Yeah. Seems like a weird title. But the fact is, that my stbx and I have been separated since June 2007, never having contact during that time.
We had a strained marriage. We had known each other since I was 16 (he was 18). We met in college. We were never romantically linked, although he WAS the kind of person who would try to "get into my pants", LOL.
I remember when I made the decision to move from 'East to West'. He told me that he didn't want me to go, and asked me, "What would you say if I asked you to STAY?"
I said, "No. I can't." He said, "I know. You have to find your own way in life." Then he said, "I always wondered what it would be like to kiss you." I said, "Let's find out!" (We were both single and 'unattached' at the time") So, we kissed...
O.
M.
G....
THAT was kiss that was very 'telling'. I could have SWORN I heard thunder. (possibly...an 'omen'?) While we kissed, I actually envisioned seeing a tornado, with lightening bolts striking the ground...and all the feelings of excitement and terror wrapped into one neat package. From what I knew about him, he was dangerous. And I thanked GOD I was had already bought my plane ticket...
We kept in touch throughout the years. I had 'nursed' him (telephonically) through his divorce. He called me the DAY I had delivered my first girl, without knowing that I was pregnant. We had a certain 'kinship' with each other.
Then one day, after not hearing from him in several years, he called me in tears...and left a 30 minute message, telling me that he and his fiancé had split up. By that time, my exh. had walked out. We got to talking, and eventually got together. At first, it seemed very 'natural'. I mean, we've 'known' each other since we were teenagers...right?
He turned out to be controlling...and insecure...and abusive...and HIGHLY narcissistic. And those aren't *my* words; they are the words of the several therapists we saw. He would accuse me "lying by omission" simply because I failed to tell him that, in addition to going to the grocery store, I ALSO got gas. It took a therapist 6 MONTHS to convince him that I didn't "lie". He confessed to me that actually put his first wife over his knee and SPANKED her for being "disobedient". He eventually admitted that he was selfish and "self-absorbed". But he never saw the connection between being self-absorbed and people not liking him. He would tell me that if I was angry with him, that I should "take off my clothes and hold him", and THAT way, I wouldn't be angry anymore...
His idea of marriage was that it was two people "permanently attached at the hip" (his words). I told him every BEFORE we got married, that I was more independent. Two weeks before we got married, he TEARFULLY told me that he HATED my 'independence'. I wish I knew THEN what I know NOW...
We struggled with his pornography...something we actually TALKED about before I married him. He assured me that he only 'dabbled' in it and that he only had a "few magazines around the house". Turned out to be magazines...videos...and cybersex. And not ONLY in the house, but in EVERY SINGLE ROOM of the house...and in his car...and in his drawer at work. He had been having cybersex with strangers and thought of it as a 'game'. I told him that if it was a 'game' to him, that I was taking my 'bat and ball and going home..'. He called me "ridiculous" for doing so. Again, it took a lot of counseling for him to begin to see the damage he was doing to US.
The 'straw that broke the camels' back' was when I asked him if he would give up porn for me. After all, he definitely LIED about it. He said, "no". It took me MONTHS do decide whether or not I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man who put his own happiness ahead of mine, or if I wanted to "fly solo"...
I decided to fly solo. He wasn't happy (duuuuh, LOL). But he accepted my choice. By the time I moved out, we were at least civil to each other. From the point I told him that I wanted a divorce, and was moving out ( in several months), there was no more anger between us. It was like a quiet realization that we both lived in different worlds. Since we both worked two jobs, we would often agree to meet for breakfast. Oddly, had we still been in the "marriage mindset", he would have been highly upset if I was 10 minutes late for breakfast. But once we agreed that we would no longer be married, he had NO PROBLEM with me being 10 minutes late for our breakfast together. I once asked him about this. He said that he had "no idea" WHY he felt that way...
The day I moved out, he actually gave me a 'going away present' of a microwave. He loaded everything into the van. We didn't part as ENEMIES; we parted as two people who obviously had different ideas of life...marriage...relationships...mens' roles...womens' roles etc. He Knew he had 'issues' that weren't helpful to marriage. He KNEW he had issues that dated back to his own upbringing. He WISHED I would see 'beyond' his issues, but there were SOME issues that I just couldn't get past (cybersex...dealing with strippers...prostitutes, etc)
His ego was in charge of HIM. He didn't try to control it. He seemed to believe that whatever thought popped into his head was 'natural'. So, if he was pissed of at a driver who ran a stop sign, my stbx's impression of his own feelings, was that it was 'natural' for him to want to use a shotgun to blow the 'offender's' head off...and that it wasn't "natural" to prevent him from doing so...
...Yes...he passed away. Apparently he was supposed to go out to lunch with his mother and never showed up....
She was the one to find him...
I can't imagine being 80+ years old, and finding your ONLY CHILD deceased in the living room...
When my daughter told me the news, my first reaction was...my God...I'm CHOKING. I couldn't catch my breath. I knew that we had not been together in over 6 years, but I felt like the wind was kicked out of me. I felt confusion...I felt like crying....yet didn't REALLY 'SOB'...I shed tears, yet felt 'relief'....I feel SOMETHING, yet I can' describe it. It's almost like the world was a little 'lighter' now that he was no longer with us.
I'm reliving everything he did...everything he said. NOW I'm crying...and NOW I'm thinking, "IF ONLY..."
If I told all of you even HALF of what he did...what he SAID...I KNOW that you guys would be astonished, based on your reactions to other people, who have gone through--and posted about---the same stuff--that I stayed with him as long as I stayed.
Right now, I'm at a loss. I have no DIFINITIVE feelings. In other words, I can't identify how I feel. I'm not angry...I don't feel 'relief'...When my daughter told me, I started crying, yet stopped. I didn't stop myself...I just........stopped.
I've already prayed for him. I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" to do at this point. I'm "the wife" yet NOT "the wife". I didn't part on bad terms with his mom...
Should I call her?
Vega
We had a strained marriage. We had known each other since I was 16 (he was 18). We met in college. We were never romantically linked, although he WAS the kind of person who would try to "get into my pants", LOL.
I remember when I made the decision to move from 'East to West'. He told me that he didn't want me to go, and asked me, "What would you say if I asked you to STAY?"
I said, "No. I can't." He said, "I know. You have to find your own way in life." Then he said, "I always wondered what it would be like to kiss you." I said, "Let's find out!" (We were both single and 'unattached' at the time") So, we kissed...
O.
M.
G....
THAT was kiss that was very 'telling'. I could have SWORN I heard thunder. (possibly...an 'omen'?) While we kissed, I actually envisioned seeing a tornado, with lightening bolts striking the ground...and all the feelings of excitement and terror wrapped into one neat package. From what I knew about him, he was dangerous. And I thanked GOD I was had already bought my plane ticket...
We kept in touch throughout the years. I had 'nursed' him (telephonically) through his divorce. He called me the DAY I had delivered my first girl, without knowing that I was pregnant. We had a certain 'kinship' with each other.
Then one day, after not hearing from him in several years, he called me in tears...and left a 30 minute message, telling me that he and his fiancé had split up. By that time, my exh. had walked out. We got to talking, and eventually got together. At first, it seemed very 'natural'. I mean, we've 'known' each other since we were teenagers...right?
He turned out to be controlling...and insecure...and abusive...and HIGHLY narcissistic. And those aren't *my* words; they are the words of the several therapists we saw. He would accuse me "lying by omission" simply because I failed to tell him that, in addition to going to the grocery store, I ALSO got gas. It took a therapist 6 MONTHS to convince him that I didn't "lie". He confessed to me that actually put his first wife over his knee and SPANKED her for being "disobedient". He eventually admitted that he was selfish and "self-absorbed". But he never saw the connection between being self-absorbed and people not liking him. He would tell me that if I was angry with him, that I should "take off my clothes and hold him", and THAT way, I wouldn't be angry anymore...
His idea of marriage was that it was two people "permanently attached at the hip" (his words). I told him every BEFORE we got married, that I was more independent. Two weeks before we got married, he TEARFULLY told me that he HATED my 'independence'. I wish I knew THEN what I know NOW...
We struggled with his pornography...something we actually TALKED about before I married him. He assured me that he only 'dabbled' in it and that he only had a "few magazines around the house". Turned out to be magazines...videos...and cybersex. And not ONLY in the house, but in EVERY SINGLE ROOM of the house...and in his car...and in his drawer at work. He had been having cybersex with strangers and thought of it as a 'game'. I told him that if it was a 'game' to him, that I was taking my 'bat and ball and going home..'. He called me "ridiculous" for doing so. Again, it took a lot of counseling for him to begin to see the damage he was doing to US.
The 'straw that broke the camels' back' was when I asked him if he would give up porn for me. After all, he definitely LIED about it. He said, "no". It took me MONTHS do decide whether or not I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man who put his own happiness ahead of mine, or if I wanted to "fly solo"...
I decided to fly solo. He wasn't happy (duuuuh, LOL). But he accepted my choice. By the time I moved out, we were at least civil to each other. From the point I told him that I wanted a divorce, and was moving out ( in several months), there was no more anger between us. It was like a quiet realization that we both lived in different worlds. Since we both worked two jobs, we would often agree to meet for breakfast. Oddly, had we still been in the "marriage mindset", he would have been highly upset if I was 10 minutes late for breakfast. But once we agreed that we would no longer be married, he had NO PROBLEM with me being 10 minutes late for our breakfast together. I once asked him about this. He said that he had "no idea" WHY he felt that way...
The day I moved out, he actually gave me a 'going away present' of a microwave. He loaded everything into the van. We didn't part as ENEMIES; we parted as two people who obviously had different ideas of life...marriage...relationships...mens' roles...womens' roles etc. He Knew he had 'issues' that weren't helpful to marriage. He KNEW he had issues that dated back to his own upbringing. He WISHED I would see 'beyond' his issues, but there were SOME issues that I just couldn't get past (cybersex...dealing with strippers...prostitutes, etc)
His ego was in charge of HIM. He didn't try to control it. He seemed to believe that whatever thought popped into his head was 'natural'. So, if he was pissed of at a driver who ran a stop sign, my stbx's impression of his own feelings, was that it was 'natural' for him to want to use a shotgun to blow the 'offender's' head off...and that it wasn't "natural" to prevent him from doing so...
...Yes...he passed away. Apparently he was supposed to go out to lunch with his mother and never showed up....
She was the one to find him...
I can't imagine being 80+ years old, and finding your ONLY CHILD deceased in the living room...
When my daughter told me the news, my first reaction was...my God...I'm CHOKING. I couldn't catch my breath. I knew that we had not been together in over 6 years, but I felt like the wind was kicked out of me. I felt confusion...I felt like crying....yet didn't REALLY 'SOB'...I shed tears, yet felt 'relief'....I feel SOMETHING, yet I can' describe it. It's almost like the world was a little 'lighter' now that he was no longer with us.
I'm reliving everything he did...everything he said. NOW I'm crying...and NOW I'm thinking, "IF ONLY..."
If I told all of you even HALF of what he did...what he SAID...I KNOW that you guys would be astonished, based on your reactions to other people, who have gone through--and posted about---the same stuff--that I stayed with him as long as I stayed.
Right now, I'm at a loss. I have no DIFINITIVE feelings. In other words, I can't identify how I feel. I'm not angry...I don't feel 'relief'...When my daughter told me, I started crying, yet stopped. I didn't stop myself...I just........stopped.
I've already prayed for him. I'm not sure what I'm "supposed" to do at this point. I'm "the wife" yet NOT "the wife". I didn't part on bad terms with his mom...
Should I call her?
Vega
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment