| Please no flaming, this is just food for thought. I'm an anonymous internet user with a ****ty life, giving you my feelings about how I dealt with my situation and how I feel later so you can maybe avoid some pitfalls. Doesn't mean I think I'm right, or wrong. Just that, I regret exposure, and maybe you will too, so read this and think first.
Stbx had an EA (that he admitted to, and backtracked on), I suspect more but for me an EA was enough damage. We attempted therapy and R but it was never sincere on his part. He hurt me and shut me down a lot. Things even got physical between us, I actually hit him when he spit on me one day. Things got very ugly and very heated super quick. In his attempt to justify his actions, he blamed me, my weight, he never loved me, if he cared he'd never have done what he'd done, etc. And what I didn't realize was he kept blaming me. Even when he blamed himself, he blamed me. And then I exploded. I exposed him to everyone I could because I wanted it to end, and I wanted to hurt him by exposing that he was a cheating lying bastard. Which is how I felt about him then. I wanted sole custody, I was disgusted at the thought of him. Etc. No need for all the details here, if you're going through CWI, you know how this goes.
Point is, every few days, I'd wake up and figure, what the hell happened to me and my life? How did i become a Jerry Springer show? Like, exposing him to family and friends in an effort to stop this and to turn on the light just hurt him and alienated both of us from our friends. I feel like ****. Maybe he is a piece of crap and maybe he deserved to be exposed. And he had no right to cheat, but people **** up all the time. I had no right to shame someone who used to be the love of my life one day in the public way I did. I understand why I did it, I was hurt and rejected and mad and angry. I felt justified then, but now I feel like ****. The guilt is eating me up. I realize our relationship was something that would've been worth saving, and he didn't want to save it. And I'm worth a man who wants to save it. I'm beautiful (starting to believe it, anyway), I'm a good mom, a good cook, a decent person, a hardworking person, a decent friend. I deserve someone who loves me. And I think most of us who are exposing and trying to R think we don't. That we deserved the cheating somehow and the half-ass love. You deserve more. And so do they (more than the shaming I mean, because you married them at one point. That means at one point, you thought they were good people). No matter what their reasons for cheating (sex addiction, *******ness, etc), their cheating was wrong. But, is it really an indication that they are overall ****ty people? Trust me, this more peaceful thought took about a year to come by, so it's not like I'm pretending to be Mother Theresa here.
Point is. Yes, exposure might help end the affair. But it's messy and you'll probably alienate a lot of people. If your spouse is cheating, move out. In my case, that wasn't possible. But in most cases, you can. Move in with a friend, relative, motel, hostel, convent. Something. I wish I did.
For me, the exposure wasn't worth it. Because i live daily with the guilt. Exposing him to our friends was good for the moment, I felt like I won. But who gives a ****. He was abusive during our relationship (verbally and mentally) and after this bitterness I realized it and exposed that too. Point is, he ****ed up. Bad. But I ruined his chances with his support system just so I validate that he wasn't good. I think we all know, if your spouse cheats, they're not good for you at that time. That doesn't mean they're evil, or bad, just going through a bad time, or a bad phase, and they're hurting you. You need to decide wether this is a one time thing you need to forgive and can forgive, or if this is the light you needed to expose the fact that the relationship wasn't good anyway and it was time to move on. Now that the dust is settling on mine, I feel OK with this ending. The romantic in me wanted this to work, but the realist realizes, he was never good. He was and is withh olding and judgmental, and I need a different kind of man. Without the affair, I'd never have realized that I was OK to feel the way I did, and that I did deserve better. So while the affair feels like the worst thing to have ever happened to you, and trust me it will for a while, it might not be. It might be your saving grace out of a crap relationship. Just don't ruin everything around you in the meantime.
Hugs to you, this journey sucks. |
