marriage? Any suggestions?
We should have left maybe a year into our relationship but kept hanging on, anyway. It seems like it was doomed from the start.
But, as it is today, both of us are extremely unhappy with one another. Miserable, actually. We don't even really fight because neither of us have the energy to. We just simply don't get along. Period. We can't get along.
We've been to counseling. We've tried talking. I've gone to God in prayer. I've tried just accepting our marriage for what it is. It's not even that I think that i'm missing out on someone great, it's not that I think someone out there would be better suited for me. I'm saying, at the core, the foundation of our marriage, we are terrible together. We are so much happier when we don't have to be around one another. It's as if we are from two different planets. After basically doing everything I could to make this fit for the past 9 years, trying to see it from different angles, trying to expect less from it, trying just to get to the point where we can at least occupy the same space without losing it, i've realized that it's just not working. It's not working and we're both losing it.
I just can't imagine spending my life this way. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm a generally happy person as it is. I'm pretty optimistic. So it's not like i'm looking for a replacement. I just want peace. I just want to live peacefully without this constant tension. I feel like I am sleeping with the enemy. It's terrible. And the worst part about it is, there isn't a "happy time" to return to. It's always been this way, it was just easier to cover it up back then when we were younger and more preoccupied by things that didn't matter.
Not only are we not on the same page, we're not even in the same book. We're not even in the same GENRE. We are worlds apart.
How can I live peacefully with someone under these conditions. I don't care about romance. I don't care about affection. I've stopped expecting that long ago. I just want to exist under the same roof with him without wanting to knock his head off everyday.
We are both Christians, very very far from one another in our walk. But still, we're both walking. I just don't know what else to do. I've done everything I can think of and i'm just miserable. It becomes harder and harder to block the negativity out and ignore the little comments and passive aggression and what not. I try, believe me. Talking gets nowhere. I just need peace.
Are any of you living peacefully in a loveless, unhappy marriage? Any suggestions?
Put the internet to work for you.
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