I have been lurking her for about 6 months and have finally gotten up the nerve to post my story. You guys all give great advice and I'd like to see if anyone has any for me. I wish I had found this site about a year ago, before my Dday. I confronted way too early and I think I am paying the price now. How I wish I was smarter back then.
I have been married 18 years and have 2 children. My H has been taking care of our finances for about the last 8 years. Up until that point, I had always taken care of them, but I got a new job that was requiring tons of hours and gave it up to him. In early January of 2012 I started to see relief at work and started to have more time for things like our budget. I began to question account balances, asked for passwords, etc and was not given the passwords or straight answers. I started to do some digging on our computer and that's when my world started to change.
Let me start by saying that from reading here I know that many of you are OK with porn. I am not. As I started to try and find info on our finances, I found two pornographic pictures saved on our computer. I came to find out later that they were images from an escort service. I confronted on the spot (I know now that I should have waited). He actually pushed me out of the way to get to the computer and deleted them. He yelled at me that sometimes he looked at porn and it's not a big deal. I was completely shocked.
Things were awkward for the next couple of days and we didn't speak much. I checked his briefcase and found an RX for an anti-depressant. I confronted again on the spot. He told me that he was given the RX for anxiety. Again, I was shocked. He said the anxiety came from him being nervous about coming home and not knowing what he was going to get into. Huh? This was news to me. I went back and checked our medical insurance and found that he had made this appointment secretly and scheduled it for a day that he knew I would be busy at our son's school band concert and wouldn't be trying to contact him at work.
He basically blamed the need for the medicine on me and the kids. I didn't understand but I went into overdrive trying to fix things. I made sure I went out my way to make sure he didn't have any stress, the kids behaved, he had plenty of sex, etc. This went on until the beginning of April.
We were discussing getting a cellphone for my son and I asked if you could see what text message are sent on the cell phone bill. (Yes, I was clueless about what actually shows up on the bill). The bills were always sent via email. He looked like he was going to be ill when I asked for the login info. I logged on and couldn't believe my eyes. His part of the phone bill took up at least 15 pages per bill for the 18 months that I could see. It took me about a month to get my head around what I was looking at. I confronted every time I found a pattern to the phone numbers. I found that he made at least 5 phone calls per day to "hook up with hot singles" phone numbers during his lunch hour. I found that he was on sec chat lines most nights of the week after I went to bed. He would stay up until 1am on these calls. I always wondered why he was so tired all the time. The night that he wasn't on the phone, he was on the computer in the basement having online sex chats.
He has TT the whole time. He has never admitted anything that I haven't asked questions about. He has admitted to having online sexual chats with one person for 6 months. He has admitted to contacting former co-workers via text and texting them after I am asleep or when he was at work. They were all women of course and he is adamant to this day that the conversations were innocent. I don't believe it. He has also admitted to calling and making appointments for "sensual massages" and then calling back and cancelling. He has also contacted escorts and inquired about pricing. All of these admissions were from me asking direct questions about numbers on our cell phone bills.
He says that all of this went on for about 18 months. He says he didn't think it was wrong. I told him I think he thought he wouldn't get caught. He says that he never had contact in person with anyone. He was always home, literally, every night, so I lean towards believing him.
He has been very remorseful but sometimes gets frustrated with me that I am not "over it" yet. He tries to rug sweep but I wont let him. I have his passwords, his phone is not locked. He changed cell phones and cell phone numbers in May. He does not go on the computer at night any more. There is nothing on the phone records. He only took the meds for one month. I think his anxiety was coming from trying to had all the phone calls, texts and online chats.
I still feel like there is still something I don't know. Like something that would be a deal breaker. He swears I know everything, but I find it too convenient that he says it started 18 months earlier and that it exactly the time period I could see on the phone records. Its like he didn't admit to anything I didn't find out on my own. Am I just crazy?
He says he "thinks" the behavior was a mid-life crisis and that he was bored and curious. Those sound like excuses to me. I have not seen any questionable behavior in the last few months.
I guess I am looking for opinions on how to find out if there is anything else to find. I am triggering hard now as we are at the 1year anniversary of DDay. I am sad. I don't understand why he would spend 18 months (probably more) spending half of his time one line or on the phone. I don't know how to believe it won't happen again. I don't have anyone to discuss this with so I thought I would post here. Thanks for listening.
I have been married 18 years and have 2 children. My H has been taking care of our finances for about the last 8 years. Up until that point, I had always taken care of them, but I got a new job that was requiring tons of hours and gave it up to him. In early January of 2012 I started to see relief at work and started to have more time for things like our budget. I began to question account balances, asked for passwords, etc and was not given the passwords or straight answers. I started to do some digging on our computer and that's when my world started to change.
Let me start by saying that from reading here I know that many of you are OK with porn. I am not. As I started to try and find info on our finances, I found two pornographic pictures saved on our computer. I came to find out later that they were images from an escort service. I confronted on the spot (I know now that I should have waited). He actually pushed me out of the way to get to the computer and deleted them. He yelled at me that sometimes he looked at porn and it's not a big deal. I was completely shocked.
Things were awkward for the next couple of days and we didn't speak much. I checked his briefcase and found an RX for an anti-depressant. I confronted again on the spot. He told me that he was given the RX for anxiety. Again, I was shocked. He said the anxiety came from him being nervous about coming home and not knowing what he was going to get into. Huh? This was news to me. I went back and checked our medical insurance and found that he had made this appointment secretly and scheduled it for a day that he knew I would be busy at our son's school band concert and wouldn't be trying to contact him at work.
He basically blamed the need for the medicine on me and the kids. I didn't understand but I went into overdrive trying to fix things. I made sure I went out my way to make sure he didn't have any stress, the kids behaved, he had plenty of sex, etc. This went on until the beginning of April.
We were discussing getting a cellphone for my son and I asked if you could see what text message are sent on the cell phone bill. (Yes, I was clueless about what actually shows up on the bill). The bills were always sent via email. He looked like he was going to be ill when I asked for the login info. I logged on and couldn't believe my eyes. His part of the phone bill took up at least 15 pages per bill for the 18 months that I could see. It took me about a month to get my head around what I was looking at. I confronted every time I found a pattern to the phone numbers. I found that he made at least 5 phone calls per day to "hook up with hot singles" phone numbers during his lunch hour. I found that he was on sec chat lines most nights of the week after I went to bed. He would stay up until 1am on these calls. I always wondered why he was so tired all the time. The night that he wasn't on the phone, he was on the computer in the basement having online sex chats.
He has TT the whole time. He has never admitted anything that I haven't asked questions about. He has admitted to having online sexual chats with one person for 6 months. He has admitted to contacting former co-workers via text and texting them after I am asleep or when he was at work. They were all women of course and he is adamant to this day that the conversations were innocent. I don't believe it. He has also admitted to calling and making appointments for "sensual massages" and then calling back and cancelling. He has also contacted escorts and inquired about pricing. All of these admissions were from me asking direct questions about numbers on our cell phone bills.
He says that all of this went on for about 18 months. He says he didn't think it was wrong. I told him I think he thought he wouldn't get caught. He says that he never had contact in person with anyone. He was always home, literally, every night, so I lean towards believing him.
He has been very remorseful but sometimes gets frustrated with me that I am not "over it" yet. He tries to rug sweep but I wont let him. I have his passwords, his phone is not locked. He changed cell phones and cell phone numbers in May. He does not go on the computer at night any more. There is nothing on the phone records. He only took the meds for one month. I think his anxiety was coming from trying to had all the phone calls, texts and online chats.
I still feel like there is still something I don't know. Like something that would be a deal breaker. He swears I know everything, but I find it too convenient that he says it started 18 months earlier and that it exactly the time period I could see on the phone records. Its like he didn't admit to anything I didn't find out on my own. Am I just crazy?
He says he "thinks" the behavior was a mid-life crisis and that he was bored and curious. Those sound like excuses to me. I have not seen any questionable behavior in the last few months.
I guess I am looking for opinions on how to find out if there is anything else to find. I am triggering hard now as we are at the 1year anniversary of DDay. I am sad. I don't understand why he would spend 18 months (probably more) spending half of his time one line or on the phone. I don't know how to believe it won't happen again. I don't have anyone to discuss this with so I thought I would post here. Thanks for listening.
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