Long time lurker - first time writer.
My wife and I have been married 10yrs. Before we were married, and into the first year of marriage, we had quite a few arguments over the male friends she had at the time - including her ex boyfriend, and her expectation to still spend time with them and communicate. In pretty short order I was able to make her understand that for me, this was a dealbreaker and had to stop, and it did. She's even remarked over the years that since we have been married - how quickly her "male friends" dropped off the face of the earth - which seems to support what I've said to her all along - that most guys just stick around as long as there is hope for some attention from a woman.. men are hunters more than they are relationship seekers.
For the last 9 years, I've never had a reason to think there was anything inappropriate going on. She has kept relationships with men to a minimum, and in the workplace she doesnt really mingle. We each have work, a family, children, a home and a life and we are constantly busy with each other and all of that. Our priority is at home.
A couple of years ago though, she had to go on a business trip that included her director (who consequently she often says reminds her of me). I didnt think anything of it. She called me from the hotel that night and said she had one drink with the team in the lobby (that included her director who was staying in the same hotel) and was on her way to her room alone. Before the trip, she had been under consideration for a position as a manager working for the director and was excited about the position - it was all she talked about for weeks - and going on the trip was a confirmation that she was likely to get the job. She came home, and a few days later, her company hired another woman to fill the position... and my wife was crushed. For weeks, all I heard was anger toward this other woman - how much she hated her, refused to get along with her, and how mad she was at her director for hiring the other woman instead. Some nights over a glass of wine she even cried about it, whi ch was strange to me because she is not a person who cries easily.
Since then, the woman who ended up with the position has been expected to spend many business trips with the director on a regular basis and has basically abandoned her husband and children for business. The people in my wife's workplace even joke that the woman they hired is having an affair with the director, because they are out of the office continually at the same time - even on vacation days and lunch hours. I've tried to point out to my wife that shes actually quite fortunate not to have gotten the job because they would have expected the same from her... but it has taken 2 years for her to settle down over it.
Then, last fall, my wife had to travel overseas for business for a little over a week. She called me from work when she found out about it and told me that the trip would be coming, and I asked her if anyone else was going, and she said no. Then over and over for weeks she talked about how she would be travelling alone - and even the night before she left at dinner, the same. But when she went to bed that night, I scanned her work phone and found a few emails where she was telling a guy she worked with that he should stay in the same hotel that she's staying in overseas, on the same days she would be there, and discussing that she would drive him to and from the office over there. She was helping him work out the details with the travel department as well. I lost my mind. I came to bed feeling like I would throw up and eventually I ended up confronting her in bed. She said that she had been telling me she would be alone over there because she wasnt sure if the other guy was g oing on the trip, and that as such, she had been telling me the truth... but, it shook me really bad. When she left I was a wreck. I was bringing up all of her old male friends from a long time ago and how I didnt trust the way this went down. I tried to hold it together for the kids but every time she and I talked - I felt like I would throw up - because if she would omit an entire person going on the trip with her - what else would she omit?
we spoke daily in her evening hours and she said she was in her hotel. Her director here told her before she left that he had expected her to "go out" with the team over there for their late night partying on the town - but she swears to me she did not go out the entire time except to have dinner on her own - and that her director here didnt talk to her for two months afterward because of it. She did end up driving the other guy to and from work from the hotel, though. She said he was hung over every day.
When she came home it was weird, we had the need for immediate sex right after she came in and walked into the bedroom. She attacked me immediately.
Then, in the next weeks, it was back to normal. Taking kids to extra curricular activities, work, home, vacations, everything has been normal. Winter, spring, and now summer. I see when I look at her email that she is still working with this guy pretty regularly, but she always tells me she does not really interface with him, which is odd.
Both situations still irritate me, and I think about them when I am alone. Would anyone else feel weird about these two situations - or is it just me being paranoid from where she and I began years ago with her male friends hanging around? I'm lost at this point.
Thanks for your insight.
My wife and I have been married 10yrs. Before we were married, and into the first year of marriage, we had quite a few arguments over the male friends she had at the time - including her ex boyfriend, and her expectation to still spend time with them and communicate. In pretty short order I was able to make her understand that for me, this was a dealbreaker and had to stop, and it did. She's even remarked over the years that since we have been married - how quickly her "male friends" dropped off the face of the earth - which seems to support what I've said to her all along - that most guys just stick around as long as there is hope for some attention from a woman.. men are hunters more than they are relationship seekers.
For the last 9 years, I've never had a reason to think there was anything inappropriate going on. She has kept relationships with men to a minimum, and in the workplace she doesnt really mingle. We each have work, a family, children, a home and a life and we are constantly busy with each other and all of that. Our priority is at home.
A couple of years ago though, she had to go on a business trip that included her director (who consequently she often says reminds her of me). I didnt think anything of it. She called me from the hotel that night and said she had one drink with the team in the lobby (that included her director who was staying in the same hotel) and was on her way to her room alone. Before the trip, she had been under consideration for a position as a manager working for the director and was excited about the position - it was all she talked about for weeks - and going on the trip was a confirmation that she was likely to get the job. She came home, and a few days later, her company hired another woman to fill the position... and my wife was crushed. For weeks, all I heard was anger toward this other woman - how much she hated her, refused to get along with her, and how mad she was at her director for hiring the other woman instead. Some nights over a glass of wine she even cried about it, whi ch was strange to me because she is not a person who cries easily.
Since then, the woman who ended up with the position has been expected to spend many business trips with the director on a regular basis and has basically abandoned her husband and children for business. The people in my wife's workplace even joke that the woman they hired is having an affair with the director, because they are out of the office continually at the same time - even on vacation days and lunch hours. I've tried to point out to my wife that shes actually quite fortunate not to have gotten the job because they would have expected the same from her... but it has taken 2 years for her to settle down over it.
Then, last fall, my wife had to travel overseas for business for a little over a week. She called me from work when she found out about it and told me that the trip would be coming, and I asked her if anyone else was going, and she said no. Then over and over for weeks she talked about how she would be travelling alone - and even the night before she left at dinner, the same. But when she went to bed that night, I scanned her work phone and found a few emails where she was telling a guy she worked with that he should stay in the same hotel that she's staying in overseas, on the same days she would be there, and discussing that she would drive him to and from the office over there. She was helping him work out the details with the travel department as well. I lost my mind. I came to bed feeling like I would throw up and eventually I ended up confronting her in bed. She said that she had been telling me she would be alone over there because she wasnt sure if the other guy was g oing on the trip, and that as such, she had been telling me the truth... but, it shook me really bad. When she left I was a wreck. I was bringing up all of her old male friends from a long time ago and how I didnt trust the way this went down. I tried to hold it together for the kids but every time she and I talked - I felt like I would throw up - because if she would omit an entire person going on the trip with her - what else would she omit?
we spoke daily in her evening hours and she said she was in her hotel. Her director here told her before she left that he had expected her to "go out" with the team over there for their late night partying on the town - but she swears to me she did not go out the entire time except to have dinner on her own - and that her director here didnt talk to her for two months afterward because of it. She did end up driving the other guy to and from work from the hotel, though. She said he was hung over every day.
When she came home it was weird, we had the need for immediate sex right after she came in and walked into the bedroom. She attacked me immediately.
Then, in the next weeks, it was back to normal. Taking kids to extra curricular activities, work, home, vacations, everything has been normal. Winter, spring, and now summer. I see when I look at her email that she is still working with this guy pretty regularly, but she always tells me she does not really interface with him, which is odd.
Both situations still irritate me, and I think about them when I am alone. Would anyone else feel weird about these two situations - or is it just me being paranoid from where she and I began years ago with her male friends hanging around? I'm lost at this point.
Thanks for your insight.
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