I wanted to offer a bit of feedback and advice to guys out there who are trying to change their Mr. Nice Guy ways.
I think many Nice Guys ignore problems because they make them too uncomfortable. Basically, it's a fight or flight response, and Nice Guys opt for flight.
My H read the book late last year and has been working on himself with a therapist to change patterns of behavior.
Unfortunately for us, H moved from flight to fight. About the last week or so, he's been bringing up issues as soon as they bother him. That's great, except he starts with anger. From the very outset of discussion, he is frustrated and angry and absolute. He has said things to me like, "Get over it!" and "Get used to it" and "I'm not backing down on this one!"
While he may feel more powerful than when he was before, his approach is undermining the work he is doing.
Since he's working on himself, I did try to reach out to him this past weekend, too. I approached him very calmly and kindly and in a matter of fact way. Again I got the fight response.
So I guess my advice to Nice Guys is to keep the goal in mind. Don't let your emotions run the conversation. Tackle how uncomfortable you feel about communicating rather than just taking the opposite approach.
Good luck!
I think many Nice Guys ignore problems because they make them too uncomfortable. Basically, it's a fight or flight response, and Nice Guys opt for flight.
My H read the book late last year and has been working on himself with a therapist to change patterns of behavior.
Unfortunately for us, H moved from flight to fight. About the last week or so, he's been bringing up issues as soon as they bother him. That's great, except he starts with anger. From the very outset of discussion, he is frustrated and angry and absolute. He has said things to me like, "Get over it!" and "Get used to it" and "I'm not backing down on this one!"
While he may feel more powerful than when he was before, his approach is undermining the work he is doing.
Since he's working on himself, I did try to reach out to him this past weekend, too. I approached him very calmly and kindly and in a matter of fact way. Again I got the fight response.
So I guess my advice to Nice Guys is to keep the goal in mind. Don't let your emotions run the conversation. Tackle how uncomfortable you feel about communicating rather than just taking the opposite approach.
Good luck!
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