I posted this elsewhere, but also wanted to throw it out to the TAM crew. I've been reading for years and have posted some of this previously. This post is a bit different because it's now been a year since anything has happened. Things are comfortable and I would classify the marriage as semi-happy, but I'm still having trouble dealing with trust issues and need perspective...
Thanks in advance.
Married for 8 years with two children (4-8.) I've always had a small degree of insecurity, but I completely trusted my wife for the first 5+ years of our marriage. For the last two years that complete trust has been replaced with a distant nagging insecurity that I don't know if I can deal with any longer. Hoping to get perspective by sharing.
My own insecurity comes from having absolutely no good relationship role models in my life. My parents divorced before I can remember. My sisters have been in and out of marriages. Recently we find out their husbands did horrible things to them that only came out after the fact. Many of my best friends have done horrible things to their husbands/wives. Especially recently. I'm not blind to how horrible people can be and often are. These things make it hard for me to deal with my own story below. Sorry for how long it became.
One thing to note up front. My wife was married once previously. She let me know early in our relationship that she had cheated on him with a co-worker in the final stage of their marriage before they were divorced. I was happy that she was honest with me before we got married. It never once affected my trust or insecurity in the 1st five years of our marriage.
The Emotional Affair
My wife reconnected with her 1st boyfriend a couple of years ago on Facebook. He lived a couple of states away and was recently married, so I was totally find with them reconnecting on Facebook. I wasn't worried in the least. She chatted with him most evening for a while as I did my thing on the compute next to her. Couple weeks later, this guy gets a divorce from his wife and my wife chats with him a bit more often...
Completely acceptable Facebook friendship turned into an unacceptable daily/nightly chat-fest. I mentioned to my wife that I am no longer OK with her chatting quite so much with this guy, especially since he had just gotten a divorce and was in a vulnerable place. Told her that it was affecting my ability to sleep knowing that she was on the couch chatting with him for hours after bed-time, etc... Wife acknowledged that it was hurting me and said she'd stop. Later found out wife started to hide their conversations and didn't just didn't talk to him on Facebook while I was around. Sleeping on the couch became a lot more normal, etc.
After a while I got suspicious and begrudgingly snooped. Found out the frequency of talking actually increased and moved to the in-game chat of a mobile app. 100's of messages most days. I let her know that I snooped and we talked again about how I wasn't OK with her chatting with this guy so much, especially with their history and his current situation (available and broken.) Told her I couldn't stop thinking about it and interfering with work. Reiterated that I trusted her but didn't trust him at all. Especially knowing guys and that he was in a vulnerable and unstable place.
Few months of this continue. I feel like I need to check-up on their secret chatting every few days. I decide to check one night that she is at work. Read through messages and learn that he is planning to visit family in our state. They talk about meeting and she even mentions that she isn't going to tell me because she knows it bothers me... I'm in disbelief by what I've read. I check again a few hours later and they've been chatting constantly. She mentions to him that I had previously read their messages and she asks him how she can hide their conversations. He gives her his Phone number and a brief tutorial on how to delete messages and turn off notifications, etc.
This is too much for me... Starting to hide things deliberately from me and making plans to increase the secrecy... I confront both of them in the same chat and tell her that she better call me if she has any hopes of our marriage working out. She comes home and after a few days we are able to set some guidelines and reconcile.
Simple guidelines are that we wont have contact like that with exes from our past without letting the other person know. We also agree that she breaks off communication with him and that we have full disclosure for a while. I can snoop if I'm feeling insecure for a while and that we don't have anything to hide from each other. Things are horrible for me for a few months and then I begin to trust more again. It takes a full year for me to stop being paranoid and I make a New Years Resolution that I wont snoop again. The new year seems to be going great!
Disturbing Second Instance
A few months into the year, my spider sense starts to tingle... I feel like a douche and break my new year's resolution and begrudgingly snoop again. I find out that my wife stopped in to see an ex boyfriend at his work-place. She is deleting the messages immediately after they come in or are sent. I'm lucky to have seen what I did. Also, this ex just so happens to be the ex boyfriend that she cheated on her previous husband with. In my opinion, there couldn't be a worse person to find out that she met and was reconnecting with. Our guideline is obviously being ignored. I read a few E-mails and they talked about trying to get together for lunch and my wife mentions that she has Thought about him every day for the last 9 years, etc. My Trust has been rattled again. It's horrible because I had finally almost recovered from the breach of trust from the previous year.
I confront her the next day and I'm on the verge of wanting a divorce. We talk about both incidents and after a few days decide we have too much going for us and decide to work on things. She explained that she had just happened to be at the hospital he works and decided to stop in. Admitted that she had hidden things because she was worried about me finding out, etc.
Why I'm posting over a year after the last event
I love my wife, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust her fully again. Every now and again I get the urge to check up on her. It kills me to feel that way about my wife. I know it's totally wrong on my part to feel the need to do it and it's a breach of her privacy. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to her. However, I haven't been able to fix myself enough to stop. I would classify our marriage as content. We work fairly well together with our children and really do have a lot going for us. House, finances, retirement, etc... On a personal level, I feel that we are in a semi-happy marriage and somewhat going through the motions. Sex life is adequate. We both work. We don't fight really, but we both get butt-hurt on occasion and wont talk for a couple of days before we make-up. Fairly normal stuff. There have been no further incidents that I know of.
My issues. I feel like I would be happier divorced more often than not. I love my kids. I love my wife, but we are not in-love. I feel like I will never fully trust her. I don't think it's fair that I can't fully trust her. I still occasionally check up on her when I'm feeling especially insecure. She works quite a bit and stays late at work often. In the back of my head, I'm always wondering if something else is going on. She consistently got better at hiding things from me over the past couple of years and I'm always wondering if she is finally just good enough to not be caught. I fully realize that I can't control another individual and that she could do whatever she wants without me finding out. I'm more worried about finding out in 10 years that she had an affair. All my insecurities, I know.
You might think that both the previous instances were minor and she ultimately did nothing wrong. Besides the deliberately hiding stuff from me, I actually agree. But in the back of my head I always wonder how far the EA with her 1st boyfriend would have gone. Especially after they met. Would she have cheated on me with the cheater from her previous marriage. Hard to turn those kinds of thoughts off... Yes, I admit at this point I'm insecure to a degree that id hard to deal with. How does one turn those thoughts off. Just accept things as they are and open yourself up to being hurt. Lack of trust is a killer.
I don't think it's fair to her that I don't trust her. Especially if/when I feel the urge to snoop. I have suggested counseling twice before. Both time around one of the trust-breaking incidents. She was never really willing. At this point, I don't think it's something I would really be interested in doing either.
The question
Without enough trust, is a marriage worth having. Sure, there are a lot of things going for us. I can't help but think we would both be happier separate. She could re-connect with whomever she wished and wouldn't have an insecure husband looking over her shoulder. We could both move on with our lives before we're too old to do so. I could live alone and not bother another with my insecurities. Divorce would suck, but I think we'd get through it easier than many couples. I can't imagine it would be a cut-throat battle that would ruin both of us and the kids. The kids would obviously be better off with both of us in their lives each and every day, but I think we'd co-parent decently afterwards and try to minimize the impact on them... In many ways, I feel like that's what I want. However, if I could only fully trust my wife again, like I did for the first 5 years of our marriage... I just don't think that's ever going to be possible at this point.
Again, I'm just hoping someone out there will have some advice or perspective on the situation. Should I stay. Should I go. Stick it out for the kids. Spare my wife from dealing with an insecure husband. Spare myself from being insecure all the time. Let her free to reconnect with anyone.
tl;dr I no longer fully trust my wife due to past Emotional Affair, and other incidents etc... I see people getting hurt or doing horrible things to people they love all around me. I have become insecure in relationships. Especially my own marriage. Things are comfortable now, but I feel like I can no longer cope with my own lack of trust and the need to snoop on my wife on occasion. Wondering if divorce is the answer to free her from me and free myself from myself! Looking for perspective.
Thanks in advance.
Married for 8 years with two children (4-8.) I've always had a small degree of insecurity, but I completely trusted my wife for the first 5+ years of our marriage. For the last two years that complete trust has been replaced with a distant nagging insecurity that I don't know if I can deal with any longer. Hoping to get perspective by sharing.
My own insecurity comes from having absolutely no good relationship role models in my life. My parents divorced before I can remember. My sisters have been in and out of marriages. Recently we find out their husbands did horrible things to them that only came out after the fact. Many of my best friends have done horrible things to their husbands/wives. Especially recently. I'm not blind to how horrible people can be and often are. These things make it hard for me to deal with my own story below. Sorry for how long it became.
One thing to note up front. My wife was married once previously. She let me know early in our relationship that she had cheated on him with a co-worker in the final stage of their marriage before they were divorced. I was happy that she was honest with me before we got married. It never once affected my trust or insecurity in the 1st five years of our marriage.
The Emotional Affair
My wife reconnected with her 1st boyfriend a couple of years ago on Facebook. He lived a couple of states away and was recently married, so I was totally find with them reconnecting on Facebook. I wasn't worried in the least. She chatted with him most evening for a while as I did my thing on the compute next to her. Couple weeks later, this guy gets a divorce from his wife and my wife chats with him a bit more often...
Completely acceptable Facebook friendship turned into an unacceptable daily/nightly chat-fest. I mentioned to my wife that I am no longer OK with her chatting quite so much with this guy, especially since he had just gotten a divorce and was in a vulnerable place. Told her that it was affecting my ability to sleep knowing that she was on the couch chatting with him for hours after bed-time, etc... Wife acknowledged that it was hurting me and said she'd stop. Later found out wife started to hide their conversations and didn't just didn't talk to him on Facebook while I was around. Sleeping on the couch became a lot more normal, etc.
After a while I got suspicious and begrudgingly snooped. Found out the frequency of talking actually increased and moved to the in-game chat of a mobile app. 100's of messages most days. I let her know that I snooped and we talked again about how I wasn't OK with her chatting with this guy so much, especially with their history and his current situation (available and broken.) Told her I couldn't stop thinking about it and interfering with work. Reiterated that I trusted her but didn't trust him at all. Especially knowing guys and that he was in a vulnerable and unstable place.
Few months of this continue. I feel like I need to check-up on their secret chatting every few days. I decide to check one night that she is at work. Read through messages and learn that he is planning to visit family in our state. They talk about meeting and she even mentions that she isn't going to tell me because she knows it bothers me... I'm in disbelief by what I've read. I check again a few hours later and they've been chatting constantly. She mentions to him that I had previously read their messages and she asks him how she can hide their conversations. He gives her his Phone number and a brief tutorial on how to delete messages and turn off notifications, etc.
This is too much for me... Starting to hide things deliberately from me and making plans to increase the secrecy... I confront both of them in the same chat and tell her that she better call me if she has any hopes of our marriage working out. She comes home and after a few days we are able to set some guidelines and reconcile.
Simple guidelines are that we wont have contact like that with exes from our past without letting the other person know. We also agree that she breaks off communication with him and that we have full disclosure for a while. I can snoop if I'm feeling insecure for a while and that we don't have anything to hide from each other. Things are horrible for me for a few months and then I begin to trust more again. It takes a full year for me to stop being paranoid and I make a New Years Resolution that I wont snoop again. The new year seems to be going great!
Disturbing Second Instance
A few months into the year, my spider sense starts to tingle... I feel like a douche and break my new year's resolution and begrudgingly snoop again. I find out that my wife stopped in to see an ex boyfriend at his work-place. She is deleting the messages immediately after they come in or are sent. I'm lucky to have seen what I did. Also, this ex just so happens to be the ex boyfriend that she cheated on her previous husband with. In my opinion, there couldn't be a worse person to find out that she met and was reconnecting with. Our guideline is obviously being ignored. I read a few E-mails and they talked about trying to get together for lunch and my wife mentions that she has Thought about him every day for the last 9 years, etc. My Trust has been rattled again. It's horrible because I had finally almost recovered from the breach of trust from the previous year.
I confront her the next day and I'm on the verge of wanting a divorce. We talk about both incidents and after a few days decide we have too much going for us and decide to work on things. She explained that she had just happened to be at the hospital he works and decided to stop in. Admitted that she had hidden things because she was worried about me finding out, etc.
Why I'm posting over a year after the last event
I love my wife, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust her fully again. Every now and again I get the urge to check up on her. It kills me to feel that way about my wife. I know it's totally wrong on my part to feel the need to do it and it's a breach of her privacy. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to her. However, I haven't been able to fix myself enough to stop. I would classify our marriage as content. We work fairly well together with our children and really do have a lot going for us. House, finances, retirement, etc... On a personal level, I feel that we are in a semi-happy marriage and somewhat going through the motions. Sex life is adequate. We both work. We don't fight really, but we both get butt-hurt on occasion and wont talk for a couple of days before we make-up. Fairly normal stuff. There have been no further incidents that I know of.
My issues. I feel like I would be happier divorced more often than not. I love my kids. I love my wife, but we are not in-love. I feel like I will never fully trust her. I don't think it's fair that I can't fully trust her. I still occasionally check up on her when I'm feeling especially insecure. She works quite a bit and stays late at work often. In the back of my head, I'm always wondering if something else is going on. She consistently got better at hiding things from me over the past couple of years and I'm always wondering if she is finally just good enough to not be caught. I fully realize that I can't control another individual and that she could do whatever she wants without me finding out. I'm more worried about finding out in 10 years that she had an affair. All my insecurities, I know.
You might think that both the previous instances were minor and she ultimately did nothing wrong. Besides the deliberately hiding stuff from me, I actually agree. But in the back of my head I always wonder how far the EA with her 1st boyfriend would have gone. Especially after they met. Would she have cheated on me with the cheater from her previous marriage. Hard to turn those kinds of thoughts off... Yes, I admit at this point I'm insecure to a degree that id hard to deal with. How does one turn those thoughts off. Just accept things as they are and open yourself up to being hurt. Lack of trust is a killer.
I don't think it's fair to her that I don't trust her. Especially if/when I feel the urge to snoop. I have suggested counseling twice before. Both time around one of the trust-breaking incidents. She was never really willing. At this point, I don't think it's something I would really be interested in doing either.
The question
Without enough trust, is a marriage worth having. Sure, there are a lot of things going for us. I can't help but think we would both be happier separate. She could re-connect with whomever she wished and wouldn't have an insecure husband looking over her shoulder. We could both move on with our lives before we're too old to do so. I could live alone and not bother another with my insecurities. Divorce would suck, but I think we'd get through it easier than many couples. I can't imagine it would be a cut-throat battle that would ruin both of us and the kids. The kids would obviously be better off with both of us in their lives each and every day, but I think we'd co-parent decently afterwards and try to minimize the impact on them... In many ways, I feel like that's what I want. However, if I could only fully trust my wife again, like I did for the first 5 years of our marriage... I just don't think that's ever going to be possible at this point.
Again, I'm just hoping someone out there will have some advice or perspective on the situation. Should I stay. Should I go. Stick it out for the kids. Spare my wife from dealing with an insecure husband. Spare myself from being insecure all the time. Let her free to reconnect with anyone.
tl;dr I no longer fully trust my wife due to past Emotional Affair, and other incidents etc... I see people getting hurt or doing horrible things to people they love all around me. I have become insecure in relationships. Especially my own marriage. Things are comfortable now, but I feel like I can no longer cope with my own lack of trust and the need to snoop on my wife on occasion. Wondering if divorce is the answer to free her from me and free myself from myself! Looking for perspective.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment