Hi,
I'm a mature PhD student who also works part-time. I'm from a country where being gay is not acceptable, I'm 27 now and I find it really hard to be because, living in the UK, I feel like I've missed out a lot, and I'm finding it really hard to find a partner.
Until I was 23 I hated every single day of my life. I wasn't myself and I didn't want anyone in the world to know who I was. I hated myself every single day. When I was a student, I felt lonely, misunderstood, in the wrong place… I didn't go out, I hardly had any friends, and most of my friends were friends with me because they felt sorry for me. I put on a mask, I was hating life. When I came out, my best mate was making me even more self-conscious by trying to work me out and find the right label for me. When I came to England, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was in an accepting environment. I felt like I could be who I was, without people judging me. But then I was already 23. I had missed my years as a student. I had missed the years in which it is socially acceptable to experiment, to go partying, to get absolutely rat-arsed. Now I feel like I missed the chance of my life. I missed the most precious years of my life. Those years, when people forgive you for being insensible. When people say 'He/she is just a kid'. When people almost expect you to misbehave. I feel that now, at my age, in my job, people frown upon people who behave the way I behave (or the way I'd like to behave).Most people my age have a partner (or have had at least one serious partner in their life). I'm just behaving like a 19 year old who is still trying to find themselves. That's because, in a way, I'm still that 19 year old. And I wish I really could that 19 year old again (or rather: for once).I feel like I just chucked the most important years of my life. The years in which I could try to find out who I am. The years in which there were other people who felt the way I felt (and still feel). I feel like everyone is settled now (apart from me), and it's just ridiculous to feel the insecurity that I'm still feeling every day. I feel like people my age (especially people in England, who grew up in an accepting and supportive society) can't really understand the way I feel, still, at my age.
Sorry about this rant. I'm not really sure what I was trying to achieve with this post. Just needed to get things off my chest.
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