I know this is long, and I've posted a similar thread before, but I am quite desperate. I want to give this to my wife. Should I? My wife has checked out of our life. But, she does not think she has. She thinks her behavior is normal and thinks there is nothing wrong with her being gone for 40 days so far this year on personal trips. She's a stay at home mom with pretty sever Rheumatoid Arthritis. Our kids are 12 and 9. I don't think she is cheating on me, but I am beginning to wonder. She goes on these trips and does not seem to spend enough money. So she is getting money from a source I don't know about. This worries me a lot.
I have to wonder is our marriage valuable to you? Is our family? Are our children? What exactly do you care about and how do you demonstrate that?
A central problem is this: you went to marriage counseling and learned that your husband is unhappy with the amount of engagement you have in our house. Your response? You leave on 5 trips in a space of three months. Three of these trips happen during the week when your husband is at work! This year here are your trips:
• New Mexico on or around July 27-August 2
• New Mexico on or around June 25
• New Mexico on or around June 13-15
• New Mexico on or around May 18-19
• W. Falls on or around May 4-6
• Washington March 12-18 (This is to see family. It is a different kind of trip.)
• New Mexico on or around January 12-13.
Notice how these trips become more frequent after our marriage counseling starts?
Now, you might be thinking that I gave permission or a blessing for you to go on these trips. I did. But what was I supposed to do? Once you ask, I have no choice but to "let" you go. I want to be clear on this: what concerns me is not that you go, but that you want to go. Not that you would not go if I said I did not want you to go, but rather that you ask in the first place. Your desire to leave for so long and so often makes me question your commitment to me, our kids, our family, and our home.
What exactly do you think this does to our children? I know they are safe at home by themselves. I know our kids are responsible. I know I am just a few minutes away. But that is not the only concern. I feel less loved when you go. I feel that you do not value me when you want to be gone over 10% of the time. What do you think they think?
I think they think they are not valued. And I think that is damaging them.
(Safety is an issue as well. Our children are 9 and 12. They cannot supervise themselves for so long, yet you expect them to. This is not leaving them alone for a few hours while you go to the grocery store. You are leaving them all day while I am at work. For days at a time.)
It is not just the trips. It is your behavior all the time. Your behavior is not that of someone who values her family.
For example, leading up to your most recent trip, you kept saying how you were going to spent time the youngest. Did you really? On the Saturday before you left for 6 days, you went to get your oil changed. You were gone for 4 hours. After you went to get the oil changed (which might have taken a while since you did it a Wal Mart instead of the quick change place) you went to see someone's garden. The only reason you came home when you did was because you were sick. If you had not gotten sick, who knows when you would have come home.
I question you on this, and your response is, "You get the oil changed next time if you want it done." Well. It is you that wants to go on a trip, not me. You are a stay at home mom. There is no reason why you should not get the oil changed. But even that point is moot. You did other things than just get the oil changed. You went to a friend's house while your daughter was waiting for you to come home.
There is more. The Sunday before you were going to leave for 6 days, you went to get your nails done with another friend. You were gone for 5 hours. You accuse me of "not wanting to do anything with you." But this is not true. I had plans with you. I told you I wanted to go to open houses, and you agreed. You dismissed these plans and then claimed they never existed. All this while your daughter was waiting for you at home.
There is more. When you did get home, you spent long periods of time on the phone. When I wanted to take our daughter to play with her, you said you were with her. But I don't think talking on the phone while the girl was playing by herself is really what our daughter was expecting.
There is more. On the day you leave you took your friend to the doctor. More time away from your family with your kids unsupervised. Again, this is not so much as a safety issue with the kids as it is you revealing how much you value them with your actions and your choices. Are they a priority?
There is more. On the weekend before your surgery, you "kept" an additional child. And I mean "kept" loosely. It looks like our daughter watched her more than you did. This child was kept all night one night and an entire additional day. What are your priorities?
You work out, which you know I support. But it almost always seems to take 2 hours or more. It is not uncommon for you to work out and be gone for 4 hours.
I know you will misinterpret these words. I know you will think that I don't want you to go with friends, to go out of town, to go work out, etc. That is not what I am saying at all. Not even remotely. But there is an extensive pattern. Any of these things in isolation or in moderation would be fine. But all of them together is not acceptable.
I am tired of coming home for lunch at 11:30 and finding you in bed. You need to cope with your disease better and more carefully control your bedtime habits. I know I don't understand. But I know other people who have RA who live their life. I don't want my kids to fix their own lunch everyday if I can't come home. Again, you don't seem to be tied to the bed when you want to do something. If you've needed to get up and leave for your purpose, you seem to find a way. (You slept through a marriage counseling appointment at 1:00.)
You have changed in the last 2 years. Your friends that have kids are now all divorced. Their families could not tolerate what was going on, and I don't see how ours can much longer either. Your friends have been drunks, cheaters, and drug users. Now you have friends that do not have kids. No one else has the time to do what you do. Furthermore, you never have friends for very long. Something is happening. You are either burning them out or are choosing friends very unwisely. Can you not see this?
You used to not want to be friends with anyone who did not have kids the same age are ours because there were "not in the same stage of life" as you were. Now you are the opposite. What happened?
You used to be at the school all the time, helping out. Now you never are. What happened?
You used to be involved at church. But now you have made no effort to even attend. What happened?
Your smoking bothers me. I find it disgusting. I don't want to be around it. I don't want your smelly clothes in my hamper or closet after you've done it. I don't want you in the bed after you've done it. (It is worse when you do it than it is when you are around someone who does.) I mean you did not get hooked when you were 18 and can't stop now. You chose to do it when you were a full adult.
The other day after you had smoked, you were insistent I kiss you. This was rubbing my face in it. It was very rude (your favorite word.) I don't care to kiss you after you've smoked.
How long do you think it will be until the kids find out you smoke?
I can't lie to my work anymore. Tobacco users have higher health insurance and life insurance rates. Who pays for this? 40 dollars per month plus the cost of the cigarettes. Do we take money away from our vacations? Resources away from our kids? Where does this money come from? Add the fact is something happens where there is not employer provided health insurance, smoking causes a 50% surcharge on insurance premiums. That would be an incredible discouragement for me to change careers. That is not going to happen, but you never know.
Lastly, and most importantly, smoking interferes with your RA medication, even if you do a little bit. Do your doctors know you smoke? They might need to adjust your meds if they know. And I'm sure they'd urge you to quit.
I know you have RA. I know you are in pain. I know this limits your ability to do things. But it seems to not affect many of the things you want to do. This, combined with the smoking, makes me wonder about what your priorities are. I don't think I am a priority. And I don't think our kids are a priority for you either. What do you do on a regular, systematic basis for the rest of us? I can answer that question. Can you?
You son does not think you respect him. Or me. And he does not like it. You blame ME for how he treats YOU. But he sees how you treat me. And I don't blame him one bit for paying you no respect. And it's not my fault. Soon your daughter will treat you the same. I don't want either one of them to think your behavior is normal.
The bottom line is we need more counseling. I know you did not like Deanna. I don't want to return to her. She took my side. But given what your pattern has been for the last two years, I really don't see how any neutral observer would conclude otherwise?
You'd better find another one.
You claim that I am controlling. No one is going to agree with you. You come and go as you please. You have full access to finances. You have been encouraged and supported to start business and to go to school. You have access to friends and family. You have your own bank accounts, something that even I do not have. I keep no secrets from you. You know where I am all the time. I can't say the same.
Something profound has happened to you in the last two years.
What?
I have to wonder is our marriage valuable to you? Is our family? Are our children? What exactly do you care about and how do you demonstrate that?
A central problem is this: you went to marriage counseling and learned that your husband is unhappy with the amount of engagement you have in our house. Your response? You leave on 5 trips in a space of three months. Three of these trips happen during the week when your husband is at work! This year here are your trips:
• New Mexico on or around July 27-August 2
• New Mexico on or around June 25
• New Mexico on or around June 13-15
• New Mexico on or around May 18-19
• W. Falls on or around May 4-6
• Washington March 12-18 (This is to see family. It is a different kind of trip.)
• New Mexico on or around January 12-13.
Notice how these trips become more frequent after our marriage counseling starts?
Now, you might be thinking that I gave permission or a blessing for you to go on these trips. I did. But what was I supposed to do? Once you ask, I have no choice but to "let" you go. I want to be clear on this: what concerns me is not that you go, but that you want to go. Not that you would not go if I said I did not want you to go, but rather that you ask in the first place. Your desire to leave for so long and so often makes me question your commitment to me, our kids, our family, and our home.
What exactly do you think this does to our children? I know they are safe at home by themselves. I know our kids are responsible. I know I am just a few minutes away. But that is not the only concern. I feel less loved when you go. I feel that you do not value me when you want to be gone over 10% of the time. What do you think they think?
I think they think they are not valued. And I think that is damaging them.
(Safety is an issue as well. Our children are 9 and 12. They cannot supervise themselves for so long, yet you expect them to. This is not leaving them alone for a few hours while you go to the grocery store. You are leaving them all day while I am at work. For days at a time.)
It is not just the trips. It is your behavior all the time. Your behavior is not that of someone who values her family.
For example, leading up to your most recent trip, you kept saying how you were going to spent time the youngest. Did you really? On the Saturday before you left for 6 days, you went to get your oil changed. You were gone for 4 hours. After you went to get the oil changed (which might have taken a while since you did it a Wal Mart instead of the quick change place) you went to see someone's garden. The only reason you came home when you did was because you were sick. If you had not gotten sick, who knows when you would have come home.
I question you on this, and your response is, "You get the oil changed next time if you want it done." Well. It is you that wants to go on a trip, not me. You are a stay at home mom. There is no reason why you should not get the oil changed. But even that point is moot. You did other things than just get the oil changed. You went to a friend's house while your daughter was waiting for you to come home.
There is more. The Sunday before you were going to leave for 6 days, you went to get your nails done with another friend. You were gone for 5 hours. You accuse me of "not wanting to do anything with you." But this is not true. I had plans with you. I told you I wanted to go to open houses, and you agreed. You dismissed these plans and then claimed they never existed. All this while your daughter was waiting for you at home.
There is more. When you did get home, you spent long periods of time on the phone. When I wanted to take our daughter to play with her, you said you were with her. But I don't think talking on the phone while the girl was playing by herself is really what our daughter was expecting.
There is more. On the day you leave you took your friend to the doctor. More time away from your family with your kids unsupervised. Again, this is not so much as a safety issue with the kids as it is you revealing how much you value them with your actions and your choices. Are they a priority?
There is more. On the weekend before your surgery, you "kept" an additional child. And I mean "kept" loosely. It looks like our daughter watched her more than you did. This child was kept all night one night and an entire additional day. What are your priorities?
You work out, which you know I support. But it almost always seems to take 2 hours or more. It is not uncommon for you to work out and be gone for 4 hours.
I know you will misinterpret these words. I know you will think that I don't want you to go with friends, to go out of town, to go work out, etc. That is not what I am saying at all. Not even remotely. But there is an extensive pattern. Any of these things in isolation or in moderation would be fine. But all of them together is not acceptable.
I am tired of coming home for lunch at 11:30 and finding you in bed. You need to cope with your disease better and more carefully control your bedtime habits. I know I don't understand. But I know other people who have RA who live their life. I don't want my kids to fix their own lunch everyday if I can't come home. Again, you don't seem to be tied to the bed when you want to do something. If you've needed to get up and leave for your purpose, you seem to find a way. (You slept through a marriage counseling appointment at 1:00.)
You have changed in the last 2 years. Your friends that have kids are now all divorced. Their families could not tolerate what was going on, and I don't see how ours can much longer either. Your friends have been drunks, cheaters, and drug users. Now you have friends that do not have kids. No one else has the time to do what you do. Furthermore, you never have friends for very long. Something is happening. You are either burning them out or are choosing friends very unwisely. Can you not see this?
You used to not want to be friends with anyone who did not have kids the same age are ours because there were "not in the same stage of life" as you were. Now you are the opposite. What happened?
You used to be at the school all the time, helping out. Now you never are. What happened?
You used to be involved at church. But now you have made no effort to even attend. What happened?
Your smoking bothers me. I find it disgusting. I don't want to be around it. I don't want your smelly clothes in my hamper or closet after you've done it. I don't want you in the bed after you've done it. (It is worse when you do it than it is when you are around someone who does.) I mean you did not get hooked when you were 18 and can't stop now. You chose to do it when you were a full adult.
The other day after you had smoked, you were insistent I kiss you. This was rubbing my face in it. It was very rude (your favorite word.) I don't care to kiss you after you've smoked.
How long do you think it will be until the kids find out you smoke?
I can't lie to my work anymore. Tobacco users have higher health insurance and life insurance rates. Who pays for this? 40 dollars per month plus the cost of the cigarettes. Do we take money away from our vacations? Resources away from our kids? Where does this money come from? Add the fact is something happens where there is not employer provided health insurance, smoking causes a 50% surcharge on insurance premiums. That would be an incredible discouragement for me to change careers. That is not going to happen, but you never know.
Lastly, and most importantly, smoking interferes with your RA medication, even if you do a little bit. Do your doctors know you smoke? They might need to adjust your meds if they know. And I'm sure they'd urge you to quit.
I know you have RA. I know you are in pain. I know this limits your ability to do things. But it seems to not affect many of the things you want to do. This, combined with the smoking, makes me wonder about what your priorities are. I don't think I am a priority. And I don't think our kids are a priority for you either. What do you do on a regular, systematic basis for the rest of us? I can answer that question. Can you?
You son does not think you respect him. Or me. And he does not like it. You blame ME for how he treats YOU. But he sees how you treat me. And I don't blame him one bit for paying you no respect. And it's not my fault. Soon your daughter will treat you the same. I don't want either one of them to think your behavior is normal.
The bottom line is we need more counseling. I know you did not like Deanna. I don't want to return to her. She took my side. But given what your pattern has been for the last two years, I really don't see how any neutral observer would conclude otherwise?
You'd better find another one.
You claim that I am controlling. No one is going to agree with you. You come and go as you please. You have full access to finances. You have been encouraged and supported to start business and to go to school. You have access to friends and family. You have your own bank accounts, something that even I do not have. I keep no secrets from you. You know where I am all the time. I can't say the same.
Something profound has happened to you in the last two years.
What?
Put the internet to work for you.
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