I love my wife and I want to find a way to reconnect but a few months ago my patience with her ended and I have been honest with how I feel for the first time in a long while and its tearing us apart.
My wife does not work.
My wife does not keep the house clean( I do my part in not helping, but work 40 hours a week, and during tax season have two jobs)
My wife and I do not have any kids together,(I have 9 year old from previous, she has 5 year old, neither gets along great with EX, we get along better with her EX then we do with mine) Kids get along great.
Things were ok until we moved and rent increased $450 a month. Before then we had enough money but we both wanted to move closer to where are kids other half's lived.
At the time we agreed that we could only move if she could make $400 a month, in other words pay for groceries. We moved and she started the first real job that she had ever had. Started making $2000 a month. Did the math and new we could pay off X bills if she could work for 6 months with that extra income. She lasted 60 days. Got let go for calling out too many times.
Fast forward two years. She hasn't made $400 in a month more than a hand full of times and about 6 months ago I declared bankruptcy. I don't blame her for the bankruptcy. I blame myself for not putting my foot down sooner.
I don't know what to call it, maybe patience, but i didn't stress just how upsetting her not working was making me. I kept it bottled up inside, distanced myself. Which in turn led her to being unfaithful. Just how unfaithful I will never know. At worst, full blown affair. At best inappropriate facebook/texting communication. It bothers me everyday but I watch too much porn so I understand wanting some outside fantasy. Either way not a deal breaker, it is one thing I believe we have been able to talk about honestly and have mostly moved past it.
Now i have a fuse that is so short I could explode for the smallest things. I have even said "I have no more patience for you". In my mind the pattern goes something like this....
"We don't have any kids together, you turned down child support from your EX, while I pay mine a small fortune, you aren't keeping the house clean, you aren't working, you cheated on me and you regularly talk back to me, not too mention you get physical when we argue, just give me one reason to look at you like your aren't completely useless"
Sounds terrible, right? Why am I still married?
I was a Marine. I have been to Iraq. I have a full time time job. I am a christian, I like to think of myself as a good person. I am also a procrastintor (should be cleaning right now), my personal hygiene is like I am still in the Marines, and impulsive. I also have lied when faced with questions from my wife that I don't feel she has any right to ask. Such as did you "mastrubate today", or "did you put on deodarant". I would never put myself in a situation where i had to lie about where i was or who i was with or anything not related to something in my opinion that was trivial"
I understand how frustrated she may be with a few of my faults and I wouldn't have a problem addressing them in a kind way, like I did for so long.
But now, my reaction is "who are you to tell me how to live my life" I bit my tounge for years, thinking there is no good in bashing someone for there faults, accept someone for who they are. If you don't have anything nice to day, don't say anything at all. That was my motto. But it wasn't patience, it was apathy. I was pretending that the things she did/does didn't bother me.
Then I woke up. It was gradually but she had so many hurtful things to me, that one day i joined the fight. I told her the truth, that she is a child in a women's body, with no idea how to care for herself. Called her an awful person, selfish spoiled brat. Talked to her parents who blamed themselves for spoiling her and seemed to understand my frustrations.
No one but my closest friends knows this much. My family is concerned but their bias towards me makes them useless to talk to. While my friends think I'm crazy for putting up with it.
I'm not putting up with it anymore. "Get a job, clean the house, stop talking back, bear me a child, worship the lord" Pick one, do something with your life that has value greater than yourself." Give me a reason to choose to love you again.
I believe love is a choice
Funny thing is. The more I push the issue, the more grownup responses i see. She is now actively looking for work the way she should be, She is now cleaning the house more. She is talking back less. But until I see consistency, i am stuck in my temperant of resentment. I am hopeful that will change in the future.
But until then how do i live with her like this? I think the best thing for her would be to separate. Let her become independent, but even that is impractical as she has nowhere to go. She is stuck, she knows it. I am stuck, I know it.
In summary. I feel like I am lying if I show her any patience because the only way I know how to do that is by being indifferent, uncaring, and losing all desire to be with her.
There has to be a better way!:frown2:
My wife does not work.
My wife does not keep the house clean( I do my part in not helping, but work 40 hours a week, and during tax season have two jobs)
My wife and I do not have any kids together,(I have 9 year old from previous, she has 5 year old, neither gets along great with EX, we get along better with her EX then we do with mine) Kids get along great.
Things were ok until we moved and rent increased $450 a month. Before then we had enough money but we both wanted to move closer to where are kids other half's lived.
At the time we agreed that we could only move if she could make $400 a month, in other words pay for groceries. We moved and she started the first real job that she had ever had. Started making $2000 a month. Did the math and new we could pay off X bills if she could work for 6 months with that extra income. She lasted 60 days. Got let go for calling out too many times.
Fast forward two years. She hasn't made $400 in a month more than a hand full of times and about 6 months ago I declared bankruptcy. I don't blame her for the bankruptcy. I blame myself for not putting my foot down sooner.
I don't know what to call it, maybe patience, but i didn't stress just how upsetting her not working was making me. I kept it bottled up inside, distanced myself. Which in turn led her to being unfaithful. Just how unfaithful I will never know. At worst, full blown affair. At best inappropriate facebook/texting communication. It bothers me everyday but I watch too much porn so I understand wanting some outside fantasy. Either way not a deal breaker, it is one thing I believe we have been able to talk about honestly and have mostly moved past it.
Now i have a fuse that is so short I could explode for the smallest things. I have even said "I have no more patience for you". In my mind the pattern goes something like this....
"We don't have any kids together, you turned down child support from your EX, while I pay mine a small fortune, you aren't keeping the house clean, you aren't working, you cheated on me and you regularly talk back to me, not too mention you get physical when we argue, just give me one reason to look at you like your aren't completely useless"
Sounds terrible, right? Why am I still married?
I was a Marine. I have been to Iraq. I have a full time time job. I am a christian, I like to think of myself as a good person. I am also a procrastintor (should be cleaning right now), my personal hygiene is like I am still in the Marines, and impulsive. I also have lied when faced with questions from my wife that I don't feel she has any right to ask. Such as did you "mastrubate today", or "did you put on deodarant". I would never put myself in a situation where i had to lie about where i was or who i was with or anything not related to something in my opinion that was trivial"
I understand how frustrated she may be with a few of my faults and I wouldn't have a problem addressing them in a kind way, like I did for so long.
But now, my reaction is "who are you to tell me how to live my life" I bit my tounge for years, thinking there is no good in bashing someone for there faults, accept someone for who they are. If you don't have anything nice to day, don't say anything at all. That was my motto. But it wasn't patience, it was apathy. I was pretending that the things she did/does didn't bother me.
Then I woke up. It was gradually but she had so many hurtful things to me, that one day i joined the fight. I told her the truth, that she is a child in a women's body, with no idea how to care for herself. Called her an awful person, selfish spoiled brat. Talked to her parents who blamed themselves for spoiling her and seemed to understand my frustrations.
No one but my closest friends knows this much. My family is concerned but their bias towards me makes them useless to talk to. While my friends think I'm crazy for putting up with it.
I'm not putting up with it anymore. "Get a job, clean the house, stop talking back, bear me a child, worship the lord" Pick one, do something with your life that has value greater than yourself." Give me a reason to choose to love you again.
I believe love is a choice
Funny thing is. The more I push the issue, the more grownup responses i see. She is now actively looking for work the way she should be, She is now cleaning the house more. She is talking back less. But until I see consistency, i am stuck in my temperant of resentment. I am hopeful that will change in the future.
But until then how do i live with her like this? I think the best thing for her would be to separate. Let her become independent, but even that is impractical as she has nowhere to go. She is stuck, she knows it. I am stuck, I know it.
In summary. I feel like I am lying if I show her any patience because the only way I know how to do that is by being indifferent, uncaring, and losing all desire to be with her.
There has to be a better way!:frown2:
Put the internet to work for you.
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