I am new here and just found this forum a couple of nights ago, but it seems there are several others in my situation here and the posts do not seem to be as depressing as the deadbedroom section on reddit. I actually see some people overcoming this issue on this forum so I am really hoping for some advice. Warning: This is a long read, I will provide some cliffs at the bottom though. Thanks for reading.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, we have lived together for 4 of them. I am 25 and she is 26. Since we moved in together 4 years ago, our sex has gone from every other day to once a week and now to once a month. At first I did not even notice the decline and was comfortable in the relationship. I began to notice and started to initiate more and my initiations were always turned down. I have considered leaving for a long time because of this but I don't really have any savings so moving out would be very hard financially. However, we have moved 4 times and every time we move, I do have a chance to go my own way, but for some reason I stay thinking it may get better.
When I first noticed the lack of sex, I was shocked as in the beginning, she wanted sex more often than I did, although I never told her this and never turned her down. She initiated going to sex shops and wearing lingerie and getting toys and all that. It all just stopped, I thought for sure it was just temporary and just went with it. I started to count the weeks that we didn't have sex and started to care for her less. It got to the point that she seemed like an annoying roommate. I never initiated any sexual or intimate contact with her, at all. I would do my own thing and barely talk to her. Every time I looked at her, I felt angry towards her. How could this girl claim to love me so much and talk about marriage and spending the rest of her life with me, yet not want to anything intimate with me?? Our sex went like this: One random morning, once a month, she would wake up and want to have sex with me, I went through with it, half-asleep and she would always come. That was the only sex until next month. She always wants to get right to sex, no foreplay at all, I love going down on her, but she just wants straight sex. She hardly ever gives me head anymore, and never to completion. In the last year, she has maybe a combined total of one minute of head. 2 years ago, I bought her lingerie for valentines day, she has never put it on.
Any attempt to talk about this leadsto an excuse, usually a different excuse every couple of months. She has said that she just doesn't enjoy sex and would be ok with never having sex again. She seems to have a split personality, when she is in the mood, she seems to love everything I do, and talks about how she loves it. When she is out of the mood, she hates sex. When I bring up any sexual act that is even slightly dirty that we have done before(and that she seemed to love at the time), she gives this attitude like "she would never do that" and acts like she doesn't remember the doing it.
About 2 months ago, I noticed her texting a male coworker quite a bit, and confronted her about it. She, of course, said he was just a friend but after prying for awhile, she finally admitted she had feelings for him. She says she had never done anything with him, and I am still on the fence about believing it. I told her to cut off contact with him. After this long fight about her possible cheating, she got horny and talked about how sorry she was for not ever wanting to have sex. She said she wanted to have sex more, give me head more, blah blah blah. I of course, believed it and decided to stay with her thinking we had finally come to some understanding that our relationship was about dead and we were going to actually do something about it.
This has led to me being the only one trying to do anything about it. And since the thought of loosing her to another guy, I have become more attracted to her than I have been for a LONG time. It was like a spark for me to try again. This has made it worse than ever. I think about sex all the time now, and she turns me down literally every single time I try. I have tried talking about it repeatedly and she is tired of talking about it as well. When I do talk about it, she looks for any possible way to change the subject. Her new excuse, is that she is not in the mood because she feels pressured, I didn't try to have sex with her for 3 years, and now after 2 months of me trying once every 3 days, she is pressured....
I have realized that the only way possible to get her in the mood is after a fight where I mention leaving her but it cannot have anything to do with sex. During this fights, she will constantly try to touch me. All I have to do is pull away and reject her for 5 minutes and she turns into a freak. She will do anything for sex at that point. Once I noticed this, I intentionally started a fight on 2 different occasions with the sole purpose of having sex. It worked both times, but I plan on limiting the amount of times I use this and save it for my really desperate sad nights.
Lately, I have been a mess, I feel unmotivated to do anything and it is hard to sleep. I have spent a lot of time reading how to be more manly, more dominant, how to be better at sex, how to turn her on, how to be more romantic and nothing has worked at all. Because she doesn't want sex, I assume she is cheating and using me to pay half the bills, that she can't possibly love me if she never wants sex. These past couple of weeks, I have probably come off as needy as one could be, and she seems to have pulled back even further. She never touches me at all anymore, no hugs, kisses, anything. I have realized this and started pulling away again myself. I have not brought up anything sexual at this week and have not tried to touch her whatsoever. This seems all too familiar though, and will lead right back to several more years of the "annoying roommate stage". I am becoming more and more un-trusting of her during this time, and I started checking her internet history. I see that she looks at porn occasionally, and she has admitted that she masturbates sometimes. This blows my mind, and leads me even further to the belief that she does not want to have sex with ME, and me specifically.
I know I should leave her and I know that I will probably have to. But right now, I am not full ready to do that and even if I was, I couldn't afford to do it. I have started putting money aside for when that time comes, but for the time being, I would love to take one last shot at making it work. I really don't care to much about what I have to try at this point because it is not like I can do any worse. As it is, we have not had sex for 1 1/2 months.
One last thing I will mention is our talks. She doesn't seem to understand why sex is important to me. She thinks it is completely about the physical aspect and that I could just do it with anyone, it doesn't matter if its her. I explain to her that I don't feel close to her at all without sex and intimacy. I feel like her friend. She just throws this in my face every time: "what If I had a disability where I couldn't have sex with you, you would leave me! Sex is all you care about" This usually just leaves me baffled, and I realize that she uses absolutely no logic at all while she is talking about this subject, I then proceed to just say "forget it" and wait until the next time I can't take it anymore.
Please give me some advice on how to salvage this relationship. I am willing to try anything at this point. For those that read this far, thank you.
Cliffs:
-4.5 year relationship
-living together for 3 years
-sex dwindled to once a month
-treat each other like roomates
-I was about to leave her
-close call with her possibly cheating
-I am suddenly crazy about her
-sex life worse than ever
-she makes no effort to fix it
-can't afford to move out yet and would like to salvage if possible
My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, we have lived together for 4 of them. I am 25 and she is 26. Since we moved in together 4 years ago, our sex has gone from every other day to once a week and now to once a month. At first I did not even notice the decline and was comfortable in the relationship. I began to notice and started to initiate more and my initiations were always turned down. I have considered leaving for a long time because of this but I don't really have any savings so moving out would be very hard financially. However, we have moved 4 times and every time we move, I do have a chance to go my own way, but for some reason I stay thinking it may get better.
When I first noticed the lack of sex, I was shocked as in the beginning, she wanted sex more often than I did, although I never told her this and never turned her down. She initiated going to sex shops and wearing lingerie and getting toys and all that. It all just stopped, I thought for sure it was just temporary and just went with it. I started to count the weeks that we didn't have sex and started to care for her less. It got to the point that she seemed like an annoying roommate. I never initiated any sexual or intimate contact with her, at all. I would do my own thing and barely talk to her. Every time I looked at her, I felt angry towards her. How could this girl claim to love me so much and talk about marriage and spending the rest of her life with me, yet not want to anything intimate with me?? Our sex went like this: One random morning, once a month, she would wake up and want to have sex with me, I went through with it, half-asleep and she would always come. That was the only sex until next month. She always wants to get right to sex, no foreplay at all, I love going down on her, but she just wants straight sex. She hardly ever gives me head anymore, and never to completion. In the last year, she has maybe a combined total of one minute of head. 2 years ago, I bought her lingerie for valentines day, she has never put it on.
Any attempt to talk about this leadsto an excuse, usually a different excuse every couple of months. She has said that she just doesn't enjoy sex and would be ok with never having sex again. She seems to have a split personality, when she is in the mood, she seems to love everything I do, and talks about how she loves it. When she is out of the mood, she hates sex. When I bring up any sexual act that is even slightly dirty that we have done before(and that she seemed to love at the time), she gives this attitude like "she would never do that" and acts like she doesn't remember the doing it.
About 2 months ago, I noticed her texting a male coworker quite a bit, and confronted her about it. She, of course, said he was just a friend but after prying for awhile, she finally admitted she had feelings for him. She says she had never done anything with him, and I am still on the fence about believing it. I told her to cut off contact with him. After this long fight about her possible cheating, she got horny and talked about how sorry she was for not ever wanting to have sex. She said she wanted to have sex more, give me head more, blah blah blah. I of course, believed it and decided to stay with her thinking we had finally come to some understanding that our relationship was about dead and we were going to actually do something about it.
This has led to me being the only one trying to do anything about it. And since the thought of loosing her to another guy, I have become more attracted to her than I have been for a LONG time. It was like a spark for me to try again. This has made it worse than ever. I think about sex all the time now, and she turns me down literally every single time I try. I have tried talking about it repeatedly and she is tired of talking about it as well. When I do talk about it, she looks for any possible way to change the subject. Her new excuse, is that she is not in the mood because she feels pressured, I didn't try to have sex with her for 3 years, and now after 2 months of me trying once every 3 days, she is pressured....
I have realized that the only way possible to get her in the mood is after a fight where I mention leaving her but it cannot have anything to do with sex. During this fights, she will constantly try to touch me. All I have to do is pull away and reject her for 5 minutes and she turns into a freak. She will do anything for sex at that point. Once I noticed this, I intentionally started a fight on 2 different occasions with the sole purpose of having sex. It worked both times, but I plan on limiting the amount of times I use this and save it for my really desperate sad nights.
Lately, I have been a mess, I feel unmotivated to do anything and it is hard to sleep. I have spent a lot of time reading how to be more manly, more dominant, how to be better at sex, how to turn her on, how to be more romantic and nothing has worked at all. Because she doesn't want sex, I assume she is cheating and using me to pay half the bills, that she can't possibly love me if she never wants sex. These past couple of weeks, I have probably come off as needy as one could be, and she seems to have pulled back even further. She never touches me at all anymore, no hugs, kisses, anything. I have realized this and started pulling away again myself. I have not brought up anything sexual at this week and have not tried to touch her whatsoever. This seems all too familiar though, and will lead right back to several more years of the "annoying roommate stage". I am becoming more and more un-trusting of her during this time, and I started checking her internet history. I see that she looks at porn occasionally, and she has admitted that she masturbates sometimes. This blows my mind, and leads me even further to the belief that she does not want to have sex with ME, and me specifically.
I know I should leave her and I know that I will probably have to. But right now, I am not full ready to do that and even if I was, I couldn't afford to do it. I have started putting money aside for when that time comes, but for the time being, I would love to take one last shot at making it work. I really don't care to much about what I have to try at this point because it is not like I can do any worse. As it is, we have not had sex for 1 1/2 months.
One last thing I will mention is our talks. She doesn't seem to understand why sex is important to me. She thinks it is completely about the physical aspect and that I could just do it with anyone, it doesn't matter if its her. I explain to her that I don't feel close to her at all without sex and intimacy. I feel like her friend. She just throws this in my face every time: "what If I had a disability where I couldn't have sex with you, you would leave me! Sex is all you care about" This usually just leaves me baffled, and I realize that she uses absolutely no logic at all while she is talking about this subject, I then proceed to just say "forget it" and wait until the next time I can't take it anymore.
Please give me some advice on how to salvage this relationship. I am willing to try anything at this point. For those that read this far, thank you.
Cliffs:
-4.5 year relationship
-living together for 3 years
-sex dwindled to once a month
-treat each other like roomates
-I was about to leave her
-close call with her possibly cheating
-I am suddenly crazy about her
-sex life worse than ever
-she makes no effort to fix it
-can't afford to move out yet and would like to salvage if possible
Put the internet to work for you.
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