Well, I have lurked in forums and sites such as this for quite some time now. Mostly in the hopes to find someone with an exact situation as mine, but of course everyone's situations are different. So here's mine:
I have been married to my husband for 14 years. We married young, at 21, and waited 7 years to have children. We now have two amazing boys together, ages 7 and 5. Two and a half years ago I had an affair. It lasted for two months before he found out. We discussed things, we read a book together, we did all the things you're "supposed" to do to bring healing. My husband tried attributing it to boredom on my part, which in turn eventually made me resentful. And I believe, after much reflection, it all boils down to the fact that we got married too young and I had no idea what I wanted and didn't even realize what it meant to be loved. Unfortunately it took another man to understand what it means to be cherished. My husband has alllowed me and the OM to remain friends. But let's face it, "friends" is a hard title to maintain when you're in love. The OM and I haven't acted on anything, but we are emotionally involved still. I know that to work on my marriage I need to cut contact cold turkey, but every time I have tried it brings me to the point of not being able to eat, let alone think or be coherent to anything going on around me.
I feel extreme guilt. I know I brought this all on myself so please don't tell me I don't care or I am only thinking of myself. Even though my husband has not had an all out affair, he has pushed me away through the years. But I think it's because he's wired different. I am an emotional person married to a man with no empathy and little emotion for anything in life. Everything to him is black and white and he is so judgmental. We have sex 2 to 3 times a week and he still seeks out satisfaction in porn (though he claims he isn't addicted). And he has looked at it for so long that it is starting to take more disturbing content to get him off. Also, 10 years ago I did an internship for college away from home. It was a 6 week internship and when I returned from it I found out he had fooled around with one of my best friends. So it's not like he is an angel or saint through all this.
He continues to allow me to remain friends with the OM but he monitors everything. He looks at every website I visit on my phone, he is looking into ways to restore old emails that may have been deleted. I feel like I'm living in a world of chaos and confusion and sometimes I just want to end it and run to the OM. But I won't. I won't do it because I read article after article that states how horrible divorce is on children. And we both have parents that are still together. And my faith contradicts it. I want to love my husband, but it will never be the same for me after this affair. Ever. I have never been lifted up so much in my life. I'm in a lukewarm state that I'm afraid to leave, but I'm miserable. I can't say goodbye to the OM and I can't end my marriage.
I have been married to my husband for 14 years. We married young, at 21, and waited 7 years to have children. We now have two amazing boys together, ages 7 and 5. Two and a half years ago I had an affair. It lasted for two months before he found out. We discussed things, we read a book together, we did all the things you're "supposed" to do to bring healing. My husband tried attributing it to boredom on my part, which in turn eventually made me resentful. And I believe, after much reflection, it all boils down to the fact that we got married too young and I had no idea what I wanted and didn't even realize what it meant to be loved. Unfortunately it took another man to understand what it means to be cherished. My husband has alllowed me and the OM to remain friends. But let's face it, "friends" is a hard title to maintain when you're in love. The OM and I haven't acted on anything, but we are emotionally involved still. I know that to work on my marriage I need to cut contact cold turkey, but every time I have tried it brings me to the point of not being able to eat, let alone think or be coherent to anything going on around me.
I feel extreme guilt. I know I brought this all on myself so please don't tell me I don't care or I am only thinking of myself. Even though my husband has not had an all out affair, he has pushed me away through the years. But I think it's because he's wired different. I am an emotional person married to a man with no empathy and little emotion for anything in life. Everything to him is black and white and he is so judgmental. We have sex 2 to 3 times a week and he still seeks out satisfaction in porn (though he claims he isn't addicted). And he has looked at it for so long that it is starting to take more disturbing content to get him off. Also, 10 years ago I did an internship for college away from home. It was a 6 week internship and when I returned from it I found out he had fooled around with one of my best friends. So it's not like he is an angel or saint through all this.
He continues to allow me to remain friends with the OM but he monitors everything. He looks at every website I visit on my phone, he is looking into ways to restore old emails that may have been deleted. I feel like I'm living in a world of chaos and confusion and sometimes I just want to end it and run to the OM. But I won't. I won't do it because I read article after article that states how horrible divorce is on children. And we both have parents that are still together. And my faith contradicts it. I want to love my husband, but it will never be the same for me after this affair. Ever. I have never been lifted up so much in my life. I'm in a lukewarm state that I'm afraid to leave, but I'm miserable. I can't say goodbye to the OM and I can't end my marriage.
Put the internet to work for you.
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