Hello,
I have such a long and sad story to write here... but I will try to make it short and to the point. I would greatly appreciate your insights.
I will start with what happened in 2011 -- I had an emotional and sexual affair with a guy that lasted 6 months. After my husband found out he was devastated and wanted to divorce but I didn't want that. I was sorry, I stopped the affair (which was on it's way out) and I wanted to recover my marriage. I thought that we managed that -- in time we started to forget and move on. But there were two main issues: 1) I was stressed out with my career, and this was amplified by the fact that I had been the main provider in the household since we married (in 2004). 2) I had a major health problem that required treatment for 2 years.
Because of these 2 issues, plus my affair, our sexual life was suffering. But I hoped that once I will fix the 2 issues, things will get back to normal.
I should mention here that before my affair, my husband had some flings (or at least that's all he told me he had).
In March this year I found out that my husband has been texting for 3 months with another woman. He told me (with some pride) that she is 19 (18 when they first met, he is 39). He didn't tell her that he was married. He didn't confess much more but I started to suspect that they had a physical and emotional affair. He wouldn't tell me her name in order to protect her. But I found it out based on her phone number. I lost my balance and I called her and texted her -- I was mean and I probably made a mistake. I called her parents too and they were very upset, took her out of college for 2 weeks. At this point my husband was furious and devastated, he was afraid he lost his lover. But they reconnected via emails, chats, fake phone accounts. They started chatting for hours every day. He was doing that in the house in front of me, shamelessly. They were sexting with me in the other room. Then they started talking for hours on the phone, skype. That's all he did all day long. I foun d their emails, they called each other their halves, they said they completed each other. He said he wants her to be his wife, have kids with her, etc... I found out that they met on Fetlife, a website for people interested in having BDSM sex. They had sex multiple times in hotel rooms, with handcuffs, spanking, etc (that's how he spend whatever money he made while I was struggling to pay rent). They had dates to movies and restaurants, he would pay all the time. This continued after I found out. 5-6 times he left me home and he went to the hotel with her and spent the nights there while I was trying to somehow stay alive while this happened.
Yet he didn't want to move out and kept saying that he loved me and doesn't want to divorce me. I guess because he doesn't have a full time job yet. He said his affair will pass, i should have patience. I filed for divorce in April but I didn't serve him the papers. I left them on the table, when he wants to divorce he can sign them. Over the summer break she went home to her parents and he rented a room close to her and moved there for a month. They see each other behind her parents back, she lies to them about it. And he lies to her that we are in the process of divorcing, that I moved out of the apartment, etc. He comes back home during weekends but just because the room is not available. At this point I think it is laughable, I am laughable....
More recently he said that if he doesn't get over her by September he will agree with the divorce. Today he said that maybe we should take a 6 months break, during which time he will move out. He says that he knows it is a mistake but he cannot stop it. He didn't say anything to his family, while my family knows and suffer for me (they knew about my affair too btw). I feel guilty for all this, I keep thinking that if I didn't have the affair maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was wondering -- should I help him make a decision? Should I talk to the girl, to her parents, to his parents? I guess he will hate me if I do that (he already threatened me that he will never talk to me again if I do that). I also would like some revenge although I know it is not good (he had some revenge after my affair, emailed the guy some ugly emails, etc).
What are your advices? Anything is welcome ...
Marta
I have such a long and sad story to write here... but I will try to make it short and to the point. I would greatly appreciate your insights.
I will start with what happened in 2011 -- I had an emotional and sexual affair with a guy that lasted 6 months. After my husband found out he was devastated and wanted to divorce but I didn't want that. I was sorry, I stopped the affair (which was on it's way out) and I wanted to recover my marriage. I thought that we managed that -- in time we started to forget and move on. But there were two main issues: 1) I was stressed out with my career, and this was amplified by the fact that I had been the main provider in the household since we married (in 2004). 2) I had a major health problem that required treatment for 2 years.
Because of these 2 issues, plus my affair, our sexual life was suffering. But I hoped that once I will fix the 2 issues, things will get back to normal.
I should mention here that before my affair, my husband had some flings (or at least that's all he told me he had).
In March this year I found out that my husband has been texting for 3 months with another woman. He told me (with some pride) that she is 19 (18 when they first met, he is 39). He didn't tell her that he was married. He didn't confess much more but I started to suspect that they had a physical and emotional affair. He wouldn't tell me her name in order to protect her. But I found it out based on her phone number. I lost my balance and I called her and texted her -- I was mean and I probably made a mistake. I called her parents too and they were very upset, took her out of college for 2 weeks. At this point my husband was furious and devastated, he was afraid he lost his lover. But they reconnected via emails, chats, fake phone accounts. They started chatting for hours every day. He was doing that in the house in front of me, shamelessly. They were sexting with me in the other room. Then they started talking for hours on the phone, skype. That's all he did all day long. I foun d their emails, they called each other their halves, they said they completed each other. He said he wants her to be his wife, have kids with her, etc... I found out that they met on Fetlife, a website for people interested in having BDSM sex. They had sex multiple times in hotel rooms, with handcuffs, spanking, etc (that's how he spend whatever money he made while I was struggling to pay rent). They had dates to movies and restaurants, he would pay all the time. This continued after I found out. 5-6 times he left me home and he went to the hotel with her and spent the nights there while I was trying to somehow stay alive while this happened.
Yet he didn't want to move out and kept saying that he loved me and doesn't want to divorce me. I guess because he doesn't have a full time job yet. He said his affair will pass, i should have patience. I filed for divorce in April but I didn't serve him the papers. I left them on the table, when he wants to divorce he can sign them. Over the summer break she went home to her parents and he rented a room close to her and moved there for a month. They see each other behind her parents back, she lies to them about it. And he lies to her that we are in the process of divorcing, that I moved out of the apartment, etc. He comes back home during weekends but just because the room is not available. At this point I think it is laughable, I am laughable....
More recently he said that if he doesn't get over her by September he will agree with the divorce. Today he said that maybe we should take a 6 months break, during which time he will move out. He says that he knows it is a mistake but he cannot stop it. He didn't say anything to his family, while my family knows and suffer for me (they knew about my affair too btw). I feel guilty for all this, I keep thinking that if I didn't have the affair maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was wondering -- should I help him make a decision? Should I talk to the girl, to her parents, to his parents? I guess he will hate me if I do that (he already threatened me that he will never talk to me again if I do that). I also would like some revenge although I know it is not good (he had some revenge after my affair, emailed the guy some ugly emails, etc).
What are your advices? Anything is welcome ...
Marta
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